When Your Toddler Hits

Amy and Kristina both ask about toddlers who aggress. Kristina wants her 16-month-old to stop biting/kicking/scratching against family members, before he does this to someone else. Amy, whose twins are 17 months, has tried a number of techniques, doesn’t want to resort to spanking, and isn’t sure how to get her tots to stop “lashing out” when frustrated and angry.

(Much of this is taken from a post I wrote last year  on my other blog, It's Not All Mary Poppins. The post can be found here. )

As a parent, accept your response to the aggression. If you're feeling anger because someone has just  hit you, it's more than likely appropriate and justified. The question is not, "How do I not be angry?" but rather, "How do I respond constructively to this situation"? You are, after all, in exactly the situation your child is in. He or she is angry, and so has lashed out. You are angry. You, however, choose not to lash out. It is all right to be angry, but anger does not excuse belittling, intimidating, or frightening your child. You choose to react in a different way, and thus teach your child a different way. 

Don't be afraid to let your child know you are angry! Use it as a teaching moment. You are not trying to frighten or browbeat the child into submission. You are trying to express anger constructively, so your child will know how it's managed!

All right. So you've accepted the fact that being hit makes you angry. (Assuming it does. You may have other responses to it, but anger is the one which seems to cause parents the most guilt.) What do you do now?

1. Stop the physical aggression immediately. If your child has hit you, don't let him/her hit you repeatedly. Grip their wrist firmly, and say with equal firmness, "No hitting. You do not hit me. You can be angry, but you may not hit." (With a verbally capable child, this might be the time to encourage speech. "When we're angry, we don't hit. We talk. Tell me what's wrong." However, if the child merely struggles to be free so that they can wallop you again, save the debrief till the emotions have receded and internal order is restored.)

2. Expect compliance. Do not let go of the wrist until you can feel the tension leave the child. If you misjudge, and they swing at you again when you let go, repeat the step above, and hold longer. Wait for him/her to relax. Repeat your words: "It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit. No hitting." If you haven't done this before, you may have to explain: "I won't let go until you put your hand down." You keep this up for as long as it takes. Be gentle, be firm, but be unyielding.

The message needs to be crystal clear: you will NOT allow yourself to be hit. Period.

3. When they begin to relax, praise/encourage them. "That's better. I knew you could do it!" Put lots of genuine happiness in your voice. Be VERY proud. Release them gently. I have a catch-phrase that I use in these situations, whether the child has aggressed against me or another child: "Remember, hands are not for hitting, hands are for hugging."

4. When the child is no longer coiled to strike, praise them again. Give - and receive - a hug with the child. This is not "letting them away with it".  They need to know it's all right to be angry, that they can be angry, they can express it in other ways, and that they're still love-able, even if they experience anger. (Just as you are still a good parent, even if you experience anger. Experience, as distinct from 'acting out' in anger.)

Repeat the key concept yet again as you cuddle them. "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit."

5. Quickly move on to the next thing. "All right. Let's have a snack now." (Or read a story, or get out the playdough, or whatever.) Caution: the child is probably still a little emotionally wrought up: do not phrase this as a choice. Do not ask them "Would you like to...?" It's highly unlikely that they can deal with the challenge of a decision just yet. Simply make a firmly cheerful suggestion.

The kids in my care soon grow so accustomed to the catch-phrase, that I can use it as a reminder when I see someone building up to deliver a smack. I'll call out in a cautioning tone, "Uh-oh, Felicity. Watch that hand! Remember, hands are for hugging." It usually suffices. Or, I get the children to finish the sentence for me. "Brandon? What are hands for? Hands are for..." and the children generally chime right in "...hugging!"

Remember, mom and dad, that just as your child has the right to expect you to treat them respectfully, you have the right to be treated respectfully by your child. If this is your consistent response, you will greatly reduce or even entirely eliminate hitting in a matter of weeks.

Comments

[Krista]

Thank you for this topic! My son has bitten/hit me for probably close to 6 months now. (He'll be two in a few weeks.) I appreciate some variations of things I've been attempting to try, as well as alternatives to punishing him because he's angry.

[Kim]

Perfect timing, once again. (Do you two have a hidden camera in my house?) Oliver has been hitting me for a few weeks and in general, laughs at my feeble attempts at stern responses. You gave me a recipe I can follow. Thank you!

[hilary]

I like your post. I am in a very similar situation with my 2year old. At first I would react with making him fearful and I knew it wasn't working. Now I take him up for a five minute timeout, very calmly and I explain why we don't hit. When we talk about being gentle and lovey instead of hitting I give him a hip, hip hooray and thank him for a no hitting day. He gets it and I'm proud to say his hitting has stopped for a few days.

[Mark]

Hey All,
First timer here and with Child. My Son is 21 mo. He hits in anger in response to discipline discipline. His non parental relatives and aquaintences don't expect it.

I am here because I get pissed and get in his face. This is not the way. I had held him in the past untill he exausted himself in my arms (cradled) screaming and tensing up( I call it Hulking out). I see this is close to your idea of holding the wrist..do ya think this is OK to do?
Thanks

Mark

[choncie]

Thank you for your post.. I really needed to know it's ok to be angry when my 15 month slapps me! I think I've be responding to her appropriately, however I have actually had to just walk away from her after she slapped hit me out of anger.I had to let her cry for a few minutes until my blood stopped boiling. I hope this stage passes soon, I miss my sweet baby.