When I go out with the tots, I often push a stroller that seats four. With a child or two walking alongside, that can create quite a stir. People point and smile, people gasp, people laugh out loud. Many come over to talk, and when they do, I think the thing I hear most often is "Look at all those children! You must be so patient!"
Guess what? I'm not. Not particularly. Just like everyone else, I have my strengths and weaknesses, but patience is not a particular area of excellence for me. I can be quite impatient in certain circumstances, but over all, I think I'm patient-neutral. This does not make me a bad caregiver: it just means that I need other strengths to compensate. It means I likely interact with the children differently than a more patient person might; I probably structure my day differently. Differently, not better or worse.
It would be a huge problem, though, if I felt I should be patient, if I berated myself for my impatience, and worse, if I allowed myself into situations that would try my patience beyond bearing - because daycaristas should be patient! "Why is this so hard? I should be able to cope!"
Accepting that in this area I fall short of an ideal means that I do my job better than if I continued to strive to be other than what I am. Please be clear: Accepting what I am does not mean that I allow myself self-indulgent hissy fits at the childrens' expense! It means that I structure my day and align my expectations of the kids to minimize stress on my less-than-saintly patience levels.
What about us as parents? What are our expectations of ourselves? Do we have an idea of what a mom or dad "should" be? Do we try to squeeze ourselves into molds we just don't fit? Do we berate ourselves because we're not this or that enough, or because we have this or that feeling we "shouldn't" have? Some of our "shoulds" are conscious, others are not. These are hardest to deal with.
I suspect that if you're dissatisfied with your parenting, and especially if the dissatisfaction is vague and global, you may be suffering from a sense of inadequacy brought on by failing to be an unconscious "should". Dig it up and take a good look at it. Does that "should" reflect who you really are? Can you compromise with your Inner Perfectionist, and accept that you can be a great parent without meeting all your "should's"?
Life is a process of gradual maturity and improvement. Some of those "shoulds" are attainable, and the striving for them can bring great satisfaction. Others are not, and we need not allow them to detract from the joy we can take in our children, and in our relationship with them.
What are your "shoulds"?
I should play and cook more with my kids. And patience is definitely a should for me, too.
Posted by: Kristen | July 12, 2006 at 06:45 AM
I like you know that patience isn't something that I do very well. I make an attempt but alot of the times fail miserably. I like your idea of structuring things so that goals are attainable and less stressful.
My shoulds....
play with my older son more often.
read to my 1 year old.
enjoy every day for what it is instead of what it wasn't.
Posted by: Mama of 2 | July 12, 2006 at 06:51 AM
Have more structure in my days/weeks. I know kids need structure & repitition & regular activities, but I find all that sooooo boring. With me, they have to learn how to go with the flow & that it doesn't matter if you miss a class here and there:-)
Posted by: juggling mother | July 12, 2006 at 09:22 AM
Mary P. I see these struggles in people close to me and I have a very hard time articulating to them the feeling and meaning of what you have posted.
We are who we are, there are reasons and excuses, when we except ourselves, warts and all, that is when we can begin grow and learn.
An honest assesment of strength and weakness provides a guideline when interacting with the children. When you are aware that the end of the rope is close you can negotiate a safe landing. When the rope slips out of your hands and you didn't see it coming, that presents a problem.
Your last paragraph "Life is a process of gradual maturity"is so true. It fails to mention that everyone starts that "process" at different points on the maturity scale.
Fails to mention is too strong, but the starting point is the reason that some "shoulds" are unattainable.
The fact that "shoulds" are attainable for some and not for others is a reality that I think is directly tied to the place we start in life, why do we start in different paces? I believe reincarnation.
Posted by: Peter | July 14, 2006 at 08:17 AM
What a perfect post for the type of day that culminated into the type of evening I shared with my children, that sent me crying onto the patio feeling like a completely useless mother.
My shoulds? I should stop expecting so much of myself. I should spend more time with my toddler and not leave him to play by himself so much just bc I'm caring for my twon-month old. I shoud not take things so personally. I should find a better way to cope with things.
Posted by: Jennifer | July 14, 2006 at 09:14 PM
When one becomes a mother, it seems the "shoulds" are born along with the child. SHOULD I stay at home or SHOULD I work? SHOULD I breastfeed or SHOULD I bottle feed? SHOULD I sterilize that pacifier that just dropped in the dirt or SHOULD I just rinse it off? SHOULD I use a pacifier???
Motherhood presents many opportunities to feel many obligations-- often influenced by the outside (i.e. other moms, family members, society's unwritten rules), and with those obligations, guilt is not far behind. Being a people pleaser and a perfectionist (to a fault), I knew I would be prone to feeling guilty and obligated. However, one hits the ground running once one becomes a mom, so there was no time for me to waste thinking about the implied "shoulds"-- I had a very critical job to do, and that was to raise my children.
It wasn't until I became a mom that I realized how very difficult it was to raise kids. And, if it was so very difficult (and rewarding and tiring and fun and challenging) for me, then I am sure it must be the same for every other mom out there, staying at home or working, breastfeeding or bottle feeding, etc. How wonderful would the world be if we (society) realized that, and instead of projecting "shoulds" on others, we are encouraging and celebratory of each other's personal successes based on their own "shoulds?"
Now, this is not at all to say I don't have my own "shoulds", I do, but they are my own "shoulds"-- they never go away for a perfectionist. However, as a mom of young children, I have to stick to the task at hand, and be confident that MOST OF THE TIME I am doing right by my children... as the mom next door is doing right by her children.
To Kristen, Mama of 2, Juggling Mother, and especially Jennifer, I have no idea who you are and what your situations may be, but if I may be so bold to say, I think you are already doing a fantastic job (you ARE reading a parenting blog to learn more!!), and while you have mentioned your "shoulds", take stock in what you have already accomplished so far! Motherhood is an already extremely challenging road, there is no sense in not encouraging each other to keeping going!
Posted by: Karly | July 15, 2006 at 03:10 PM
I should have more patience and understanding. And each day I do. Parenting is a process, like you say. It all gets better with time.
Posted by: VirtualSprite | July 16, 2006 at 06:33 PM