Partners in Parenting: Stop "Shoulding" All Over Yourself

As Mary wrote in her last post, many of us suffer from the guilt of the "shoulds."

I should not yell at my kids. I should not say things I don't mean. I should follow-through on whatever I say. I should listen to my children more. I should stay home with my children instead of working.

As Mary also pointed out, not all "shoulds" are attainable, but many are. For the ones that are (and even those that aren't), rather than spending valuable energy and time "shoulding" all over yourself, DO something about it.

First, collect some baseline data on that "should." For instance, if you think you should not yell at your children, then keep a log for two or three weeks of how often you do yell. Include short notes about the situation and how you felt physiologically right before you began shouting. When you examine the data, you may find you don't yell nearly as much as you think. On the other hand, maybe you really do yell too often at your children. Now that you have clear evidence, you can implement your own intervention.

If the data shows you only yell in a certain situation, then change the situation (just as Mary suggested!). If it can't be changed, then stay aware of those physiological signals which tell you you're about to start shouting. When you start to feel your heart and mind race, take a deep breath and count to ten. Or tell your child you need a minute and walk to another room to collect yourself. Or try changing your tone of voice. You can even force yourself to unfurrow your brow and smile, which can help to change your internal state from angry or frustrated to at least neutral, if not happy (Adlemann & Zajonc, 1989).

While implementing your intervention, continue to track how often you yell. You may even want to track how often you wanted to yell, but didn't. Seeing progress on paper can keep you motivated in practicing self-awareness and maintaining your intervention so that the new behavior you're seeking becomes the new habit. Then, you can cross that "should" off your list!

Sometimes parenting isn't about changing our children's behavior. Sometimes it's about changing our own.

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*Adelmann, P. K., and Zajonc, R. B. (1989). Facial efference and the experience of emotion. Annual Review of Psychology, Vol. 40, pp. 249-280.