Partners in Parenting

Biting

We recently received questions from Priya and Tertia about biting.  Biting is every parents nightmare.  We don't want our kids to be known as "the biter."  We don't want our kids to hurt others.  And we certainly don't want our kids getting kicked out of school or daycare for biting.  So what do we do?

Well, before Mary answers that question for us, let's first take a look at why children bite (Davis & Keyser, 1997; see the book in our sidebar!):

1)  Anger -- some kids hit when angry, others bite.

2)  Feeling out of control -- biting can offer temporary relief from such an uncomfortable feeling.

3)  Limited verbal abilities -- the child may want to express his anger or frustration, but simply doesn't have the vocabulary to do so.

4)  Communication -- maybe even if they do have the verbal skills, they may find biting to be a more efficient way to communicate, "Get out of my way!"

5)  Teething pain -- the pain in their gums may create the impetus to bite as a way to offer relief.

6)  Imitation -- the scary thing about biting is that it can sometimes run rampant in schools or daycare settings.  When one child does it, all the children may start imitating him or her!  They may also imitate it as a way to explore how it feels to bite another person.

7)  Experimentation -- they may want to know what happens when they bite.  In particular, they may want to know how their peers versus their parents react to it.

8)  Tension release -- again, biting may offer some feeling of relief.

9)  Attention -- if a child bites someone, that child is certainly going to get attention from one person, if not more!

10) Power -- it can feel powerful to bite.  It sends a message to the bite-ee that the biter is dominant, and, because people respond so quickly, that powerful feeling is enhanced because the biter's action made all those other people react.

11) Impulse -- sometimes, kids don't even want to bite another person.  They just need to bite.  Did you ever bite your pencils when you were in kindergarten?  I did!

So now we know why kids bite.  Mary, tell the people what they can do!

Knowing the why's doesn't help when you have a child who's taking chunks out of their family and friends. You can't tolerate repeated bitings while you wait for the child to outgrow these factors. That can take weeks or even months! What do you do in the meantime?

1. As far as possible, keep your child out of situations that are likely to lead to a bite. When you see the frustration rising, intervene. Help her identify and communicate her feelings. If the frustration is too great for calm intervention, remove her from the situation. The debrief can come later, when she's calm enough.

2. Should a bite occur:

a) Give the injured child copious amounts of sympathetic attention, first, before you even so much as look at the biter. (What to do with Mr. Teeth in the meantime? You keep him right beside you, with your arm around him. But you're not looking at him, and you're not talking to him. If he can't/won't stand with you, he goes to a time out, preferably where he can see and hear your interactions with the injured child.) We don't want to reward the biter with huge amounts of attention - and remember, to a toddler, attention is attention. Even if they're being scolded, that's attention.

b) Part of what you say to the victim is intended for the aggressor, but you don't make that clear. As you give the other child a hug and maybe kissed the bo-bo, you will say things like, "I bet that hurt, didn't it? I bet it makes you sad when your friend hurts you. Mr. Teeth must have been upset, but that doesn't mean he can bite.  He needs to learn to use his words, not his teeth.  Don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Teeth will soon learn to Use His Words."

(Yes, it's preachy, but subtle doesn't get you far with toddlers.)

c) If the skin has been broken, it will be necessary to wash and disinfect the wound.  If she's calm enough, the aggressor can watch this, again, while being completely ignored; if she's still too upset, she can go to time out.

3. Once the victim has had a few minutes of consoling attention, they can be sent to play. The biter now gets your attention. Hopefully, by now they're somewhat calmer, and they've also seen that biting doesn't get them lots of intense, immediate attention.

I generally kneel in front of the child, make firm eye contact, and act tremendously shocked and dismayed. "I can't believe a nice little boy like you would bite someone! You're not a wild animal, you're a little boy. It's okay to be upset, but people don't bite. When you're upset, you use your words."  Now, I'm not angry, mind you, I'm just very, very shocked.

I give the child a few seconds to absorb my utter dismay, then I relax, smile, and draw the child into a warm hug. "I'll bet you're sad you hurt your friend. I'll bet next time you'll use your words, right?"

This generally gets a nod. Should there be another incident, the follow-up would have more dismay and less comforting in it, and a longer, more deliberately punitive time out.

The theatrics go a long way to teaching and preventing further episodes -- the empathy with the injured child; the shock, dismay, then the warm reassurance of the aggressor. Is it manipulative? I don't think so. Small children are still learning the emotional ropes of life. I am simplifying and exaggerating my response, but the response is real. Biting is a shocking thing to do. (Imagine another adult biting you, and test your response.) It's so common as to be within normal behaviour patterns for a child under the age of three, but that doesn't make it acceptable.

This is the response I typically use, and generally the biting is eliminated within a month.

The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline

One thing I've noticed in my work with families is that many people don't know the difference between punishment and discipline.  I came across a very helpful table developed by Dreikurs, Grunwald, and Pepper (1971) that explains point-by-point the difference between the two:  Download difference_btwn_punishment_discipline.doc.

When you have a chance, take a look and let us know what you think!

My Sleep Story

[As part of our sleep series, we promised you we'd tell you our own sleep stories.  Here's mine:]

When the Tod-lar was about 4 1/2 months old, he decided naps were for babies and he'd outgrown the need for such time-wasters.  He had more important grown-up types of things to do with his day, like go to the mall strapped to daddy's chest, facing out and cooing at cute girls.  One day, while flirting with a young woman at Victoria's Secret as I shopped, he suddenly burst into hysterics.  At first, I couldn't tell if he was crying or laughing.  Then I realized he was actually doing both. 

"What's the matter?" Husband asked.

"I think it's because he's not getting enough sleep.  He's not napping anymore."

"But if he was tired, he'd go to sleep.  So maybe he's not tired."

If only it were that simple.  But I'm sure you've heard the line (or a variation of it) before, "When the baby's hungry, he'll eat, and when he's tired, he'll sleep."  The first part of this saying may be right, but the second half?  Not so right.

The time had come for the Tod-lar to be napping on an organized schedule, but I was unsure how to make that happen.  I didn't want to let him cry (even though before he was born, I told Husband I wouldn't be one of those mothers who won't let their baby cry, and then when he was born, and I heard him cry, I couldn't let him do it for even a second -- obviously, one should never say never, especially before the baby arrives), so I tried everything else that didn't involve crying.  I tried singing, massaging, shssshing, rocking, feeding, binking, sitting next to the crib, sitting farther away from the crib but in the same room, darkening the windows with tinfoil (the neighbors thought we'd turned our home into a crack-house), playing soothing music, playing soothing sounds, like running water and white noise -- you name it, I tried it (though I didn't try everything simultaneously).  Nothing put him to sleep, but everything kept him awake. 

All of these suggestions were taken from numerous books, articles, other mothers -- anywhere and everywhere one can imagine.  But, the one book I'd looked to for scheduling naps and learning signs of drowsiness was also the one book whose technique I was ignoring.  I could ignore it no longer.  The lack of sleep was making Tod-lar's behavior unbearable not just for us but for him as well.  Poor Tod-lar seemed to not even want to be in the same room with himself. 

Fortunately, Husband was between jobs and staying home when we finally realized we had to sleep train our little man.  We prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally.  We mapped out a plan of action:  We would tell him it was time for nap, put him down, and not return until an hour had passed.  However, we agreed that if his crying escalated to screaming bloody murder, then one of us would go in, tell him again it was time for sleep and rub his back briefly to calm him -- but this could only happen once during the hour. 

Five horrible days later, Tod-lar was napping twice a day, two hours at a time.  He went down without a peep and woke up smiling.  It was total hell, but it was worth it.  We were finally spending time with the "real" Tod-lar and not the on-the-verge-of-hysterics Tod-lar.  Since that time, he's had regressions, but with a day or two of sleep-training, he's back on track.  Now, at 3 years-old, he sleeps 12 hours at night (7-7) and 1 1/2 hours during the day.  Not bad for a kid who was not a "born sleeper!"

We also sleep-trained Bah-bie.  She proved to be far more tenacious and cried everyday for two weeks straight.  She's on the same sleep schedule as the Tod-lar now, only she's sleeps at least 2 hours during the day. 

With both children, we see no signs of trauma.  Husband and I, however, are suffering from PTSD. 

Baby Parenting Books

Susan sent us an email a while back asking about parenting books for babies.  She's interested in laying a good foundation for her six month-old daughter and would like some guidance dealing with sleep, independent play, and other issues.  However, she's noticed most books are geared towards toddlers, which leaves her wondering, "How do I handle these and other issues with a baby?" 

In my library, I have three books that I think are particularly helpful.  The first is Touchpoints, Birth to 3 by T. Berry Brazelton (links to this and other books are provided in our sidebar!).  According to Brazelton, touchpoints are those times just prior to a growth spurt in motor, cognitive, or emotional development when the child's behavior becomes most challenging (to say the least!).  He describes the behaviors parents are likely to see at these times, and he breaks them up into categories such as feeding, sleep, learning and play, etc.  I've turned to this book on numerous occasions and found his advice helpful and the descriptions of the behaviors comforting.  Development, after all, is not linear, and a book that honestly describes regressions or difficult behavior is a nice reminder that what you're seeing in your own child is normal.

The second book is Becoming the Parent You Want to Be -- A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser.  The first part of this book very nicely provides a framework from which to parent.  It realistically describes the struggles parents deal with and puts those struggles into positive perspectives, turning them into nine principles from which to interact with our children.  Additionally, this fairly comprehensive book gives brief overviews of a child's physical, emotional, and social development and provides great strategies for managing issues that arise in these areas.  This is definitely a must-have reference.

The third book I recommend is Positive Discipline: The First Three Years -- Laying the Foundation for Raising a Capable, Confident Child by Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy.  Unfortunately, I loaned this out to a friend who (ahem) has not yet returned it, so I'm going by pure memory here.  Like the others described above, this book also provides an overview of development and gives some insight into determining your own child's temperament.  As I recall, I found this book very helpful, but I remember not agreeing with all of it.  (Of course, that's actually the case with most parenting books.  Very rarely do I agree with everything.  I take what I perceive as useful and leave the rest!)  In any case, the friend I loaned it to claims it has helped her tremendously in dealing with her very active 2-year-old daughter!

There are, however, other books written for toddlers and older kids that I think every parent should read when their children are babies.  These include, Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program For Raising Responsible Children by Thomas Gordon and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Reading these books when your children are babies will get you into the habit of perceiving your kids as people with their own feelings and perspectives and teaches you how to speak with them as such while still implementing appropriate boundaries.  This is a perspective and a habit to begin as soon as possible!

What books do you recommend?

Nurturing?

MamaBear has a problem! This one's lengthy, but there was little I wanted to edit out of Mamabear's letter, and my response? Well, it needed to be said:

I work full time and my husband attends college full time. We found a very nice woman to take care of our  baby in her home for about 25 hours per week. Kikki, who is 8 months, has been in her care since late August. Everything is going well besides... sleeping. Or lack of it at the child care.

While she consistently sleeps 11 hours at night and takes 2 naps of length from 1 to 2 hours, she often skips naps at the day care or takes really short ones at odd times. Result is she falls asleep at the time when I pick her up, so I don't get to see her at all. She just stays asleep until the morning. Even if I try to awake her to eat her supper (drink a bottle), she'll only stay awake long enough to be changed and drink a couple of ounces.

I'm upset because some days I don't get to be with my baby at all, and I look forward to it all day. More importantly, I don't like her sleep and eating patters disrupted like that! It makes for an unpredictable moody baby next day. I've asked the childcare provider to write down her eating and sleeping times and I've been tracking closely. I think the root cause of her not sleeping is that the she is held to sleep in the child care provider's arms and if she even makes a peep in her crib, she is tended to and picked up.

I've tried talking to the babysitter about how we can get the baby to sleep better, and she admitted she can't listen to her cry so if she does, she will pick her up and she'd rather hold her to sleep. At first, she'd hold her to sleep each time, because she said that's what she did with her 3 daughters. We got her a portable crib and she's been putting Kikki to sleep there. It helped a little but she would take only 30-40 minutes naps.

My husband tried helping her to put Kikki to sleep. He stayed and they put her in her portable crib. She'd cry. The baby sitter tried running in every time she made a peep, my husband stopped her to see if she'd calm down right away on her own. Then if not, they'd go in and pat her belly, talk to her soothingly, put her pacifier back. After an hour my husband called me that she is not going to sleep, she is screaming at the top of her lungs unless you pick her up, and he's never seen her like this at home. She never gives us this much trouble. So they let it go and she ate at 11 and fell asleep at around noon but only for a half an hour again.

When I was picking her up at 5:30, she was dead tired. A couple of things he noticed is that it was louder in her house, either a phone would ring or her little dogs would bark. Her bedrooms are upstairs so she puts her to sleep in the downstairs open-space dining room. He suggested moving her to a quieter space with less light so they did move her to a shaded living room. Also, my husband suggested to her to make sure the baby gets a nap before her own daughters get home from school, because then they want to play with the baby and no more sleep.

When I talked to the baby sitter on the phone later, she said she felt so bad because she just wanted to "run in there and hold her" and she said that's just the way she is, her husband calls her the "natural nurturer." I let it go for now because she is otherwise wonderful with our baby and didn't want to add any more stress. It's still pretty new to all of us, only 2nd month she's been in her care (although she was in her care part-time once a week for 3 months prior to that).

I don't really want to instruct her to ignore the baby, we don't really do that either, and I don't want to de-sensitise her to baby cries. But on the other hand, I'm not ok with my baby not sleeping. I also noticed she's more flexible with baby's eating times, she'll feed her an hour earlier sometimes because she says the baby seems to be cranky and interprets it as being hungry. She rarely gets hungry earlier at home. I wonder if she's sleepy and it’s being misinterpreted as being hungry by the baby sitter? So what do I do, how do allow some flexibility  in the child care yet ensure baby gets her needed sleep before she's picked up?

Well, you do have a dilemma, but I'm not sure it's the one you think you have!

Let's see... we have a caregiver who gets a child who naps and eats well, a cheerful, interactive child, and within a matter of weeks, turns her into a screaming non-napper, sleep-deprived and irritable. A child who, instead of getting two or three treasured hours with mommy and daddy at the end of the day, can only drop with exhaustion the moment she gets home. Moreover, it seems that the caregiver is diligently training the child to misread her body's sleep and hunger cues. And she calls this nurturing?

Who, exactly, is being nurtured here? Not poor Kikki, who is now sleep-deprived and missing parental interaction because she makes up lost sleep when she could be playing with you. Not you, who has to deal with a cranky baby when she's awake, and are missing time you dearly treasure with your child.

So who's gaining in this scenario? Oh, I know! The caregiver. She's the only winner here. She is the only one whose needs are being met.  Not you, not your husband, and certainly not your child. She gets to cuddle a baby. All things take second place to this need of hers. Oh, and her children benefit, too. Instead of letting your baby have her afternoon nap, she lets her daughters 'nurture' the baby.

Speaking as a caregiver, I am shocked and offended. Her behaviour is detrimental to Kikki and unfair to you, and as such, grossly, grossly unprofessional.  To call it 'nurturing' only adds insult to injury, since it makes her out to be the truly loving one, whereas you and your husband are asking her to be less  'nurturing'. How crass! How uncaring! How selfish! How could you??

Even the caregiver's children get more time during the week with your baby than you do. Do I sound angry? I am. You are being treated badly. She is not doing one single thing to ensure your child get the sleep she craves, and yet you are being made to feel as if you are making harsh,  non-nurturing demands. (Why can't the baby sleep upstairs, in a dim and quiet environment? Does she not have a baby monitor?)

I am also afraid that there is probably no way out of this except to find another caregiver. I don't say this because I disapprove of her actions. I believe you when you say she's a lovely, loving, gentle-spirited woman. I think she's well-intentioned.  The problem is, she's created a situation in which your baby now associates sleeping with being held. In order for Kikki to get any reasonable amount of sleep in the caregiver's home, this association will have to be broken - which will almost certainly involve crying, possibly a LOT of crying, something the caregiver declares herself (and demonstrates herself to be) incapable of withstanding. In short, I don't think this caregiver, even if she were willing, is capable of solving the problem she has created. Which means that, left with this caregiver, Kikki will never get the sleep she needs. Never. Can you, in all good conscience, allow your poor child to continue long-term in her sleep deprivation, no matter how awkward it may be to find new care?

A new caregiver will start with a clean slate. Because Kikki has good habits with you, she will quickly regain them in a new environment. You haven't been with this caregiver long; Kikki will very quickly adjust to a new face in her life, particularly if the new face respects her need for quality sleep!

A True Grit Mommy in Training

This one is my story. Well, it's my daughter Emma's story.

Last week, Emma (13) agreed to sit for the "difficult" family on the block. The girl, 7, is very whiny and has the flounce of defiance practiced to snotty perfection; the boy, 4, is generally of a more cheerful disposition, but he's just as accustomed as his big sister to stone-walling his way into a position of power in the household.

Strangely, there aren't many teens in the neighbourhood who'll sit for them. Emma took them on because there's a particular blouse she wants to buy for herself. (Mum is done this season's shopping for her budding fashionista, whose wardrobe can NEVER be full enough!)

The evening had gone relatively smoothly until bedtime. Major balking began. Emma got Ms. Snark  into pyjamas and up to bed by dint of taking the we're-all-in-this-together approach of "parents are soooo unreasonable, but they said this was bedtime, so what can you do?" When the master manipulator realized she'd been out-manipulated, she did a bit of stomping and noisy flouncing about her room, which Emma staunchly ignored.

While Ms. Snark was expressing her outrage in her room, Little Dude was already in his PJ's awaiting his story.

Emma entered his room. His empty room. Hello? He was there a moment before, she knew it. A little bewildered, she calls him. "Lil Dude? Where are you?"

"I'm here, and you can't make me come out." His voice comes from the closet, a couple of inches ajar.

"I was going to read you your story now."

"I'm staying in the closet. You can't make me come out."

Where another sitter might have made for the closet and hauled him out bodily, Emma merely shrugs. "If you like. You can listen to your story from the closet, then." She sits herself down on the end of the bed and reads a couple of stories to the empty air, complete with references to pictures the boy cannot see. She's cheerful and nonchalant. Big Sister's thumpings and flouncings gradually die out. Lil Dude's closet door stays put.

"All right, Lil Dude. I'm leaving. I'm going to turn out the light now, so it'll be very dark in that closet."

Silence.

Click. The room is suddenly dim, lit only by the glow of the blue nightlight at the foot of his bed. It must be very dark in that closet. "Goodnight, Little Dude!" she chirps to the air. She pulls the door to his room shut, stands in the hall and waits. There's a scramble, a few footsteps, the creak of bedsprings. The boy is in bed. Ms. Snark seems to be asleep. All this without a single raised voice or threat. Emma heads downstairs to some well-earned snacks and TV time.

All this at just turned thirteen. She makes her mother proud, yes, she does.

Thumb-sucking

Katie has a concern:

My daughter, Anya, sucks her thumb. She is currently 5 months old, and has sucked since the week we brought her home from the hospital. I tried to fight it. My first daughter had no interest in it and, in fact, I can't remember her ever trying to suck her thumb. I don't like the idea of thumbsucking, but I have resigned myself to it, since Anya seems to soothe herself this way and it works for her. It actually works so well that she sleeps better than my first daughter ever did. She sucks until she's ready to fall asleep, then spits it out and lays on her hands.

So, how long can I expect this to last? Is there a point when I can do something to discourage it before she gets old enough to become really attached? If so, what would that something be? Or should I let it go until she decides she doesn't need it on her own? I don't want to give up the sleep that I'm getting, but I also don't want her to be walking around with her thumb in her mouth at 4 years old either.

It's hard to watch your child do something that really bothers you! Fear not, Mary is about to step in with words of reassurance and comfort.

First, your observations are quite correct: thumb-sucking is a comforting and relaxing past-time for a baby. Babies are born with a drive to suck. If it isn't satiatied through feeding (breast or bottle), they will look to other things to suck - their thumb, a toy, or a pacifier (soother).

At five months, you are a long, LONG way away from the time at which thumb-sucking becomes a concern. All experts agree that the concern is maladjustment of the teeth, and this doesn't become an issue till the permanent teeth start to arrive, at roughly 6 years.  Thus the American Dental Association gives 4 to 5 years as the cut-off, whereas the American Pediatric Association says you can wait till 6 - 8 years. Since the concern is dental, me, I'd go with the dentists!

If four years old causes you to shudder in horror, you can breathe easy: almost all children give it up naturally between two and three years of age. (Statistics I found said between 85 and 99%. Pretty good.) But perhaps you don't want to wait that long. If you simply can't stand your 21-month-old (or 18, or 10!) sucking her thumb, there are things you can do to eliminate the habit.

Some suggest you try substituting a pacifier. Although the effects of soothers and thumbs are similar, they are not identical. If a child presses up against the roof of the mouth with their thumb, this will have more of an impact over time than a soother, which has no leverage. Additionally, as the Canadian Dental Association notes, pacifiers have the undeniable advantage of being more readily removed from a child. A parent can pop the paci/soos out, and that's that. Short of amputation, the thumb is always available!

The other common approach is to paint the thumb with something that tastes bad. There are commercial preparations available, but parents have also used vinegar, mustard, pepper.

However, it is unlikely that any of this will be necessary for your baby. Right now she's found herself a very effective comfort mechanism, and everyone is loving all that great sleep they're getting! Focus on that, and know that it is highly likely that your daughter will give up the thumb on her own, well before she's three.

What to Look for in Daycare

A reader suggested that it might be useful to have some insider tips on what to look for in daycare. When your well of inspiration has run dry, it's wonderful to be given a topic!

I've taken some of the most popular bits of advice and added an insider's 'tip'  or perspective. In addition, I've added three interview questions that I feel are particulary important.

There are many resources for parents seeking childcare. Most governments (state and provincial) produce guidelines for parents. There are a gazillion websites. Community centres may have publications, or even offer workshops. Tip: The best information sources will offer you a comparison of the pros and cons of all childcare options: in-home care (nannies, au paires); small group home daycare; large daycare centres (for-profit, and non-profit); cooperative centres.

Of course you will visit the home or daycare centre before sending your child there, and you will have the nanny into your home. But what are you looking for, precisely?

- warm, welcoming staff. Whether it's a single care provider, or an entire staff, they should be warm, calming, respectful, and authoritative. ('Authoritative', meaning exuding calm authority, not bullying the tots into submission - that's 'authoritarian'.) They should be kind and loving to the children. Tip: Trust your gut. Do you instinctively warm to this person? You need to like your provider. Sometimes parents feel they are being 'irrational' when they take a strong, but seemingly groundless dislike to a person, but your gut feeling is an important indicator.

- staff who understand the development of a child. This may mean they have ECE or other education, but it needn't stop here. Some parents might not even consider leaving their child with someone who has no formal training. Others may prefer a woman with 15 years experience and no certificate over a 20-year-old with the certificate and 6 months' experience. Whatever her training, the caregiver should have overall understanding of child development; she should be aware of different approaches to common issues (sleeping, potty training, aggression, discipline, etc.), and be able to speak about them intelligently.

- a clean, welcoming environment. A note here: 'clean' and 'tidy' are not the same. There will almost certainly be toys strewn about; but the floors on which they are scattered should be clean. Tip: In fact, a too-pristine environment might mean that your child's play is being unduly restricted in the interests of tidiness. As one of my favourite child development gurus has stated, "a tidy home and a happy ten-month-old are mutually exclusive".

- toys appropriate to the age of the children in care. This does not mean there have to be hundreds of toys available at all times, indeed, toy shelves may appear a bit spartan. The important thing is that the toys are of good quality, developmentally appropriate, and safe for the age of the children in the room. In a larger centre, where big and little folk are tended in separate rooms, this is relatively straightforward. How does the home daycare lady keep the under-ones from ingesting the three-year-olds' puzzle pieces? Good caregivers will have a system!

Those are all basic. You can find this information anywhere. I have a further three points that apply particularly to home care, but are applicable to others.

1. Ask the caregiver how long children stay in her care. Optimally, you will hear that they stay from infancy to school age. I once led a network of childcare providers. One of the women in my area constantly complained how fickle parents were:  nobody stayed for longer than six months! Outrageous! I looked at her home and saw the untidy, litter-strewn front yard, her chain-smoking (in the house) husband, and her unruly, aggressive 9-year-old, and I was astonished anyone would sign on in the first place!

(The equivalent question to ask of a larger centre is how long the staff tends to stay. High staff turnover is a real problem for large centres, and it is probably the single most significant issue for young children, who need stability of care.)

2. Ask if you may drop in unannounced. The answer should be an unqualified 'yes'. No ifs, ands, or buts, parents should be welcome at any time. If she offers a restricted time frame (between a certain small window of time) or requires a phone call in advance, this should be a red flag. It may be benign, but it should cause you to consider carefully the reasons for the restrictions.

Now, your provider might appear less than thrilled at the thought of spontaneous droppings-in. Even if she's responding graciously, you may detect reluctance. In this case, it's not likely anything sinister. Her reluctance is almost certainly because, frankly, some parents are a pain to have underfoot. They may distract the children. They may disrupt the routines. They may even contradict you in front of the children. It is almost certain that the children will behave differently with a new adult around. In short, very often that extra adult around complicates things.

Of course, many parents are an utter delight - helpful, careful to follow your direction and stay within the patterns of the daycare, and to discuss any concerns privately. Thing is, you can never tell until they are in your home if they're of the helpful or the horrible variety.

However, helpful or total nuisance, the parent always has the right to free access to their child. "May I drop in now and then?" should be answered, "Yes, of course. Parents are always welcome."

3. Ask for references! You would be astonished - I know I am - how very rarely I'm asked for references. The provider, unless she's very new, should be able to provide at least three. Tip: make sure at least one of these is from a former, rather than a current client. A current client may not want to be too blunt - after all, this person is caring for their child! A former client may be more willing to be honest about any shortcomings he or she noticed, even if, overall, they were happy with the caregiver.

There. I don't know if any of this was new to you, but perhaps I've offered a perspective you may not have considered, that will help in your hunt. All you childcare-experienced parents out there: Do you have any tips? Any particular questions that gave you critical information? Any questions you didn't ask, but wish you had? How did you find your good care - or screen out some bad care?

Super Mama

Kylei sent us this question:

My question today is not so much about my child as it is my husband...

First, let me say how insanely proud I am of him.  He was 19 when the baby was born, and he hasn't stopped trying for our family at any point.  He works two jobs.  He has been my rock through postpartum depression.  But at first I think he was scared of the baby as he was very hands-off when she was first born.  He'd only hold her for about 10 minutes a day and hand her off whenever she needed something.  I have been nicely explaining to him that she learns to trust him as a daddy when he does small things for her, like change her diaper and dress her. 

Last night he gave her a  bath and dressed her for the first time without me helping very much.  I only had to get her arms through her sleeves, because she hates that part and was pitching a fit to him.  The last thing I want is for the baby to be stressful for him, so I tend to take over when he tells me things are getting too hard.  Is that wrong of me to do?  He doesn't get mad at her, but he does get mad at himself for not being as quick a I am. 

Okay, sorry about the tangent, now for my real question:

Our 4-month-old has her first cold.  It's pretty bad.  She has a fever and stuffy nose.  To help her, I do what I believe any good mother should do: I take her temp, give her Tylenol (if needed), and put saline drops in her nose and suck the ickiness out.  She, of course, screams and cries.  This, understandably, upsets my husband.  I know it's hard to hear your baby cry and not be able to fix it.  However, he does things like talk to her and say, "Ohhh, mama's so mean, putting drops in your nose."  And, "how dare she just rip off your diaper to take your temp."  (For the record, I tell her everything I'm going to do before actually doing it in a very loving tone.)  When he does this, I usually tell him right then and there how I feel badly enough already.  He sits there like an impatient 3-year-old, grimacing the whole time cause I am "ohh so mean."  Then, when it's all over, he takes her right from my arms.  This is the part that really makes me angry.  In my mind, it turns me into the "bad cop" while he becomes the "safe person."  Am I wrong in this thinking?  Also how do can I explain it to him that it really does upset me without coming off as a nasty person?  How can I even things out a bit more?

It sounds like you're being considerate of Dad and baby when you help out if baby is pitching a fit.  You want their experiences together to be pleasant and stress-free.  And Dad asks you for help when the situation starts to get too difficult.  I'm wondering, though, if maybe what Dad means by "help" is not "do it for me" but "give me encouragement" or "verbal guidance" (like, "she's just crying because she doesn't like putting her arms in sleeves, but she's fine.  You've got it under control!).  If he's getting mad at himself for not being as quick as you, then he's not meeting his own expectation to handle the baby confidently when she's fussing at him.  And, he won't be able to get to the point of meeting his own expectation if he doesn't get the practice! 

Now, your little one has a cold.  Mom's doing all the yucky stuff of taking rectal temps and sucking out gobs of snot so baby can breathe.  Baby screams and cries and Daddy comes to the rescue!  He holds baby and talks to her about that mean ol' Mommy who made her cry.  Hmmm.  That sounds slightly familiar!  (Only without the talking!)  See, Dad just did to you what you do to him.  Now, I know, I know, you're thinking, "But he ASKS for my help!"  True.  But if, as I said earlier, what he means by "help" is "encouragement" and/or "verbal guidance," then, from his perspective he may feel like Mom's swooping down with her big ol' Super Mama cape and rescuing baby from mean ol' Daddy.  And since he gets mad at himself for not meeting his own expectation, he's jumping at the chance to swoop down with his big ol' Super Dada cape and rescue baby from mean ol' Mama! 

If you want baby to trust Daddy, then you have to trust Daddy with baby.  He's asking for help because he's having difficulty trusting himself.  So, if you show Dad you trust him (don't tell him -- don't even talk to him about this post -- just show him!), he will trust himself, and baby will trust you both. And, I would bet the next time baby has a cold, and she's screaming because you're sucking the snot out of her, Dad won't swoop down with his cape.  He won't need to because both of you will feel like super parents!

Modified Cry-It-Out

Probably the two best-known examples of Modified Cry-It-Out are Richard Ferber, author of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, and Marc Weissbluth, author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Whether you swear by them or merely swear at them, you’ve almost certainly heard of them.

What is modified CIO? Essentially it’s a softened version of full-blown CIO. (Full-blown CIO, which Ferber calls “cold turkey”. Good term.) While modified CIO doesn’t attempt to completely eliminate tears as do the no-cry methods, it does offer parents a system whereby their baby can be reassured of their presence.

Ferber is all about sleep associations. It is normal to wake briefly in the night. Everyone does it - adult and infant alike. The problem is that baby has never learned to put him/herself back to sleep. What does the child associate with being able to fall asleep? Nursing, rocking, singing, a parent alongside? These associations must be broken and new ones which allow the child to get back to sleep on his/her own must be established.

Ferber offers a system of parental presence at increasing intervals, starting with 5 minutes and, over the course of a week, increasing to 45 minutes, in a pattern all laid out in a handy chart. Thus, a child is put down to sleep and the parent leaves the room. If the child is still crying after the proscribed interval, the parent goes in to soothe the child. The child is not to be picked up, but the parent can shush, sing, pat his back, etc.,  for no more than 2 - 3 minutes before leaving. Remember, Ferber point out, you are “going in to reassure [your child] and yourself, not necessarily to help him stop crying and certainly not to help him fall asleep.” The point is to teach the child to fall asleep on his own. After you’ve let the child know you’re still there, you do not return until the set interval has passed.

Weissbluth, unlike Ferber,  doesn’t have the parent go in at set intervals. A child can be allowed to cry for up to an hour for daytime naps, and at night?  A parent can go in two or three times, but no more. Like Ferber, the child isn't to be picked up, but soothed briefly. The idea is to disassociate getting to sleep from the parent's presence or actions. He wants to empower the child, make getting to sleep something the child can do for himself.

Weissbluth spends more time than Ferber giving parents ways in which they might be able to minimize tears by preparing the child early in life for good sleep patterns, and by attuning parents to the child’s signals of drowsiness. Catch the child when they’re drowsy but not overtired, he directs, and there will be much less fuss. Let them get overtired, and the struggles can be monumental.

If I may be allowed a complaint. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is possibly the most poorly edited parenting book I have ever forced my way through.  A stressed-out, sleep-deprived parent should not have to wade through this sticky morass of exceedingly poorly-organized information to find what they need to know. However, as a source of “why is sleep important for my child”, he’s hard to beat.  There are many very compelling reasons to make our childrens' sleep a priority; Weissbluth puts forth a strong case.

After all, if quality sleep weren’t truly important to our child, no parent would be willing to suffer so for it!