We received this letter from Mitzi last week:
I need some help. I have a 3 year old girl and a 9 month old little girl. My 3 year old is very vibrant, intelligent, caring, and verbal. I love love love all that she is. Ever since she was small she seemed to achieve all the "milestones" early to on-time which was great for me as a first time mother. My 9 month old is the most loving, snuggling, and laughable baby I could have ever hoped for. She smiles all the time.
She, however, seems to be taking forever to reach any milestones. She has no interest in crawling. She rarely responds to her name when I call it. I feel like she never gets the alone time that my oldest got. Both my husband and I work outside the home. The baby stays with my mom and the oldest goes to pre-school. I usually pick the baby up by 3:00, go get sister and head home by 4:00 or so. By that time the baby wants some food, then needs a bath, plays a little while and is usually ready for bed by 6:30. That doesn't leave me a lot of time to squeeze in all I want to do. There is just always something else going on in the background. I do read to her everyday though. I just think that by now she should be pointing to pictures in books and turning the pages.
Basically, I just wonder if a lot of 2nd babies are like this or not. I guess what I want to hear is other people's experiences. I try not to compare the baby and the older girl but its hard not to since that is all I know. Could you please shed some light for me? I feel more and more stress and guilt everyday.
I hear a couple of themes in this letter. First, I hear a mom who wonders if her baby is normal, who’s concerned about the slow achievement of milestones. Secondly, I hear a mom who feels guilty at how little mommy-baby time she’s managing to give this second child. The two themes combine when mommy begins to wonder if the lack of mommy-baby time is contributing in any way to the perceived slow development of her second child - the ultimate guilt-inducer!
Let’s look at them one by one. First, whenever you have concerns like these, a discussion with your doctor is a good starting place. Is your child really delayed? Mothers are often the first ones to see the problem, and I don't want to dismiss your concerns in my efforts to reassure you! Schedule a visit to discuss your concerns. Is your baby’s doctor at all concerned, or does s/he think baby is doing just fine? You’re concerned she doesn’t respond to her name: could there be a physical difficulty - how’s her hearing? See what your doctor thinks.
If there does turn out to be a physical/neurological/medical problem, you will have an explanation for what concerns you, and a course of action. Knowing the facts and being able to take action is so much better than just worrying! If the conversation with the doctor assures you that baby is perfectly fine in all particulars - and usually they do! - you can start to relax.
The examples this mom gives - crawling, turning pages, pointing to pictures, responding to her name - are all things that many nine-month-old babies are doing. However, there are many others who are not doing these things yet. I don’t hear anything to be worried about yet. The range of “normal” is very broad, much broader than most people realize. I’ve seen children crawl at four months (egad!); I’ve seen those who didn’t crawl until 11 months; I’ve seen those who never crawled at all, but went straight on to walking! Huge variation.
So, my input on that first theme? Ask your doctor, and if s/he’s not worried, try to relax. If your doctor’s not worried, you can ask when s/he might begin to be worried - two months from now? four? It’s all information that’s good to have.
Now, that second strand, the concerns that baby is not getting enough one-on-one time, and that this might be compromising her development.
1. First, right off the top, it seems baby is getting one-on-one grownup time, with grandma. Are there other children there, too? If not, baby is getting lots of one-on-one adult attention. It’s not mommy time, no, but grandmas are pretty decent back-up mommies. The one who’s suffering here is you! You miss your baby. But your baby? I can’t imagine most grammas allowing baby to be starved for adult attention. :-) Grammas are chief elders in the village that raises the child!
2a. This one will be hard to hear: Your second baby will not get as much solo mommy time as the first did.
There is no way around this fact. I remember feeling no end of guilt about this when my son (my second) was born. Suddenly, my first child was being ripped off of all her mummy time, and my second would never experience what the first had received. What had I DONE??? Oh, the guilt!
Before the new baby was a year old, what I saw was that “what I had done” was not to take something away, but to give them something - a sibling. They each got stuff from their sibling that they just couldn’t get from me. Siblings enrich each others’ lives, learn from each other, enjoy each other. (And try to kill each other bytimes, indeed, but it’s not all squabbles and rivalry!)
2b. The time spent with your baby does not have to be solo time for it to be quality mom time. Rolling around on the floor with both your kids is fun for all three of you. Holding baby on your lap while you help older child with her puzzle; watching while older child helps to feed baby - all these are quality times for everyone.
3. Character makes a huge difference. One child is an active, type A go-getter; another is a relaxed, type-B life-savourer. Child A will be on the move, trying new things, pushing themselves and you. Crawling at five months, walking at ten. Go, go, go!! Child B will be perfectly happy to sit on his blanket with his toys until he’s fifteen months old. One child isn’t smarter or more capable than another, just different. One sweet child in my daycare didn’t take his first steps till he was 19 months old, such a calm child he was, no drive to get places at all – but he was speaking in long sentences, with clauses and sub-clauses, at 22 months. Amazing!
One child doesn’t crawl till she is 9.5 months old, but walks at 11 months. Another is up on his hands and knees, ready to crawl at five months, but doesn't walk till 16 months. Both of them perfectly normal. (Both of them mine, as it happens.) You just never know!
As to the tendency to compare? It’s natural enough: Your first child gave you your parenting template. Comparing is one way of learning. We compare seconds against firsts - and thirds, and the neighbour’s child, and nieces and nephews. It’s normal to note the similarities and differences. Comparing becomes a problem only if your first child’s template becomes the only acceptable one. We have to let each child be who they are, in all their idiosyncrasies and personal quirks.
Moreoever, comparing can be a positive. Look at all the examples I gave you a couple of paragraphs up, just to show you, by comparison, the wide range of achievement and timetables in perfectly normal children.
So, is this a second-child issue? No. Does it have anything to do with the amount of mommy-time? No. Is there a problem with your child? Probably not, but do chat with your doctor, just to be sure.
Me, I suspect it’s just your daughter being who she is: cheerful, loving, and laid-back.
My second kid happened to be the laid back one, slower to reach milestones as well, and my older one is the more intense type A. We were also concerned for a while, and interestingly, so was the pediatrician - enough to have him evaluated by developmental specialists around 20 months of age. But by the time they scheduled the appointment, the kid had made major strides and ended up scoring "normal" or slightly above in all of the areas we'd been most concerned about. He was just on his own timetable, which happened to be vastly different from our "parenting template", our first kid.
Don't stress yet. It's just part of getting to know your second child's nature, and of course you'll compare to the first one because it's natural. Like Mary said, though, just don't let it turn into the only acceptable way to be.
Posted by: Kristen | July 29, 2006 at 09:12 PM
I'm right there too. My second one is only 3 months, but oh, the guilt!! Mary, thanks for the down-to-earth sound advice. I'll try to keep it in mind
Posted by: ktjrdn | August 01, 2006 at 07:46 AM
We're going to have our second son in December, so this will be a valuable topic to keep in mind. I think it will be hard not to compare our boys and worry at least a little...
Thank you for another great topic, I'm really enjoying this blog!
Posted by: Krista | August 02, 2006 at 03:46 PM
Scanning the archives and found this and feel the same with my 4 year old and my 1 year old. My one year old is slow to reach darn near EVERY milestone (EVEN TEETH! My 4 year old had 8 teeth when she turned one... baby turned one a few weeks ago, and just after that, got her first two teeth).
Baby2 gets more mom time than my oldest did because I work at home now and my oldest is in daycare/preschool 2x per week - so when my youngest is behind on things compared to where my oldest was, i can't help but think - okay, it must be me. Ironically I wonder if she would be achieving more if she were in daycare (can you believe it?!).
I think, actually, that what it is is that my oldest is a lot like my husband - gregarious, confident, outgoing. My youngest tends to be more like me - quiet, introspective (okay, I'm reaching here, cuz she's only one!), but more likely to watch and guage a situation than jump right in...
It's hard!
Posted by: Sarah | August 12, 2006 at 04:29 PM