Q&A: Are We Putting Our Baby Out?

[It's Saturday, but here's this week's Friday Q&A.  Better late than never!]

Joanna sent us this question:

We have an 11 1/2 month-old who we've been rocking to sleep for naps twice a day and at bedtime for the past 9 months or so.  She now would rather not take the time to lay in our laps except to take her bottle before sleeping.  Now, she wants down to go play (she indicates this by wiggling around, etc.).  I have been holding her at nap and bedtime for the bottle feeding, but when she finishes, I lay her in her crib.  Now, of course, she cries but no longer than 6-7 minutes.  My husband says this is cruel and unkind, and he feels like we're "putting our baby out."  When he says this, I feel like he's right, and I should run and pick her up.  But a big part of me says, "you have to do this to train her to fall asleep on her own."  I have also changed her bedtime routine so that after she finishes her bottle, I read her a book and then lay her down. 

I have a 7-year-old who I rocked religiously for almost 3 years at bedtime, and I don't want our baby to be the same way.  Am I right or is my husband?  Are we putting our baby out when we do this?

I'm not sure what you mean by "putting our baby out," but if you mean that you're being cruel and unkind to her, then I have to say no, you're not being cruel and unkind.  She's probably crying because she wants to play and be with you, yet it's obvious she's tired because she's only crying for 6-7 minutes.  I know it's unpleasant to hear her cry, but it doesn't sound like she's crying because she's scared.  It sounds like she's crying because she's not getting what she wants (to play with you).  Instead, she's getting what she needs: sleep. 

Think of it this way: when you're trying to feed your child broccoli and she cries because she wants a cookie instead, do you give her the cookie and not give her the broccoli so you don't have to hear her cry?  I would guess (and hope!) that you don't because you know she needs the broccoli and she's just crying because she wants the cookie.  What we want is not always what we need, and that will cause us to protest.

Children need sleep, and they need to learn to sleep on their own because they'll have to do it eventually anyway.  We may think we'll help them for several years to fall asleep and then they'll somehow magically learn to do it on their own, but it often doesn't happen that way.  When you have a long-standing routine with a child (or even an adult -- I can't sleep when my husband is out of town!), it is almost always difficult to wean them from it.  That's why child development specialists (at least the one's I have spoken to) suggest weaning children from bottles and pacifiers before 18 months.  After that age, they're so much more aware, and the weaning process can be far more difficult on them than when they were younger. 

Alternatively, if you don't want to rock her to sleep for two more years, but you also don't want to hear her cry at all, then have your husband rock her!

Comments

[Meg]

Interesting, this part: "...suggest weaning children from bottles and pacifiers before 18 months. After that age, they're so much more aware, and the weaning process can be far more difficult on them than when they were younger..." because this actually applies to potty training as well, otherwise known as "weaning from the diaper!" In our current culture, potty training has become "don't even think about potty training until 2 or 3 yrs old." This misinformation has sadly become accepted. But wow, before 18 months, if you introduce the potty at strategic times like upon waking and after eating (even quite early on, as early as 0-6 months, as long as it's always non-coercive, gentle, and matter-of-fact), it's amazing how much easier potty training becomes for both child and parent.

Which leads me to how I find it fascinating that parenting advice in our culture is so inconsistent, typically based on what is seemingly most convenient for the parent (which I'm somewhat sympathetic to) and not necessarily based on what is most physically & emotionally healthy for the child, the parent, or their relationship (to which I am more sympathetic).

The irony is that often what is often the most physically & emotionally healthy for the child is also pretty darn healthy (again, both physically & emotionally) for the parents. And oh yeah, good for the parent-child relationship.

Thanks for the post - love stumbling onto good tidbits of info that help connect the dots even further!

[Mary P]

I had a Chinese client a couple of years back who had her son on the potty well before a year old. (Standard practice for her culture.) He wasn't fully potty-trained (by which I mean able to stay dry and clean quite independent of adult assistance) until 2.5 or thereabouts, but they never had any power stuggles over it, probably because sitting on the potty was just something he did, like eating or getting dressed.

Hmmm... Except that LOTS of toddlers love to make power struggles over getting dressed and eating, and a dozen other perfectly normal, everyday things. (This tot was an easy-going little man, on just about every front.)

I see no harm in early potty training, though children haven't the physical ability to control those muscles until about 18 months or so. However, I see no great benefit in it, either. This is an example of people choosing to do what feels right for them. As long as the training is, as you say, gentle and non-coercive, there is no right or wrong time to begin.

Is parenting advice inconsistent, I wonder, or is it simply that there are so many different sources for advice in our culture, sources which don't agree with each other, and which each insist on being "the right way"?

[Meg]

"Is parenting advice inconsistent, I wonder, or is it simply that there are so many different sources for advice in our culture, sources which don't agree with each other, and which each insist on being 'the right way'?"

Excellent point to ponder - is it the information? the delivery? the combo of the two? It's such a complex web of information for parents to untangle. Sometimes that's exciting, but sometimes it's irritating. I do feel lucky, though, for being a parent with the internet at hand (and blogs like this one) where it's possible to learn about a wide variety of approaches in a short period of time (go PiP and other parenting blogs, sites, lists, etc!).

As parents, we receive info & opinions, both asked for and unsolicited, from professionals (like pediatricians, child psychologists, teachers, etc.), friends & family, both IRL and virtually. When we choose to rely on another's opinion (which is inevitable at some point, for most of us!), we hope that we've chosen to listen to someone who is giving us legitimate info either backed by evidence-based (well-performed) research or by solid personal experience.

And don't forget the natural flow of "new" information:
* well-performed new research studies (which often take time to trickle down into our cultural consciousness)
* resurrection of older parenting approaches that, though previously abandoned, have been found to actually be more healthy than current cultural habits (again, this transformation is slow - look at the last 100 yrs history of formula vs breastfeeding as a good example)

At any rate, there is a lot of stuff to wade through, a ton of interesting approaches to discover & try on for size. And the one sure thing is that there is definitely no one-size-fits-all parenting silver bullet. :) "The right way" is different for each parent-child pair.

PiP rocks because it presents multiple angles in the posts & the comments. :)

P.S. - But the "children haven't the physical ability to control those muscles until about 18 months or so" part? No *good* studies show that to be the case (not a lot of money in it, so hard to get funding for something like that). The "18 months" age cut off for sphincter control is pure cultural myth, accepted as fact in our culture (though well disproven in other parts of the world) and perpetuated lovingly by disposible diaper companies who benefit handsomely from customers who maintain such beliefs. :) It's only when we diaper our babies full-time from 0-18, 24, 30, 36 months (essentially diaper-training them, and I do NOT mean that in a negative way at all - did it w/ my first baby!) that our babies get out of touch with those sensations & muscles, essentially losing the "physical ability to control those muscles" until they're older. But the irony is: "After that age [18 months], they're so much more aware, and the weaning process [from the diaper or *insert any habit here*] can be far more difficult on them than when they were younger..." http://whatisec.com/

:)