In my Marriage and Family Therapy program, my professors constantly talk to us about the need to be aware of our biases. When I started the program, this seemed very obvious to me. "Of course, we need to be aware of our biases. Sheesh." But, as the school year went on, I began to realize how ingrained biases are, and how, because we're so close to them, it's hard to even see we have them.
Biases are influenced by a person's family, friends, culture, education -- one's entire subjective and completely individual experience. This is why even members of the same immediate family can describe totally different perceptions of their family's life, leaving their own brothers and sisters to wonder if they're even describing the same household.
When we communicate, our word choices unintentionally convey our biases to others. More often than not, this inflicts wounds upon the receiver of our words -- wounds never intended. Kathrynaz, a working mother, described such a situation with her best friend, a stay-at-home-mother, in a comment to our last post:
". . . during one particular conversation in which I suggested some of her stress may be alleviated by part-time childcare assistance, she responded with a quick, "I could never do that to him" (meaning, her son). I can not tell you how much those words stung, because in that instant I knew that as many times as she had told me that we were doing what "worked the best" for each of us, she somehow placed a value that what I was choosing to do was perhaps "good enough" for my son, but not "good enough" for her own. Ouch. And this is someone who I know respects and cares a great deal about me."
Kathrynaz's best friend exposed her bias: having someone else watch her son would cause him harm. In turn, Kathrynaz took the words of her best friend and applied them to herself. What each of these women did in this situation is exactly what we all do as people. We speak from our own perceptual lenses and we hear through our own perceptual lenses. It's not wrong. It's just what we do.
Kathrynaz then went on to say:
"Although I think the "whatever works best" argument is a very polite remedy to dealing with the [go-to-work/stay-at-home] debate, I think we also need to probe deeper and ask ourselves if we honestly can say there is a positive value to both decisions."
Frankly, I think Kathrynaz is right. Rather than giving the "whatever works best" argument mere lip-service, we need to put it into practice. We need to put ourselves in the shoes of someone on the opposite side of this issue to bridge the gap so that it no longer is a debate. We need to be aware of our biases and choose our words carefully. At the same time, we need to take responsibility for our reactions to what others say. For the most part, when a person is speaking from their own perceptual lens, they are not talking about us -- they are talking about themselves. Let's give each other room to do that.
When talking with my former friend, it never occurred to me that perhaps just talking about wanting to work conveyed the message that her choice to stay home with her children was somehow wrong. I wish I had been more sensitive to that. I also wish she had said something to me about it directly rather than reacting passive aggressively. Perhaps then we could have had an honest discussion that would have clarified our feelings. Maybe then we could have given each other space to say how we feel without it hurting the other person.
I know what I'm saying here is not new. I wish I had "the answer" to end what should not be a debate. As women, we already have so much stress due to the endless number of roles we occupy (not that men don't have multiple roles, but, sadly, research shows that even women who work outside the home are still the primary caregivers when home and still perform the majority of the household chores -- but we do recognize there are always exceptions!). Rather than debating each other on this issue, we should provide support because as Kathrynaz and other commenters pointed out, and our PiP tag-line states, it really does take a village to raise children. And, sadly, these days, most families live far from relatives who would otherwise be that village.
So, maybe next time you're talking to another mother, don't have that conversation in your head (thanks for the link, Kat!). Instead, let us all be aware of our biases, practice empathy, and take responsibility for our own reactions to what the other person says. Maybe then we can put a stop to this divisiveness.
[Now, will somebody please kick this soapbox out from underneath me? I fear my feet may be glued to it . . . ]
First, I just have to say that this new post has been up for like what, 2-3 hours and nobody has commented yet? Wow! Or maybe I'm the only one who's avoiding work so boring it could be done by a monkey...
I am totally with you on this topic, but don't really know how to comment at this time. My mind is going over all the examples I have of bias in my own friendships.
Could somebody comment for a moment on bias vs. prejudice? Somehow even with the below definitions from dictionary.com I'm having a hard time telling the difference. I guess prejudice always seemed big and bad and bias didn't seem as harmful....
(Bias- "A preference or an inclination, especially one that inhibits impartial judgment".
Prejudice:"An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts.")
Posted by: Krista | July 20, 2006 at 02:15 PM
Everyone has their biases and mine are right. ;)
This is a great topic. I need to think about it and then I will come back. You can stay up on the soapbox if you want, Laura. Do they have wine up there?
Posted by: Melissa | July 20, 2006 at 02:30 PM
Yeah, as you can see I've been sorting through this stuff for a while... Its nice to just have a really frank discussion about it, and I think you are absolutely right, Laura; it involves really peeling away our bias and exploring the core of what we truly believe, and where those beliefs are coming from.
I would say that "bias" is a fact of human nature. It is situated knowledge generated from each individual's cultural/economic/social context. Its what allows us to "live and learn" as functioning human beings. I definitely do not think we should be afraid of it, but rather acknowledge it as part of our framework for discussion.
Ive always thought of "prejudice" as a pathological bias, in which negative judgments (whether based on real experience or not) are universally applied to scenarios/other individuals without appreciation of the context-dependent nature of phenomena. I think prejudice is also natural, but it IS something we should be afraid of and always work to keep it in check. I, myself, am prejudicial in many arenas and it always unseats me when I discover so (like finding a new, wierd looking mole or something.) Going with the mole analogy (gross, huh?), I think you have to monitor it; if it gets worse, maybe consult with a professional and biopsy it, and if its truly malignant- cut that nasty thing out!!
Thanks for more interesting conversation!
Posted by: kathrynaz | July 21, 2006 at 06:06 AM
The SAHM or work decision seems to be very topical in blog-world at the moment (again - hehe). I agree that part of the hurt that comes from these "debates" is due to our own insecurities and doubts being magnified and us trying to quash down the monstruous beasts! I've also realised that I need to be more careful about how I say things in front of other mothers lest they be interpreted as criticism. Sometimes I actually fear talking to new mums for this very reason! And always because I remember what it was like those first few months when it felt like it was impossible to make a "right" decision when it came to mothering my son. *sigh* But anyway, this and the last post have been awesome so thank you, Mary, Laura and other commenters, for some great insights.
Posted by: Kat | July 21, 2006 at 07:07 AM
This post covers two great topics (unspoken inferrences, SAHM/WOHM dichotomy), and I can't wait to see the rest of the comments that *should* come rolling in.
Biases are so deep that sometimes, they startle you. I had one of these hit me Wednesday, when a date informed me that even though I'm cute/funny/intelligent/well-matched to him, etc...that I was too "curvy" for his tastes. Losing the guy? Not a big deal. Realizing that I had the same biases about myself and the 20 pounds left from post-pregnancy as the guy had? That was hard, and I'm now wrapping my brain around accepting (and even loving) my extra backside, at least until it's gone.
On the SAHM/WOHM front: I'm a WAHM (not my own business, just location), and while it sounds like the best of both worlds, it's not. It's isolating. On the bright side, it allows me to see the benefits of both lifestyles. It's also let me see that *both* my daughter and I will benefit from my eventual return to work outside of the home. Does that mean I think all parents should do that? Heck, no. My daughter is very extroverted (as am I), and she'll thrive in an environment with other kids. I can't say a word about what would benefit or hurt others' children. All I know is that I look forward to being able to give my daughter 100% of fewer hours, rather than catch-as-catch-can of all of my time. We'll both enjoy each other more.
Posted by: Allison | July 21, 2006 at 09:06 AM
It's true that identifying our own bias is extremely difficult and requires tenacious self awareness. It's kind of like knowing what the back of your own head looks like. You might not recognize it in a line up, but it's a good idea to take an extra mirror and check it out!
On a positive note I've noticed that mommies grow less judgemental about other womens choices with each generation. Like my grandmothers generation they couldn't wait to out do each other, literally having bake-offs and homemaker of the year awards. My moms weren't outright competitive but snickered plenty behind each others back. My generation struggles to stifle the urge to give a rat's ass. And younger mommies (like my 22 year old mommy friend) really don't give a rat's ass, or so it seems. Maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel afterall.
www.carolinascoffeebreak.blogspot.com
Posted by: cutemama | July 21, 2006 at 01:20 PM
This post made me think about my biases in other areas. Do I let my biases color my reactions to people and what they say? Probably. Now I'll be second guessing myself all day. Thanks!
Posted by: KTP | July 21, 2006 at 03:40 PM
This post made me think about my biases in other areas. Do I let my biases color my reactions to people and what they say? Probably. Now I'll be second guessing myself all day. Thanks!
Posted by: KTP | July 21, 2006 at 03:41 PM