Back to School Home?

It's been a big week here at the MaryP home. I don't talk much about my home life, nor my family much, so a bit of background is probably in order. I have three children: Haley is soon to turn 21, and will receive her BA next May; Adam, 17, is in his final year of high school; and Emma is 13 and in grade 8. Until each of them was 10ish, they were homeschooled. (My reasons were pedagogical and social/developmental.) The older two had a virtually wrinkle-free transition to school.

But Emma, poor Emma, my most social child, who was chomping at the bit to get out there and follow her siblings into the wider world... Whereas Haley and Adam got wonderful teachers for their first year of institutional school, Emma got a raving maniac whose tumultuous, and reputedly very nasty divorce proceedings, had her having tantrums in the class on a near-daily basis. The teacher gradually calmed down over the school year, and by the end of the year, Emma was willing to try another year. Phew. The next three grades passed uneventfully, though unlike my older two children, Emma still occasionally considered returning to homeschooling. These periods didn't generally last long, and she seemed to be enjoying her school experience overall.

This year, though, Emma has had enough. She doesn't want to go to school. We have had several long conversations since the beginning of September, which have become increasingly focussed. Homeschooling through high school intimidates me somewhat, but not enough to rule out the possibility, and it's always been my principle that the children have the right to choose the venue for their education.

She has a bunch of issues:

Restrictions of time and place:  "Sometimes when I'm trying to work something out in my head, I like to be able to move around. Even if the teacher lets you, and mostly they don't, the other kids would so mock you."

Social restrictions:  not the ones placed on the kids by the teachers, but the ones the kids place on each other. "They try to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. There are so many stupid rules to follow if you want to be cool and popular, and when you're popular, you're almost always mean to other kids who aren't cool."

Sartorial restrictions: "I really get tired of having to defend what I want to wear! Whose business is it but mine?" (Again, it's generally her peers that she's resisting, not the school authorities'. Though she does enjoy mocking the school's dress policy. "SPAGHETTI STRAPS!?!?! You total slut!!!")

Sexual issues:  "You can only talk to a boy or hang out with him if you're going out with him. How do I know if I want to get romantic with a boy if I never have boys who are just friends? "

Attitudes to education: "If you let anyone know you really like what you're learning, you're a geek. I have to pretend I'm not really interested, even when I am." How sad is that?

Attitudes to family: She likes spending time at home, she likes being with family. "You can't admit that you like your mother. That's totally dorky."

And hers is a nice school, in a nice neighbourhood, with (apart from the 4th-grade lunatic) nice teachers. Having been home-schooled, she knows she has alternatives.

Meantime, and entirely coincidentally, mother has been reading Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher. According to Ms. Pipher, Emma is doing remarkably well at her age, but that the storms are only going to get worse for the next few years. Preadolescent girls are generally strong, confident, interested, full of the zest of life. Early adolescence changes these girls.

"Just as planes and ships disappear mysteriously into the Bermuda Triangle, so do the selves of girls go down in droves...In early adolescence, studies show that girls' IQ scores drop and their math and science scores plummet. They lose their resiliency and optimism and become less curious and inclined to take risks. They lose their assertive, energetic and 'tomboyish' personalities and become more deferential, self-critical, and depressed. They report great unhappiness with their own bodies."

Why does this happen? In essence, it happens because of all the pressures which Emma finds so chafing, pressures which, because adolescence comes earlier these days than ever before, hits these girls when they are too young, too unformed to handle it. Pressures to look and act a certain way, to conform to a certain body and behaviour pattern, to be pretty, to appease, to be malleable and non-demanding in relationships and in life.  Some girls - and I suspect Emma will be one of them - withstand the pressure and emerge strong and whole at the end of this. Many others don't, and we have grown women who lose themselves in relationships that are damaging them, women who obssess about their appearance, who are never satisfied with their physical body, women who hesitate to be assertive lest they be labelled 'bitch', women whose sexual identity rests solely on the approval of a lover.

I am impressed that Emma is able to articulate her dissatisfactions so clearly. I am impressed that her dissatisfactions go beyond "school is boring and I'm sick of teachers telling me what to do all day". I am impressed that what is really bothering Emma is her understanding (which she only partially comprehends) that school requires her to sacrifice valuable portions of her true self. Since she is justifiably reluctant to do that, school has become a continual struggle, a constant abrasion, a non-stop defence of who and what she is against forces that would turn her into something she is not.

We still haven't made a decision, but I am so proud of her.

Comments

[Emily]

Coming from someone who did not "fit in" to the upper or even middle social hierarchy in high school, I completely commend her for being brave enough to tell you exactly why she doesn't want to go back. I had a high self esteem going into high school...I knew who I was and what I was there to do; I loved school, had excellent grades and many friends (who shared these things with me). We weren't worried about being "cool"; we just were who we were. Until high school. The dynamic of our group changed and all tried to conform to the "norm". I felt like my high school years were lost in who liked me & didn't like me; I let my grades slip, school became "uncool" to me and those great friends all disappeared.

Looking back, college was the same way for me, as were a few of my work experiences since. I wonder if I would have been as strong and confident as I was in junior high all the way through, if I would be more strong and confident now. I wonder if my parents could have done a little more to facilitate that strength and confidence at home.

Something to consider. Your daughter sounds like a very "put-together" girl! I just hope she can emerge on the other side that same way...our world needs more women that way!

You are also helping to reaffirm my desire to home school my kids...Thanks!

[Laura S.]

Emma is so astute, so self-aware. But I'm not at all surprised -- look at her mother!!

What's interesting is that "adolesence" seems to be occurring earlier in life (as pre-adolescents look and behave more like teenagers) while "adulthood" is occurring later (25 seems to be the age that psychologists now claim is the end of the teenage years), which means adolescence is becoming a LOT longer. This is really a shame because it's such a difficult period.

[Mary P]

I never did understand the glorification of adolescence that happens in our culture. Personally, I loathed being an adolescent: so much anxiety, so much second-guessing yourself, so much conflict and uncertainty. Ugh.

Why, when you get to be in your twenties (which I greeted with a heartfelt "thank GOD") would you be desperately crying "I'm NOT an adult! Don't call me an ADULT!"

Yet I see adults, parents no less, doing this into their *thirties*. Baffles the heck out of me...

[Stephen W.]

I count myself among the children who suffered at the social pressures of peers throughout my schooling. And though I'm not a masochist, I've always felt strongly about sending my own children to public school.

I realize this might sound strange. It's not that I want to subject my children to an environment that I found to be largely abusive. However, public schools are a microcosm of the real world. In my opinion, they teach a child more about dealing with real world challenges than they could possibly learn at home. If that involves a change in behavior or personhood, I perceive it as a necessary evil so that the child can adapt to the harsh reality of the world outside.

This is only my opinion. One of my very good friends was homeschooled until 8th grade and may very well have been better off because of it. I don't disagree with the decision to home school; I just believe that you can't learn to swim without getting in the water.

[dreadmouse]

My wife is of the opinion that all-girls schools are probably the best thing to do for adolescent girls. Her belief (and experience) is that when girls are free from the distraction of boys, they drop a lot of the resistance to appearing smart and many of the other cliquey aspects.

Myself, I'm not entirely convinced. I've never been an adolescent girl, of course. I do know that adolescense is difficult for everybody, and there's nothing that can be done to totally remove the pain.

[Mary P]

Emily - everyone has a different experience of school, but huge numbers of people (most?) find adolescence to be one of the most difficult times of their lives. (Sometimes I wonder if the people who look back with delight on their teen years weren't the ones who made my life miserable in mine. Perhaps I'm unduly cynical...)

There are as many ways to homeschool as there are families. I was more an 'un-schooler' my first time. Child-directed everything. Now we're facing high school and the prospect of preparing her for university, we feel we need to be a little more methodical about it.

But homeschooling kids up to the age of ten or so (the limits of my experience) is easy! Really. And fun.

Stephen - it's interesting that you should voice this perspective, because my husband (also a Stephen) feels the same way!

While I agree that you don't learn to swim without getting in the water, I have never believed that school is the only place for swimming lessons. The whole world is filled with people with whom to interact; lessons are taught everywhere, not just by a teacher, nor even a textbook. In addition, I feel that junior high is particularly intense and often destructive. There may be certain life paths one can choose after school that are equally intense and potentially destructive, but most of us don't. (If your junior high experience wasn't quite as negative as mine, and this comment probably has absolutely no resonance with you!)

So, to perhaps abuse your analogy I'd suggest that 'real life' is to junior high what the pool at the Y is to ocean depths rife with sharks and undertows.

Dreadmouse - I've heard that theory before. It has a fair bit of credibility with me in fact, but we're not about to test it, since there is no way on earth we could manage private school fees. (We looked into it.)

You're quite right: most people don't enjoy their adolescence a whole lot, male or female. Tough time of life.

[hazela]

Oh I remember those days well...and with horror...I think dreadmouse made the suggestion already but you might consider an all girls school if you have that option. We moved when I was 13 and I spent 2 years in a public girls school before I went to co-ed again for my last few years.
While the conforming pressures are there, the oppotunity for academics seems to be better as you are only 'competing' with other girls and don't have to 'suppress' your maths ability etc against the boys.

[Haley]

I strongly feel for Emma and the situation in which she finds herself. My transition from homeschooling to the public education system was not so smooth as you make it appear here, complete with one year of absolute catastrophe in seventh grade. Incidentally, it is interesting to me that the one year I remember as truly terrible was the one and only year which I spent at Emma's school.
I understand completely her struggle with the hegemony of the public classroom, and why she would consider opting out of a system that breeds conformity via omission of the self. My only caution would be that middle school is not high school, and that she may very well find, upon reaching grade 9 in a different setting with the potential of meeting more and different people, that it suits her in a way that grade 8 does not. High school can provide a much larger world and ease the tensions of conformity somewhat – although I would never go so far as to say that these pressures don’t exist.
Might I also suggest that you two look into the alternate high school programs that exist in the city? I know a few people who attended adult high schools, or high school programs that were designed to allow students to complete their diploma at their own paces without the stresses of being confined to groups of adolescents. Perhaps this is something to consider for Emma. Whatever the ultimate decision, I have no doubt that she can, and will, not only succeed but excel.

[Kristen]

I'm just impressed that Emma has thought through it as well as she has, and can articulate herself so thoroughly. Good luck coming to a decision...but like others have said, I have a feeling Emma will succeed no matter what.