Who's Raising Baby?

During our last comment conversation, this Daycare Provider was drawn (not surprisingly) to comments made about daycare.  The issue that attracted my attention most was the question of who exactly is "raising the child". 

One mother stated that she didn't like the idea of "a daycare raising [her] child."

Another mother (understandably enough) reacted to that: My kids are not being raised by daycare. I take offense to this. They are being raised by my husband and I. But they do go to daycare and play during the day. People have a weird idea of what daycare is. It is not some horrible place where my kids are not taken care of, nor is it the place where they are raised. It just is.

Let me make it clear at the outset that I am quite sure that if the three of us were discussing this over coffee, the discussion would be friendly and helpful. I've taken only a small part of their comments, and it certainly doesn't express all they believe, I'm sure.  A discussion would reveal explanations, clarifications, nuances, and expansions of their comments. There is only so much, after all, that can be said in a tiny comment box.

However, taken at face value, both comments are mistaken in their understanding of what it is a daycare does. The first attributes too much influence to daycare; the second, not enough.  Both misunderstandings can be addressed neatly by that now-familiar aphorism, "It takes a village to raise a child."

The first commenter believes that a daycare "raises her child". Now, I'm quite sure that she doesn't mean this as globally as it sounds.  No parent would argue that the daycare's child-raising influence extends into the hours when the child is with the parent. I don't think this mother likely really believes that the daycare is the child's primary caregiver. Thus I infer that her expressed concern, that the daycare would 'raise her child', means that she is uncomfortable with the idea that during daycare hours someone other than herself has primary influence over her child.

In practical terms, she's right.  During daycare hours, as a daycare provider, I determine what the child will eat, when he or she will sleep, what games and activities will occupy his/her time.  I establish behaviour expectations, I encourage good manners, I chastise inappropriate behaviour, I kiss bo-bos and clean faces and change little backsides.

In emotional terms, however, she's wrong.  No matter how fond I am of your child, and your child of me, I will never replace a parent. It simply doesn't happen. The child knows who their parents are; they know what home is.  There is no confusion in the child's mind.  Ever.  I suppose, were the parents abusive... but no, even then children have been shown to be tremendously loyal to the most horrific of parents. If even those 'parents' can maintain their emotional and psychological primacy with their children, the average loving parent has nothing to fear from the likes of me!

However, although daycares don't raise your child to the exclusion of the parents, the truth of the matter is that daycare providers are helping to raise the child.  Note the verb: helping.  Not an unqualified "raising", but, inarguably, we are helping in this endeavour. Surely no one really perceives daycare as some sort of limbo, a place in which, while the child is not treated horribly, neither are they nurtured quite enough for it to be termed "raising".  "It just is" is hardly a glowing tribute to the time, effort, energy, and yes, love, a good daycare expends upon your child.

Again, I doubt this mother really intended to convey what it sounds like.  While, emotionally, a parent might shy away from the idea that anyone but themselves raises their child, I doubt there are many parents who honestly want their child to be warehoused during her working hours in a place where nothing more significant than basic physical caretaking and play happens.  No teaching?  No loving?  No encouragement, nurturing, training, guiding? No instruction in manners? No modelling of patience and empathy? No guidance in impulse-control?  Of course you want all those things, and more, to happen!  And what are all those things, if not aspects of the raising of a child?

So, yes, the daycare, if it is doing its job properly, does help raise your child.  As a daycare provider, I provide an expert, experienced  resourse to you the parent, and a beloved back-up mom to your child.  Support for the parent, nurturing for the child.  I will never replace you, but I am part of the village that raises your child.

Comments

[Kat O+]

I think the title of this blog pretty much sums it up. My son's carers are partners. I see this reflected in their excitement every time he does something new and in how much he enjoys running into daycare every morning. The relationship between me, hubby and his carers is collaborative. And really, there's no rule that says we parents have to do it alone. I'm personally looking forward to dropping him off at daycare every morning once we start toilet training... :-D

[Kim]

Thank you Thank you Thank you! I am so tired of answering questions about this. Now I can just point the questioners here!

As a first time mother with a spouse who has no experience with young children, I am thrilled to have partners in raising my son, especially partners with so much experience. They've seen it all and no question is too silly or trivial.

I am old enough to know that I need to work outside the home. I am a better parent in the time I spend with my son, and value that time more because I have my job.

It has to be good for a child to be surrounded by so much love all the time.

Kat, I'm right there with you on the toilet stuff!

[Melissa]

Hmmmm....Mary P, you are right on. But you need to know I was just trying to make a point. I was offended by the woman who said that daycare raises your children. And I commented on it because that statement hurt me in a way. She insinuated that I wasn't doing my part in raising my kids. That if I was a better parent, I'd stay home and do it my self.

My kids are being raised by me and my husband. But we have great daycare teachers and parents and friends who are all helping us raise them, I do know that. It is sort of a village mentality. I was raised this way too.

And it was my own issues that made me respond the way I did. I was having a crappy week and my daughter was having a problem at school that made me want to be home with her. I know I am doing the best thing for me and my girls. But it does make me feel a bit defective when people are constantly talking about how they made the better choice. I was not trying to say anything against day care providers.

[Zigi Gouldberg]

I Googled daycares, and found this blatantly anti-daycare website:
http://www.daycaresdontcare.org

I just don't know what to think...

[Mary P]

Melissa - don't worry, my dear! As I said at a couple of points, I was quite aware that your comment was almost certainly only part of what you likely really think on the matter, and I meant it. I also knew that you were speaking in reaction to a specific aspect of the previous commenter. (Nor do I imagine her comment expressed ALL that she thinks on the topic.)

It is a complicated topic. We could discuss layers of meaning and responses, nuances and fears for hours and still not have expressed all we feel. I'm also quite sure, that were we able to meet and talk for a couple of hours, we would find we had more in common than we had to separate us.

Zigi - Would you be shocked to know that I didn't disagree with every single point raised in that site? While I disagree vigorously with its premise, and while I deplore much of what is said, they raise some points worthy of consideration. Not all daycares are equal; we need to consider the issues they raise, like staff turnover, staff-to-child ratio, hygiene, adherance to the laws.

The creators of the site are ideologues, though, people who have a single set of ideas on a given topic, who can admit to no areas of uncertainty, for whom there are no shades of gray. Most of us don't live in a world like that, thankfully - which is why we consider the possible negatives in a daycare, even as we send our chid to one. Because we can recognize that NO set-up is perfect, not in a small home daycare, not in a large daycare centre, not even home with a parent.

I believe them when they say they are not trying to make anyone feel guilty. (!!) No, really. They are ideologues: they believe every word of what they say, and therefore, from their perspective, it would be morally wrong not to inform people of their "facts". That their 'facts' are very carefully chosen to support only one perspective is inarguable, because to them there IS only one perspective.

A site like this would no more make me feel guilty for putting my child in a carefully chosen daycare than I would feel guilty for not being able to ward off post-partum depression with vitamins...

[Melissa]

I love that last line of your comment Mary P. Too funny.

I think you are probably right, I could sit and have a conversation with the woman who wrote the comment about daycare in that post. It is hard to convey a large thought, full of meaning, into a small comment. I mean, this is your (& Laura's) site, not mine. I tried though in my comment in that post (and this post) to get my point across and not be hateful and not take up too much space. Putting or not putting kids in daycare is a complex issue, one that is in my face right now. And what works for my family doesn't necessarily work for others. I do like what you guys are doing here. Thank you for responding to me.

[kathrynaz]

Very nice post! Thank you for continuing to tackle those very "gray" areas in parenting!

[Kat O+]

Here's another article about the village philosophy of daycare:
http://www.smh.com.au/news/opinion/a-few-lessons-for-mum-and-dad-too-at-child-care/2005/12/06/1133829595618.html

My favourite line is the description of the "watchful, and loving eye of a dedicated batch of women whose career is to hold the hands of young people as they take their first steps on a long path."

[Emily]

This is a very insightful post! And I think its true that you have to find the "right" daycare for you. I couldn't be happier with my daughter's daycare. It is a center, but a small one. I personally know the owner and she picks out wonderful, loving women and men for the caregivers. My daughter has been in 2 classrooms so far (she's 18 months old) and has had a special relationship with at least one teacher in each. Yesterday she brought some artwork home and pointed out the "apple" on it! I didn't even know she could say apple, let alone pick one out of a picture!

I love having help raising her! Especially being a first time mom - I get lots of good advice and assurance!

[kristied]

Melissa- If it was my comment that offended you, it was never meant to. I am always afraid what i say will be taken the wrong way. If it was my comment (becuase i did say those words), i was not insinuating that you (or any other parent with kids in daycare)do not do your part as a parent. as you said it is hard to convey everything properly in a short comment. I should pick my words more carefully before i post anything. (and try not to think at 2 am anymore...) I agree that it takes a village. (I think for me, it was (is?) my own personal issues over being separated from my son. Not so much over whether it was right or wrong. and you are right, it is a very complex issue.)

and I would like to think too, that if we were all having coffee, things would not have been taken the wrong way and we would be getting on just fine. I apologize sincerely for any offense.

[Krista]

I'm behind on reading the posts, so this isn't exactly a timely comment...

Since we have but a small amount of family living near us, we are not able to rely completely on family as our "village" to help raise our son. Fortunately we found a good daycare that can fill in the blanks.