Partners in Parenting: Parenting -- Theory

Both Thanksgivings are out of the way, Hallowe'en is a thing of the past - next stop, Christmas.

Even if you don't celebrate the holiday, it's hard to avoid. Even for those of us who do celebrate the holiday, it can feel more like a lot of pressure than a holiday, more a celebration of ridiculous excess than anything to do with peace, love or faith.

How do you manage this month? Do you hunker down, batten down the hatches, try to stay under the radar? Do you throw yourself into the mayhem with relish? Do you savour the pleasures and filter out some of the craziness? Stories, styles, and craziness tips are all welcome.

Here's one of mine, which I only realized this very year is not how everyone does it!!

In our household, Santa only brings ONE present for each person. The other presents are gifts from real people. I thought this was just how it was done, until I suddenly found out (why did it take me so long?) that in many families, Santa brings all BUT one! Or all but a few. Or even ALL of them. Phew.

I now believe this was something my canny and practical mother devised for her own protection. A widow with three young children, she had very little money. If she encouraged us to believe in a magical Santa who could fulfill our every wish, think of the disappointment on Christmas day! Instead, ONE gift from Santa (and not the biggest one); the rest was from mummy, and grandparents.

For us, with Santa as kindly support staff to Christmas, rather than the Whole Deal, the expectations were realistic and the focus was on the generosity of family and the fun of giving. It worked for us!

How about you? Any stories to share? What is your holiday style? How does your family manage this month?

When I go out with the tots, I often push a stroller that seats four. With a child or two walking alongside, that can create quite a stir. People point and smile, people gasp, people laugh out loud. Many come over to talk, and when they do, I think the thing I hear most often is "Look at all those children! You must be so patient!"

Guess what? I'm not. Not particularly. Just like everyone else, I have my strengths and weaknesses, but patience is not a particular area of excellence for me. I can be quite impatient in certain circumstances, but over all, I think I'm patient-neutral. This does not make me a bad caregiver: it just means that I need other strengths to compensate. It means I likely interact with the children differently than a more patient person might; I probably structure my day differently. Differently, not better or worse.

It would be a huge problem, though, if I felt I should be patient, if I berated myself for my impatience, and worse, if I allowed myself into situations that would try my patience beyond bearing - because daycaristas should be patient! "Why is this so hard? I should be able to cope!"

Accepting that in this area I fall short of an ideal means that I do my job better than if I continued to strive to be other than what I am. Please be clear: Accepting what I am does not mean that I allow myself self-indulgent hissy fits at the childrens' expense! It means that I structure my day and align my expectations of the kids to minimize stress on my less-than-saintly patience levels.

What about us as parents? What are our expectations of ourselves? Do we have an idea of what a mom or dad "should" be? Do we try to squeeze ourselves into molds we just don't fit? Do we berate ourselves because we're not this or that enough, or because we have this or that feeling we "shouldn't" have? Some of our "shoulds" are conscious, others are not. These are hardest to deal with.

I suspect that if you're dissatisfied with your parenting, and especially if the dissatisfaction is vague and global, you may be suffering from a sense of inadequacy brought on by failing to be an unconscious "should". Dig it up and take a good look at it. Does that "should" reflect who you really are? Can you compromise with your Inner Perfectionist, and accept that you can be a great parent without meeting all your "should's"?

Life is a process of gradual maturity and improvement. Some of those "shoulds" are attainable, and the striving for them can bring great satisfaction. Others are not, and we need not allow them to detract from the joy we can take in our children, and in our relationship with them.

What are your "shoulds"?