The Mommy Phase

At our house, the kids periodically go through what we call "the mommy phase" (a more politically correct term is "the primary caregiver phase," but in our house, that's me).  When one of the kids is going through this phase, he or she will insist that mama do everything for him or her.  Suddenly, tasks that were easily done on one's own, like eating or putting on clothes, become far too difficult, "requiring" mama's help.  A child who once walked everywhere -- in fact, insisted on walking everywhere -- now needs to be "up" all the time.  This phase is, obviously, rather taxing.  Especially when both children are going through it at the same time and you feel like you're being pulled in opposite directions.   

When I first experienced the mommy phase, I thought it was sort of sweet.  I gave in to my son's every demand.  I picked him up whenever he asked and was quick to provide comfort for every little bump on the knee.  It made me feel special that he wanted me and only me.  But then, after a couple of weeks, his need for mommy all the time didn't let up, and I was starting to feel more like his servant than his mother.  While he was willing to play with Daddy, he wasn't willing to let him change his diaper, put him to bed, or any of the other work a toddler (or in this case, Tod-lar) requires. 

That's when I realized my mama hormones had blinded me to a pattern noted in research (Lieberman, 1993).  After mastering some task, or reaching a developmental milestone, children are likely to be much more demanding of their primary caregiver.  It's their way of ensuring that we're still there for them after they've spent time being absorbed in learning to do something independent, like walk or pee in the potty. 

Now, knowing this tidbit of toddler psychology may seem to reinforce the need to give into the toddler's demands of mama, but I think it does just the opposite.  When my kids learn a new task that gives them some independence, I want them to keep using it.  It's not just that I don't want to do as much work (but, hey, one of the benefits of being a parent is that the kids get older and don't require as much work -- or least require a different kind of work), but the kids need to feel confident in their own abilities.  Yes, they need mama, but they don't need me ALL THE TIME FOR EVERY LITTLE THING. 

So, whenever my kids are going through the mommy phase, Husband and I continue with business as usual.  Husband will take Tod-lar to school despite his protests.  When Tod-lar demands I put his clothes on for him, I tell him he can come do it next to me while I'm doing some other task.  If he still insists I do it, I tell him he can either do it himself or he can go to school in his pajamas.  When Bah-bie is pulling on my pant leg demanding, "UP!" while I'm making dinner, I give her a quick hug and redirect her to the play room.  I let them know I'm still there for them and am happy to provide emotional support, but I'm not their servant.  I'm their mother, and my job is teach them to do these things on their own because someday they're going to be in college, and I am NOT driving to the dorm every morning to put their clothes on for them. 

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Lieberman, A. F. (1993) The Emotional Life of the Toddler. Simon & Schuster, NY.

Comments

[Nina]

I haven't been through this stage yet (hehe, because my son actually still really does need me to do most everything for him), but I'm wondering...the concern isn't that they actually aren't going to retain the progress they made, right? I mean, if they learn how to go potty, but suddenly want to make sure Mommy's there for them and so want Mommy to change their diaper instead, the kid is of course not going to be 18 and still needing to get his diaper changed. I mean, it's a phase so it passes, right?

I do see the importance of making sure that a child knows that their primary caregiver is not the only person in the world that does everything for them, that the father (or whatever) and the child himself can also do these things. But I guess the last point that our job as a mother (primary caregiver) is to teach them to do these things on their own...aren't they going to regardless?

But yeah, like I said, not there yet! so I'm just talking out of my butt, really. =)

[Laura S.]

Hi Nina!

No, it's not so much that they won't retain the progress -- when a kid learns to walk, a kid learns to walk. It's that we want them to feel secure in their progress and keep moving towards independence.

As an example, I know a child whose mother carried him constantly for a very long time. The kid was two and was still being carried and held the majority of the time because the mother thought it important to keep him close to her to help him feel secure. Now, of course, this child did learn to walk, though when she did put him down, he always insisted on being carried. Additionally, because he was exceptionally dependent upon his mother, he appeared to be developmentally delayed emotionally. He was incapable of managing his own emotions and he had to be near his mother constantly. He could not feel secure without her present even at age 6. While this is an extreme example, it illustrates my point, which is that we want them to feel secure in themselves and their own abilities.

Not to mention, give mommy a break!

[Mary P]

It will pass, yes, but while it's happening, you have a child velcro'd to your leg for days or weeks on end, which can be just a wee bit tedious. Also, if you don't respond effectively, the velcro phase can drag on much longer than it need, exhausting the primary caregiver, and leaving secondary caregiver (where there is one) feeling rejected.

[Deanna]

Interestingly, I experienced total mommy rejection when we brought our second child home. Our daughter was only 19 months old at the time, and for the first couple of weeks, it was "Daddy" for everything (he was home for those first two weeks to give me a hand). Even after he went back to work, she still wasn't thrilled with me, and it took a full month for her to want me to do things for her again - like read to her at bedtime. This hasn't happened since, and she needs her fair share of hugs and attention from me now, especially during this potty-training process. Even so, she's a very independently-minded little girl who is always looking forward to the next thing that she can achieve.

[Laura S.]

It's not uncommon to experience mommy rejection after a HUGE change like bringing home a new baby. I experienced the same thing with Tod-lar. It's as if they want to reject us first before we reject them! But they warm up to us again after they see that we're not going to reject them.

[Nina]

All I have to say is that I'm so glad you guys started this blog because seriously, new parents. we don't know. I've spent a lot of time with kids, but still. I don't know. But now I know. =) Thanks!

[hilary]

I'm not sure if it's that my kids are still to young (son 2, daughter 5mths)- aside from my daughter who is always needing mommy- my son loves being independent. I'm at home with them, but we do have babysitters and he responds to them the same way. I'm proud of the way he accepts others into the circle of kissing boo-boos :)

[melissa]

Hello All, Does anyone have any experience with mommy rejection just out of the blue? My 13 month old son really only wants Dad once Dad is home from work, even when he is upset. I of course always go to him, but he leans away from me and cries for Dad. And, if Dad even leaves the room, our little guy loses it! This has been going on for the past month (basically since I started back to work part time). I am still the primary caregiver though... And I believe my son has a secure attachment to me?