Partners in Parenting

Television and Toddlers

[Unless otherwise indicated, the information contained in this post was obtained from a comprehensive review article on the literature pertaining to television viewing among young children.*]

Television viewing and Children is a controversial issue for parents.  Some parents don't believe in ever allowing their young children to watch it, while others gladly profess to using it as the babysitter and thank Farnsworth everyday for its existence.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that no child view television prior to age two.  This reconfirms the convictions of parents who have banned it from their homes and left other parents wondering if they're really harming their children by allowing them to watch Baby Einstein or other shows that claim to be educational. 

But what does the research show?

Basically, all the research demonstrates that television isn't nearly as educational as we'd like it to be.  Children under age 2 learn far less from television than they do from real-life experiences.  Kids don't even learn language from television until around 2 1/2, which is when they start to actually comprehend what they're seeing on the screen.  Thus, propping your child in front of Elmo is not going to increase his vocabulary prior to that age -- especially since s/he probably can't even understand what that Muppet is saying anyway.  I know I can't.  In fact, Elmo, or more accurately, Sesame Street, is one program associated with reduced language growth, as is Teletubbies (for more obvious reasons). 

But before you panic, other research demonstrates that some shows are associated with enhanced language growth.  These include:

• Dora the Explorer
• Blue's Clues
• Dragon Tales
• Arthur
• Clifford

Whew.

But remember, this enhanced language growth won't occur until around 2 1/2 anyway.

And Barney?  How could we forget Barney?  His show is associated with reduced overall vocabulary but increased expressive language.  It must be because of all that talk about "love" and whatnot.

So, that's some of the skinny on television, or more specifically, foreground television, which is programming actually being watched by the child.  But what about background television?  I grew up in a house where the TV is on all the time, even when no one was watching it!  Sadly, any background noise, including TV, is associated with poorer cognitive development (which may explain a thing or two about me) because it distracts the child from a play episode.

The other issue is that background television detracts from the interaction between child and caregiver, an interaction essential to increasing the complexity of the child's play.  If this interaction is disrupted or reduced, the child's play is adversely affected and so is his/her cognitive development. 

Television's negative impact on language development and manipulative play are the main reasons the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no viewing prior to age two (Healy, 1998).  Deficits in these areas are correlated with lower reading scores and a poorly developed prefrontal cortex, which is the Executive Function area of the brain necessary for decision-making, planning, etc. 

Then, of course, there's the issue of Attention Disorders.  While the research on this is still inconclusive, some studies have shown a small correlation between 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 year-olds' television viewing and later attention disorders.  Much more research on this, however, needs to be done.

Finally, there's the issue of hours of viewing.  Honestly, it's hard to say how many hours a day the average toddler watches.  Surveys provide a mean, but the outliers are waaaay out there.  Some children watch 0 hours, while others watch up to 18 hours per day!  And, because this post is based on a review article, I honestly don't know how many hours of TV the subjects of the studies summarized here were actually viewing (sorry -- but I'm working with limited time here!). 

So what does all this mambo-jumbo mean?  In then end, I think (and this is really just my humble opinion) it means that TV in moderation (like so many other things) is okay -- even for children who are only a year old.  Now, I know this goes against the AAP's recommendation, but in our litigious, puritanical society, abstinence is always the safest recommendation.  And, I also think their recommendation is based upon the assumption that many parents will use the TV as the babysitter 24/7, not just sometimes, which, honestly, is necessary in this modern age when so many of us don't have a village.

What do you think?

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*Anderson, D. R., Pempek, T. A. (2005).  Television and very young children.  American Behavioral Scientist, 48(5), 505-522.

Announcement: Sleep Series on its way!

Enough of you have been asking sleep-related questions that Laura and I decided it was time to tackle this most central of early-parenting issues.  There's no way this topic can be tackled in one post, so we envision a series. I'm not making any promises as to schedules - I know I'm not that organized, and I think Laura's probably too busy to make an "every Thursday morning" kind of committment. However, look here for our response to the issue, and we'll do our best to have a post a week in the series.

Here's what we've outlined in our heads:

1. Introductory post (check!)

2. Laying the groundwork for sleep.  Ways to encourage good sleeping patterns, even before the baby is physiologically ready to do so.

3. The three main approaches to infant and toddler sleep: Cry-It-Out, Modified CIO, and No-Cry. We will not take any positions at this point, simply outline each approach and some of its variations, its pros and cons. This section will take three or more posts.

4. What WE think.

This series will take a few weeks, and its format may be adjusted as we get input from you. (Or have a brilliant idea of our own!!) Stay tuned.

Desperate Times...

Another True Grit story, from a desperate and sleep-deprived mommy...

My youngest child was the worst sleeper of my children. The first three had all begun sleeping through the night by seven/eight months, and I expected something the same from my third. So when, at 11 months, he was still waking me repeatedly in the night, I was at my wits' end.

I tried one thing and another. While quite willing to use a modified CIO, the childrens' rooms were too close together, and the one night I tried it, it disturbed my other children. What to do?

I moved him to a room further down the hall, put him in a sturdy playpen, the type with a soft bottom and mesh sides that sits flat on the floor. He scaled it! Appeared at my door, smiling in triumph sometime after midnight. HOW??  Argh. I really, really, really needed a full night's sleep. I had three  older children, only one of whom still napped. I was practically non-functional.

The furthest bedroom was still too close. He could climb out of the playpen. I considered my options feverishly. (I was doing most things feverishly, at that point in my life...)

A-ha! The basement was further away than the bedroom! The playpen wasn't safe upright, but what if....?

My solution? Make baby a comfy mat on the floor.

Take the soft-sided, soft-bottomed playpen, and INVERT it over the baby.

Sleep on the livingroom couch, so I would be at hand should anything go wrong.

Nothing did. Less than a week later, he was sleeping through the night. But, sshhh!  You are the only people who will ever know...

Working From Home and a Toddler - Can they be Combined?

Farah writes:

I work full-time and have an almost 2 year-old daughter. She is a joy ... and a challenge. Of course. :) I work at home 3 days a week, while taking care of her, and work in the office 2 days a week while various extended family members take care of Piper.

One of the days, my sister (who has a 19 month old girl) watches her, and one of the days my husband's family takes care of her (either his mom, or one of his sisters, both of whom have kids and who all live in the same house).

The challenge that I find is that instead of me or daycare raising Piper, the TV does much of the duty because I am trying to work. Sometimes Piper is content to sit in my lap and draw while I reach around her to get to my computer. .. She has a couple of shows that she really enjoys that I have recorded and let her watch throughout the morning, but I don't like how much the TV has become something constant for her, and I know it's my fault. Occasionally, I turn it off and let her just wander to find whatever to do. I don't believe that I need to be structuring her entire day or constantly entertaining her. But our house is small, and she's explored it pretty much to its limits. I am very empathetic about her boredom; it's only natural. But getting in my 8 hours a day is becoming more and more difficult because she is so discontented.

I also think of new things to entertain her every once in a while, but a lot of the activities that I've read about in my research need to be supervised. I am trying to better manage my time so that I can take time out from work to do some of those activities with her, but I also would love to find some activities that a child of her young age can do independently with minimal supervision from me. I've pretty much tapped my pathetic imagination to its limits.

So I guess my basic question is this: In your experience and training, what activities do you recommend or have tried for a 22 month old child to do 1) supervised, and 2) independently? I ask about both types because I know that she needs more "quality" time with me aside from reading her books (which I do often). And I think if she has more constructive time with me, she'll be more apt to go about her own business with contentment and satisfaction in the times when I'm not doing other things (work, housework, etc.).

Well, Farah, Laura and I have chatted and it seems we're not going to answer the question you pose!  So why are we tackling your letter, then? Well, because the question you don't ask is so very interesting.

When we read your letter, we had similar responses: the problem is not that your child needs more activities to entertain her, nor even that you need a better division of your attention between work and child, but only that you are trying to do the well-nigh impossible - put in an eight-hour work day AND care for a toddler, simultaneously.  I could give you a list of activities for your daughter, but I doubt very much it would really solve this problem.

(Furthermore, it would make this post even more outrageously long were I to try! Though I'm now percolating another post, even as we speak. Hmmm...)

It's also quite true that I also am a WAHM, and that I managed to care for my young children simultaneously, but then, I probably have about the only job on that planet that so perfectly accommodates the mother's own children!

While my response was to start brain-storming ways to work around your dilemma, Laura's was more focussed on the issue of daycare, and daycare avoidance. I'll let her speak for herself:

“From your question, it appears you may be anti-daycare.  This is understandable.  A lot of families feel this way for cultural, philosophical, even financial reasons.  However, I think it’s important to know that the research on daycare demonstrates that a quality care situation can be beneficial for the child.  Children in daycare often learn social skills earlier and show increased language and other cognitive skills (NICHD Early Child Care Research Network, 2005).

As long as the daycare has a low employee turnover rate, low child to teacher ratios, and the teachers have adequate education and training, children can thrive.  Additionally, daycare does not negatively affect the attachment between parent and child.  However, the NICHD did find that parents who place children in daycare very early on may become less sensitive to the child after approximately 3 years, which means the parent may become less adept at reading the child’s signals and understanding his/her behavior.  Thus, it’s important for parents to ensure that if they use daycare as part of their village, they need to continue spending quality time with the child (which sounds obvious, but can be hard to do as busy families are just trying to get through each day!).  That doesn’t mean focusing all of one’s free time on the child.  It just means busy parents need to carve out time where they are engaged with the child, not merely in the same room with them. 

Finally, a daycare situation also provides routine and stability.  A child feels more secure with themselves when they know what’s going to happen next.  Thus, being in the same environment with the same routine might also be easier for a child to handle rather than different caregivers with possibly different routines, even if those caregivers are family.  And, in the end, caregivers in a good daycare will often end up feeling like part of one’s family anyway!”

Laura rightly suggests that you consider why you are working so very hard to avoid daycare. A good daycare - one with well-trained staff, low staff turnover, and low adult-to-child ratios, can be a wonderful environment for your child. Perhaps you've never stopped to consider why you aren't using daycare; perhaps, again, you have very good reasons for it. Still, it's always good practice to examine our assumptions once in a while, see how they match with our experience.

My tendency is to be very supportive of families who choose to keep childcare within the family. Still,  Laura is absolutely right: good daycare often does end up feeling like part of the family. I can't tell you how often I've been invited to childrens' birthday parties, or visiting family members have been brought around to "meet Mary". Many of my clients consider me part of their extended family, and treat me that way.  If you have an extended family who are tripping over themselves to spend time with your tot, though, perhaps you don't feel the need of adding any others.

Which brings us to your dilemma: too much TV, not enough other stimulation, the difficulty (even impossibility) of putting in eight hours AND caring properly for your daughter.

Here are some thoughts I came up with, off the top of my head:

- I note that your employer seems to be pretty flexible, given that you can work from home three of five days. Would it be possible to shift your hours, so that you can do part of your hours during naptime and the evening?

- How about dad?  Can he care for her for a couple of hours in the evening, or take care of her bedtime routines two or three evenings a week, giving you that extra bit of focussed work time?

- How about hiring someone to care for your daughter for the morning? (In your home, if that works, or elsewhere, or a half-day program at a nursery school.) Then you can work during naptime, giving you five or six hours worktime. You might even find that you can produce 8 hours worth of work in only 6 hours, if you're not trying to balance a toddler on your lap half the time!

- Can your daughter go to family care for a half-day the other three days?

What all these ideas have in common, obviously, is that they involve the support of others. Because, truly, it is very difficult to work full-time and care for a toddler full-time - at the same time!

How about it, WAHP's (that'd be 'P' for 'parent')? Any more input from all you out there? Any suggestions for Farah?

Hot Buttons -- Managing Parental Anger

Last week, I spoke with a woman who told me that when her son was born, she thought mothering was so easy, she couldn't imagine it ever being difficult.  Then her son turned 15 months and everything changed.  Instead of being cuddly and easy to please, he threw tantrums, became defiant, and even seemed to be deliberately pushing her buttons.  She felt enraged with him at times and found herself yelling at him far more than was normal for her easy-going temperament.

"He just makes me so MAD sometimes.  But it's not something I'm comfortable talking to other mothers about.  I'm not supposed to feel this way about my son."

Anger is an emotion all people feel, including parents.  The problem for parents, however, is that feeling angry at our children can drive us to behave in ways we'd rather not and/or make us guilt-ridden.  We may find ourselves screaming, "What is wrong with you?" Or, even if we don't scream or act angry towards our children, we may still have guilt for even feeling angry towards them.  For many of us, the ideal parent is one who loves, nurtures, and teaches, not someone who feels rage toward their child. 

Just as our children are going to be angry with us at times, so are we going to be angry with them.  Thus, similar to what Mary suggested in an earlier post, the question isn't "How do I stop being angry at my child," but rather, "How do I manage this normal and natural emotion?" 

Here's a process I suggest to get you started thinking about managing your own parental anger:

Step 1 -- Accept your anger.

When you accept your anger rather than denying it, or telling yourself you shouldn't feel it, you're apt to handle it far more effectively and/or alleviate guilt for even feeling it. 

Step 2 -- Know your hot buttons.

What behaviors send you over the edge?  Is it when your child laughs at you while telling her not to hit her sister?  How about when he ignores you? Or deliberately defies you?  How about when she whines or cries, or even hits you, because she didn't get her way? 

Make a list of your hot buttons.  Arrange them in order with the hottest buttons listed first.

Step 3 -- Understand your child will most likely perform these behaviors more than once.

We may become enraged when our child laughs in our face for the first time we tell her to stop hitting her sister, yet, when she does it again, we still have the same enraged response!  When we find a hot button, we need to accept that the likelihood of our children performing that behavior at least one more time is very high.  Knowing this means we're not taken by surprise in the future and allows for a more controlled emotional response, which leads to the next step.

Step 4 -- Visualize a controlled emotional response.

Instead of yelling, or slamming her bedroom door, imagine yourself picking up your laughing daughter, placing her gently in a chair in her room, and quietly closing the door.  Imagine how it might feel to respond this way.  You may still feel anger, but maybe it's a more calm and rational kind of anger.  Hold onto that feeling for a minute or two.  That's the feeling you want to conjure up the next time you find yourself in that particular anger-provoking situation. 

The idea here is that a "bottom-up event" is turned into a "top-down" event (Benson, 1996).  Bottom-up events occur in the environment and elicit an emotional response from the brain.  When our kid is doing something we don't like, we react emotionally to this bottom-up event.  Top-down events, on the other hand, occur in our minds rather than our environment.  The nice thing about these latter events is that we can consciously modify our emotional response to them.  This is especially helpful since many of our emotional responses to social situations occur before we've had time to consciously process them (Bargh & Williams, 2006). 

Turning that hot button behavior into a top-down event means practicing a controlled emotional response in our minds first, making it far easier to access that feeling when the real event actually occurs. 

Now, you may be wondering why you shouldn't just practice a "happy" response to the situation.  I think it's important for us to be realistic about our emotions and not pressure ourselves to never feel anger, which, if you're human, is nearly impossible anyway.  Plus, anger is a useful emotion because it signals to us that something we don't like is occurring.  Without it, our decision-making process might be just as impaired as when anger overtakes us (Damasio, 2005).  Thus, anger only becomes a "bad" emotion when we don't manage it effectively.

Finally, I want to point out that it's perfectly okay for your child to see you angry.  You can tell your child, "I'm very angry right now because you hit your sister."  Children need to know it's normal and natural to be angry.  But they also need to learn there's an effective way to express it, and modeling appropriate expressions is one way to teach that valuable lesson.   

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If you're interested in reading more about parental anger, I highly suggest one of the few books to cover this subject: Love and Anger - The Parental Dilemma, by Nancy Samalin (see our sidebar for a link).  Not only does this book provide some strategies to managing anger, just reading it can bring relief from guilt as it makes you feel like you're part of a very supportive group. 

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Bargh, J.A., and Williams, E.L. (2006).  The Automaticity of Social Life.  Current Directions in Psychological Science, 15, 1-4.

Q&A -- Social Anxiety in a 3-year-old

Julie recently sent us this question:

Is it possible for a 3-year-old to have social anxiety?

My son turned 3 on August 12.  He does not like to play with other children.  I understand the concept of "parallel play," but I don't think this is a case of "he's just content to parallel play with kids."

When we get ready to go to the park, he says, "I hope there aren't any other kids there."  When I ask him why he doesn't want there to be other kids there for him to play with, he says either "The kids don't like me," or "I don't like kids."

This summer, I tried to take him to Bible School.  On the ride over, he kept saying, "I'm so excited to go to school."  He completely understood that there would be a teacher there and he said, "I know I have to listen to the teacher."  He then asked if there would be kids there.  When I said, "yes," his whole expression changed, like he was terrified of the thought that there would be other kids there. 

The minute we got to the registration table, he was completely overwhelmed and had a major meltdown.  I took him to the room for the 3-year-olds and introduced him to the teacher and tried to get him to sit on the rug with the other kids.  My son ran out of the room crying and didn't want anything to do with the teacher or the kids.  I told him I would stay with him, but he kept saying, "let's just go, Mama.  I don't want to stay here."  He wouldn't even sit on my lap with me on the rug while the teacher started the lesson.  He is registered to start preschool this fall, and I know that the scene above is destined to be replayed if I don't figure out how to handle his "anxiety."

Also, you should know by way of background that I'm working mom.  For two and half years, my son attended an in-home daycare situation where there were other kids for him to play with.  He was generally fine going there.  Occasionally, he'd have phases of separation anxiety, but nothing I ever thought was abnormal.  I had another baby last fall, so for the last 6 months, we've had a nanny.  He does not have the day-to-day interaction with other kids his age, but we do spend time with kids in the neighborhood, and he goes to the library, the pool, the park, etc., where there are other kids, but he never wants to interact with them.

Julie, there isn't a whole lot of literature on social phobia in young children.  What I can tell you, though, is that it's very common for preschoolers aged 3 to 5 to exhibit anxiety, especially social anxiety (Spence, Rapee, McDonald, & Ingram, 2001).  And, a child with a shy temperament is more likely to have more social fears than kids who are more active and extroverted (Lieberman, 1993).  Temperamentally shy children tend to be highly sensitive to stimulation, they require time to gradually adapt to change, and they usually try to avoid anxiety-inducing situations. 

What's interesting is that your son worries about interacting with other kids prior to their even being present.  This worry and his comment that "kids don't like me" suggest he may be concerned about being judged by them. Being judged is a major fear for people diagnosed with Social Phobia, an anxiety disorder that typically emerges during the mid-teen years but can emerge in early childhood.  BUT -- being judged is also the reason behind social fears in older preschoolers, generally aged 4 to 5 years (Spence, et al., 2001).  Also, children suffering from SP typically have the capacity for social relationships with familiar people of all age groups and only fear strangers -- but again, from all age groups.  In fact, playing with other kids is a social situation children diagnosed with SP usually don't fear (Chandler).  So, it's also interesting that your son was excited to meet his teacher for the first time and was only distressed at the thought of meeting his peers. 

(Obviously, I don't know whether or not your son has a shy temperament or Social Phobia, but I thought information regarding both might be useful to you.)

Now, having said all that, to help your son with his transition to preschool, I suggest providing him with gradual exposure to peer social situations before school begins.  Gradual exposure is not only helpful for temperamentally shy children, it's also a very common and highly effective behavioral treatment for people experiencing phobias. 

You could start the exposure by inviting a neighborhood child (or, even better, a child he'll be attending preschool with) and his or her parent over for a play-date.  Tell your son in advance of the play-date.  If he expresses worry, try to talk with him about it without pressuring him.  Also, don't tell him there isn't anything to be worried about.  Instead, just listen to him and tell him that the two of you will work through his concerns together.  You can say something along the lines of, "I don't know what's going to happen during the play-date, but why don't we just see what happens, and if you feel uncomfortable, I will be here the entire time and we can talk about it."  You want to validate his feelings while providing reassurance.

Have someone else watch your baby so you can give your son your full attention and support while he's experiencing this possible anxiety-inducing situation.  You may also want to have your husband there to entertain the visiting parent if necessary.  When the child and parent arrive, have toys available so the visiting child can begin playing.  Suggest to your son that he play with the toys as well but don't suggest he play with the child.  If he refuses the toys, tell him it's okay, he doesn't have to.  But try keep him in the same room as the visiting child.  If the stress proves to be too much for him, give him time to calm down and talk through his concerns a bit, but then tell him you need to visit with the guests.  Give him the option to play by himself in the other room or visit.  Giving him this option shows support and provides quiet encouragement since he may want to be near you.  If your son opts to stay near you and watch the other child with the toys, this is good.  Watching is actually considered another type of play in and of itself and is referred to as onlooker play. 

As the visit continues, see if your son's anxiousness dissipates at all before your guests leave. Then, a day or two later, try another play-date with the same child, if possible. 

From there, you can try taking him to the park where there are more kids.  Again, have someone else watch your baby, so you can provide your son with your full attention and support.  If he chooses to only watch the other kids play, as I said earlier, this is good and normal.  He just may not be ready to engage in associative play (wherein two or more kids interact together).  Again, observe his anxiousness level before arriving at that park and see if it dissipates prior to leaving it.

In all these situations, document his behavior so you can see if there's any improvement.  You may find that with each exposure, it takes less time for his anxiety to dissipate.

This gradual exposure may show him that other children aren't scary, which will help him when he starts preschool.  Also, before school starts, talk to his teacher about his situation so s/he can provide your son support as he makes the transition.  He will most likely still have a meltdown when he starts school, but having the gradual exposure first may lesson the occurrence of those meltdowns. 

If, however, you feel your son's response to these situations is extreme (absolutely refusing to go to go to the park, or school every single time), then you may want to have a child psychologist evaluate him.  Behavioral interventions with phobias are highly successful -- especially with children. 

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Spence, S.H., Rapee, R., McDonald, C., Ingram, M. (2001).  The structure of anxiety symptoms among preschoolers.  Behavior Research and Therapy, 39, 1293-1316.

When Your Toddler Hits

Amy and Kristina both ask about toddlers who aggress. Kristina wants her 16-month-old to stop biting/kicking/scratching against family members, before he does this to someone else. Amy, whose twins are 17 months, has tried a number of techniques, doesn’t want to resort to spanking, and isn’t sure how to get her tots to stop “lashing out” when frustrated and angry.

(Much of this is taken from a post I wrote last year  on my other blog, It's Not All Mary Poppins. The post can be found here. )

As a parent, accept your response to the aggression. If you're feeling anger because someone has just  hit you, it's more than likely appropriate and justified. The question is not, "How do I not be angry?" but rather, "How do I respond constructively to this situation"? You are, after all, in exactly the situation your child is in. He or she is angry, and so has lashed out. You are angry. You, however, choose not to lash out. It is all right to be angry, but anger does not excuse belittling, intimidating, or frightening your child. You choose to react in a different way, and thus teach your child a different way. 

Don't be afraid to let your child know you are angry! Use it as a teaching moment. You are not trying to frighten or browbeat the child into submission. You are trying to express anger constructively, so your child will know how it's managed!

All right. So you've accepted the fact that being hit makes you angry. (Assuming it does. You may have other responses to it, but anger is the one which seems to cause parents the most guilt.) What do you do now?

1. Stop the physical aggression immediately. If your child has hit you, don't let him/her hit you repeatedly. Grip their wrist firmly, and say with equal firmness, "No hitting. You do not hit me. You can be angry, but you may not hit." (With a verbally capable child, this might be the time to encourage speech. "When we're angry, we don't hit. We talk. Tell me what's wrong." However, if the child merely struggles to be free so that they can wallop you again, save the debrief till the emotions have receded and internal order is restored.)

2. Expect compliance. Do not let go of the wrist until you can feel the tension leave the child. If you misjudge, and they swing at you again when you let go, repeat the step above, and hold longer. Wait for him/her to relax. Repeat your words: "It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit. No hitting." If you haven't done this before, you may have to explain: "I won't let go until you put your hand down." You keep this up for as long as it takes. Be gentle, be firm, but be unyielding.

The message needs to be crystal clear: you will NOT allow yourself to be hit. Period.

3. When they begin to relax, praise/encourage them. "That's better. I knew you could do it!" Put lots of genuine happiness in your voice. Be VERY proud. Release them gently. I have a catch-phrase that I use in these situations, whether the child has aggressed against me or another child: "Remember, hands are not for hitting, hands are for hugging."

4. When the child is no longer coiled to strike, praise them again. Give - and receive - a hug with the child. This is not "letting them away with it".  They need to know it's all right to be angry, that they can be angry, they can express it in other ways, and that they're still love-able, even if they experience anger. (Just as you are still a good parent, even if you experience anger. Experience, as distinct from 'acting out' in anger.)

Repeat the key concept yet again as you cuddle them. "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit."

5. Quickly move on to the next thing. "All right. Let's have a snack now." (Or read a story, or get out the playdough, or whatever.) Caution: the child is probably still a little emotionally wrought up: do not phrase this as a choice. Do not ask them "Would you like to...?" It's highly unlikely that they can deal with the challenge of a decision just yet. Simply make a firmly cheerful suggestion.

The kids in my care soon grow so accustomed to the catch-phrase, that I can use it as a reminder when I see someone building up to deliver a smack. I'll call out in a cautioning tone, "Uh-oh, Felicity. Watch that hand! Remember, hands are for hugging." It usually suffices. Or, I get the children to finish the sentence for me. "Brandon? What are hands for? Hands are for..." and the children generally chime right in "...hugging!"

Remember, mom and dad, that just as your child has the right to expect you to treat them respectfully, you have the right to be treated respectfully by your child. If this is your consistent response, you will greatly reduce or even entirely eliminate hitting in a matter of weeks.

Q&A -- My Inattentive Toddler

Shiso Mama recently sent us this question:

I've been working hard to encourage independent play, and would like to exercise more benign neglect with my 16-month old.  He's free to explore most of the house, he has toys within reach, and he has cabinets to dig through in the kitchen while I cook.  We have not purchased a lot of toys, opting for blocks and other wooden toys, books, and various props that we encourage him to "pretend" with like old telephones.

He seems to be doing okay for the most part, but I've been noticing that his attention span is short (not surprising) and he spends little time really playing with any of his toys.  For example, I just can't get him interested in his blocks.  Sometimes, he seems to get frustrated easily, but he's too impatient to have you help him.  But for the most part, he'll pick up a toy, interact very briefly, and then move on to the next object.  He's pretty active, and loves to run around, but sometimes it just seems like he's not interested in playing with real toys and only wants to explore.

Are we not providing the proper toys?  We're not interested in buying a lot of toys, especially of the noise-making or plastic variety, but could be persuaded to consider a few more if that were the proper solution.  We recently gave him a set of nesting bowls, and we were surprised to see him play with them for a solid 10 minutes, which he almost never does.  We did notice that when he couldn't fit them in the proper order, he got mad and yelled.  Is this kind of extended play a skill we need to teach him?  I guess we have generally encouraged exploration more than play up until now.

First, I don't blame you for not wanting to buy a bunch of plastic, noisy toys designed (most likely) by people who don't have kids!  Second, there's actually a lot going on with this question, so I'm going to break things down a bit.

Sustained Attention in Toddlers

As you say, it's not surprising your son's attention span is very short.  The literature on this topic doesn't provide actual estimates for how long a 16-month old should be able to sustain attention on a given object because it really depends upon the toddler.  But I will tell you that studies examining this question only provide their toddler subjects with 3 - 5 minute problem solving tasks, like nested bowls (Choudhury & Gorman, 2000; Ruff, Lawson, Parrinello, & Weissberg, 1990).  So, the fact your son was able to sustain attention for a solid ten minutes on those bowls is great! 

It should also be noted that sustained attention is linked to one's ability to inhibit physical activity or impulse control (Ruff, et al., 1990)  Inhibition requires maturation of the brain's frontal lobes, which a toddler is only beginning to undergo (Eliot, 1999).  If, on top of this lack of inhibition, your toddler has an active temperament, which it sounds like he has, then I especially wouldn't expect him to want to play with toys requiring him to be sedentary for very long! 

Active Toys for Active Toddlers

It sounds like you've done a nice job providing your son with a child-friendly house for him to explore on his own.  This is exactly what an active toddler (or any toddler, for that matter) needs. 

However, you might also consider getting him one or two mobile toys.  Push-toys, especially silent ones with containers attached, like lawnmowers (I'm thinking of one in particular, but I can't find the link!), are great for active toddlers.  After pushing it around the house for a while, he might pick up those neglected blocks and put them in the lawnmower and deliver them to another location in the house.  Or, he might just push them around for another 420 million laps.  As he gets older, he'll become more interested in actually building with those blocks, but right now pushing them around might be just the thing to keep him engaged in extended play.

Explore First, Play Later!

That's not to say, however, that exploring itself, moving from location to location and item to item, is unimportant or should be discouraged.  Exploring actually precedes play and is necessary for gathering information about the environment and the objects in it (Berger, K.S., 2005).  At some point, he'll be less interested in exploring the house and all its objects (been there! done that!) and begin to single out items to play with for extended periods.  (Keeping in mind, of course, that the extended period will still be quite short!)  But right now he's also probably delighting in the mastery of his motor skills.

Emotion Coaching Helps Problem Solving

As toddlers engage in more problem solving tasks, like the nested bowls, they can feel very frustrated with the process.  They're impatient because something isn't working, but they don't want help.  Times like this are actually a great opportunity to help children begin the process of understanding and managing their own emotions. 

When your son cries out in frustration, label that emotion for him.  You can get down to his level and say, "Frustrated?  You feel frustrated, don't you?"  By doing this, you not only provide a simple label for a complex feeling, but you also demonstrate empathy.  And even if he's not very verbal yet, after a few times, he'll make the association between his feeling and the word "frustration."  You'll find, after a little time, that just saying the label will have a soothing effect, enabling him to recover from the incident much more quickly.  The idea here is that the label engages the language center located in the brain's left lobe, which is also the center of logic.  This may help the child to focus and become more calm, enabling better problem solving (Gottman, 1997)!

Offering Help to the Independent Toddler

Finally, as your son recovers from feeling frustrated, ask him, "Help?  Do you want help?"  He may shake his head, or he may actually want you to help him.  If it's the latter situation, then give him words he can use (even if he's not yet talking), "Say, 'Help, please!'"  Then proceed to help him with his task.

When you first start emotion coaching and offering help, your son may just cry and be resistant.  This is totally normal.  Just keep at it!  As the association between the label and his feeling is made, he'll feel better knowing mommy understands him.  (Obviously, he won't understand this conceptually, but that will be his experience!)    

------------

Berger, K.S. (2005).  The Developing Person Through the Life Span.  New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

Choudhury, N. and Gorman, K.S. (2000).  The relationship between sustained attention and cognitive performance in 17-24-month old toddlers.  Infant and Child Development, 9, 127-146.

Gottman, J. (1997).  Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child.  New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Ruff, H.A., Lawson, K.R., Parinnello, R., and Weissberg, R.  (1999).  Long-term stability of individual differences in sustained attention in the early years.  Child Development, 61, 60-75.

A Sticky Social Situation

We received a question from  Meredith, asking "how do you teach preschoolers to be polite to others while still giving them the freedom of not being friends with children whom they don't like?"

On the surface, this question is straightforward, but as any parent knows, it’s not really. On the surface, you may say, “If she doesn’t like little Suzie, she doesn’t always have to play with her, just so long as she’s polite about it.”

It’s more complicated than that, for a bunch of reasons:

- kids are generally too straightforward for polite evasions and will just blurt out something unacceptably blunt;
- the children being rejected may not get it, and will persist, forcing a stronger response;
- you may like the other child, and want to encourage your child to be friends;
- even when you agree with your child’s feelings about the other child, you may like the child’s parent, and not want to insult your friend by supporting your child;
- you don’t want to create social upheaval in the tot lot;
- you are afraid of the other parents’ reaction
- anger, resentment, hurt;
- you may value extroversion, and see unwillingness to make friends as a weakness in your child;
-  you want to protect your child from the stigma of being labelled negatively (unfriendly, over-sensitive, socially backward, etc);
- you want to protect yourself from the stigma of being the mother of that negatively-labelled child.

I’m sure there are more. Phew! Suddenly, this is very complicated!

From the child’s perspective, it’s simple.  “Go away. I don’t want to play with you.” The other child goes away. There! Problem solved.

For the adult, there are many more layers of action and reaction. Not all of these are relevant to your child. How the other parents will view you based on your child’s behaviour, for example, is your issue, not your child’s. Try to be clear on what is motivating your response. Is it concern for your child’s social development, or are you personally fearful or embarrassed? Once you have sorted that out, you can deal with your child’s behaviour. 

In fact, the child in the story did very well.  On this occasion, she had had enough of the other child, and told her "I need a break from you."

You know what?  That was a really good way to handle it. Now, an adult hears that phrase and knows it includes "you're getting on my nerves", but the little girl didn't say that. She spoke only of herself - "I need". That's very good.

The parents in the story found it a little harsh, though, and when the other child persisted and their daughter followed up with "Go swim in the pool", they were even more concerned. Again, given that the children in question are no more than four years old (possibly less, I'm not entirely sure), they're doing very well. The little girl was clear about her needs, and then offered another possible activity to the child she didn't want to play with. The other child, apparently, took it on the chin and toddled off. Clear communication; conflict avoided. The kids did well!

It is not wrong for a child to state their needs. "I need a break from you", while not the most tactful thing she could have said, is not, for a three-year-old, rude. It is a clear and factual expression of her needs at that moment.  Sometimes, no matter how sensitive we are, the other guy will be offended by our expression of our needs. That does not mean we have been rude! We need not to project this social skittishness upon our children.

When the child went one step further and told the other girl to "go swim in the pool", she was awfully close to the polite-rude line, and may have crossed it, just a bit.  Certainly, she might be accused (by the other child's mother, most likely) of being bossy. Or you could say that she was applying necessary force. For me, it's a tough call. Again, I see this as an issue of tact, not a huge violation of manners.

Still, for parental comfort and your child's ongoing social development, you will want to teach them more tactful ways of dealing with this situation, as it's a very common one.

Firstly, there are times when you just have to make nice to someone you don't particularly like. We all do. It's a necessary social skill.  So, if you think she can cope without WWIII breaking out, you may expect her to play with the other child for at least a few minutes. (Not if the child is physically aggressive or deliberately hurtful. There are times to protect our children from abuse. But even a socially gawky other-person's child needs some lovin', too - and some social practice!)

Do some pre-planning. "When we go to the pool, Annoying Child might be there. Would you enjoy playing with her?"  You might be surprised by the answer. Kids can enjoy playing with someone with whom they mostly squabble. Sigh.

Part of the pre-planning is to give the child useful social phrases. "I would like to play by myself right now."  "I would like to be with just my mummy/daddy right now."  "I'm ready to go home now."

Practice these at home. Pretend to be the other child, and let your child use the phrase until she knows when to use it and can say it comfortably.

Obviously, these solutions are for a child who can speak well.  If they haven't the words for such exchanges, they are probably playing much closer to a parent's foot -- and immediate adult assistance!

One last word on the issue of politeness: Being polite does not mean the other person will always be happy with you. Sometimes, no matter how polite you are, the other person will be disappointed, or annoyed, or even hurt. Good manners show respect to the other party; they show that you are trying to treat them with kindness and consideration. After that, the other person's response is their responsibility. And, we hope, they treat you with the same good manners you treat them!

So maybe what it does boil down to after all is where we started:  “If she doesn’t like little Suzie, she doesn’t always have to play with her, just so long as she’s polite about it.”

True Grit #1: A Pissy Situation

Mary and I received a question from one of our readers that's inspired us to start a new series here at PiP: "True Grit."  This is a series featuring your stories of non-PC, creative, unconventional, and effective parenting techniques.  Most likely, these are techniques you wouldn't openly discuss at Mom's Group for fear of outraged gasps and disapproving looks.  But they are techniques that worked for you and your child.  Here at PiP, we want to hear about these techniques and share them with the rest of the village because sometimes parenting requires true grit.

[It should be noted that techniques considered abusive will NOT be included.  And stories of spanking or any other form of hitting (though it is considered non-PC these days) will also NOT be included because spanking is [yawn] conventional and has been used since man walked the earth.]

So, to start off our new series, we present you with following story sent in by Anonymous:

My 3 1/2 year-old son has been fully potty-trained for nearly a year.  However, lately he's taken to peeing in the house on my good rugs in retaliation for being told to do something he doesn't want to do, like clean up his room. 

The first time he did it, I made him clean it up and sent him to his room for a few minutes.  A couple of days later, he did again.  I was upset the first time he did it, but the second time, I was livid.  I can't have him ruining my rugs just because he doesn't want to do what he's told.  So I did something I've never done before.  I told him if he ever peed anywhere in the house again besides the potty because he was mad at me for telling him to do something, I would pee in his bed. 

He was completely mortified. 

I've used the "how would you like it if someone (or I) did that to you" thing before, but I never really feel like he gets it.  This time, however, he got it.  He knew immediately how it would feel to have me pee in his territory. 

When I told my husband what happened later that night, he was a bit shocked because we've always said we would never say things to our kids we don't mean.  But here's the thing: I DID mean it.  I was so angry at him, I was ready to walk over to his bed right then and there and pee on it.  But, obviously, I didn't.

So here's my question: Is what I did wrong?  Part of me thinks I should feel bad or guilty for what I said to him, but another part of me thinks it was the right thing to do.  And since it's been a couple of weeks and we haven't had anymore peeing incidents, I'm more and more convinced it was the right thing to do.

What do you think?

Wrong?  No.  Unconventional and effective?  Yes! 

Your words allowed him to experience the anguish you were feeling.  You gave him that experience without harming his body, actually peeing in his bed (which I'm pleased you didn't do!), or calling him names and demeaning his character.  And if, as you say, you've never said anything like this to him before, then it also isn't emotionally abusive.  Sometimes, to get the point across, we need to say something a bit shocking.

Thanks, Anonymous, for sharing your True Grit with us!

[To share your gritty parenting stories, please email us at [email protected]!]