We received a question from Meredith, asking "how do you teach preschoolers to be polite to others while still giving them the freedom of not being friends with children whom they don't like?"
On the surface, this question is straightforward, but as any parent knows, it’s not really. On the surface, you may say, “If she doesn’t like little Suzie, she doesn’t always have to play with her, just so long as she’s polite about it.”
It’s more complicated than that, for a bunch of reasons:
- kids are generally too straightforward for polite evasions and will just blurt out something unacceptably blunt;
- the children being rejected may not get it, and will persist, forcing a stronger response;
- you may like the other child, and want to encourage your child to be friends;
- even when you agree with your child’s feelings about the other child, you may like the child’s parent, and not want to insult your friend by supporting your child;
- you don’t want to create social upheaval in the tot lot;
- you are afraid of the other parents’ reaction
- anger, resentment, hurt;
- you may value extroversion, and see unwillingness to make friends as a weakness in your child;
- you want to protect your child from the stigma of being labelled negatively (unfriendly, over-sensitive, socially backward, etc);
- you want to protect yourself from the stigma of being the mother of that negatively-labelled child.
I’m sure there are more. Phew! Suddenly, this is very complicated!
From the child’s perspective, it’s simple. “Go away. I don’t want to play with you.” The other child goes away. There! Problem solved.
For the adult, there are many more layers of action and reaction. Not all of these are relevant to your child. How the other parents will view you based on your child’s behaviour, for example, is your issue, not your child’s. Try to be clear on what is motivating your response. Is it concern for your child’s social development, or are you personally fearful or embarrassed? Once you have sorted that out, you can deal with your child’s behaviour.
In fact, the child in the story did very well. On this occasion, she had had enough of the other child, and told her "I need a break from you."
You know what? That was a really good way to handle it. Now, an adult hears that phrase and knows it includes "you're getting on my nerves", but the little girl didn't say that. She spoke only of herself - "I need". That's very good.
The parents in the story found it a little harsh, though, and when the other child persisted and their daughter followed up with "Go swim in the pool", they were even more concerned. Again, given that the children in question are no more than four years old (possibly less, I'm not entirely sure), they're doing very well. The little girl was clear about her needs, and then offered another possible activity to the child she didn't want to play with. The other child, apparently, took it on the chin and toddled off. Clear communication; conflict avoided. The kids did well!
It is not wrong for a child to state their needs. "I need a break from you", while not the most tactful thing she could have said, is not, for a three-year-old, rude. It is a clear and factual expression of her needs at that moment. Sometimes, no matter how sensitive we are, the other guy will be offended by our expression of our needs. That does not mean we have been rude! We need not to project this social skittishness upon our children.
When the child went one step further and told the other girl to "go swim in the pool", she was awfully close to the polite-rude line, and may have crossed it, just a bit. Certainly, she might be accused (by the other child's mother, most likely) of being bossy. Or you could say that she was applying necessary force. For me, it's a tough call. Again, I see this as an issue of tact, not a huge violation of manners.
Still, for parental comfort and your child's ongoing social development, you will want to teach them more tactful ways of dealing with this situation, as it's a very common one.
Firstly, there are times when you just have to make nice to someone you don't particularly like. We all do. It's a necessary social skill. So, if you think she can cope without WWIII breaking out, you may expect her to play with the other child for at least a few minutes. (Not if the child is physically aggressive or deliberately hurtful. There are times to protect our children from abuse. But even a socially gawky other-person's child needs some lovin', too - and some social practice!)
Do some pre-planning. "When we go to the pool, Annoying Child might be there. Would you enjoy playing with her?" You might be surprised by the answer. Kids can enjoy playing with someone with whom they mostly squabble. Sigh.
Part of the pre-planning is to give the child useful social phrases. "I would like to play by myself right now." "I would like to be with just my mummy/daddy right now." "I'm ready to go home now."
Practice these at home. Pretend to be the other child, and let your child use the phrase until she knows when to use it and can say it comfortably.
Obviously, these solutions are for a child who can speak well. If they haven't the words for such exchanges, they are probably playing much closer to a parent's foot -- and immediate adult assistance!
One last word on the issue of politeness: Being polite does not mean the other person will always be happy with you. Sometimes, no matter how polite you are, the other person will be disappointed, or annoyed, or even hurt. Good manners show respect to the other party; they show that you are trying to treat them with kindness and consideration. After that, the other person's response is their responsibility. And, we hope, they treat you with the same good manners you treat them!
So maybe what it does boil down to after all is where we started: “If she doesn’t like little Suzie, she doesn’t always have to play with her, just so long as she’s polite about it.”
Urrgh. I had just typed out a long narrative and lost it before it posted... trying again...
My daughter has been in an similiar situation. There is a little girl in our neighborhood who she has become fascinated with. We've enjoyed several several playdates and have gone to the park together.
Most recently we were at the park for another girl's birthday party. As we were preparing to leave, my daughter went over to this girl and attempted to take her hand saying, "Let's hold hands when we go home." (We were going to walk home together)
Said girl pulls her hand away and in disgust says, "I don't want to hold hands. I don't want you." The girls had just minutes before been playing quite nicely on the structures so I don't know what prompted this other than the fact that she probably just didn't want to go home and didn't know how to verbalize this (said girl is 4 1/2 yrs, DD will be 4 next month).
Needless to say, my daughter is in tears and can't understand why she doesn't want to be friends. This isn't the first time this has happened... but I have never intervened... always wanting the girls to work work it out themselves.
When we got home, I had a talk with DD and explained that there are good friends (those that make you feel good about yourself and think of your feelings) and bad friends (those that make you feel sad/hurt and don't always consider your feelings). I told her it was her choice to decide which type of friend she wanted to be and her choice who she played with.
We haven't yet had the opportunity to test out our discussion.
~~~
Funny though - there have also been a few sticky situations with said girl's mom. For example, at a playgroup gathering, my daughter wanted a treat and I said she would need to ask nicely and say please. This girl's mom insisted that 'please' was not necessary... we went back and forth for a few moments before I conceited... not wanting to make a scene in front of others and the kids.
I have several other anecdotes I could share similiar to this whereby this mom interjects her parenting style on others without thought of how it is preceived.
Posted by: Makita | August 10, 2006 at 07:49 AM
What a wonderful post.
I had a similar situation happen recently and looking back on it I had to apologize to my son for putting him in a situation he didn't want to be in because I felt that I needed to make an appearance.
You are so right that adults make things more complicated than children ever do. So really what's so great about growing up then?
Posted by: Mama of 2 | August 11, 2006 at 05:50 AM
Interesting!! I love the logic that the straightforward manner kids use isn't necessarily "rude" - I need to do a better job of drawing that line for my kids.
Posted by: Kristen | August 11, 2006 at 11:29 AM