Squealing Tot

Julie has a problem I'm sure a lot of you can relate to!

My 15-month-old son will squeal at such a pitch as to cause terrible pain in our eardrums. He will squeal when he is frustrated, not getting his own way, having to sit in one spot too long (eg. Out for dinner, or in the stroller shopping)…normal toddler issues. What can we do to stop this? Should we ignore it and cause the general public to also deal with ear pain? Or is it time to start some discipline with timeouts?

This is a tremendously common toddler behaviour, particuarly at this age, when language is generally so limited.  It is a way to express their feelings, and it's generally hugely effective at getting what they want. For the toddler, it's a win-win. Not so much for the parents and any innocent bystanders!

What to do?

First, whenever possible, avoid the squealing by dealing with the situation before it gets to that point. (I'm quite sure you already do this, but I can't skip it and have everyone assuming I don't do this first, too!) Take the tot from the high chair as soon as he's done; leave the mall when he gets restless. Bring toys to distract and snacks to keep the blood sugar stable.

If squealing starts, speaking simply and firmly, identify the problem, and give the child a positive option. "Suzie! Too loud. You want down? Use your quiet voice. Quiet voice."  When you say "quiet voice", say it quietly. Model a quiet voice. You may have to put your lips right to the child's ear in order to be heard over the racket she's making!

Sometimes, particularly when we're in public, I will point out some distraction in a whisper in the child's ear. ("Oh! Freddie! Look at that fire truck! See the fire truck? It has ladders and hoses. Maybe the firemen are going to a fire. Do you think the truck is going to a fire?") Often very effective, and a quick fix for public squealing.

As far as misbehaviour in public: At home you will have to put up with yowls of protest as you teach a new behaviour or raise your expectations of your child. However, I believe it is inconsiderate to inflict this on the surrounding public. If the child isn't calm in short order, I always leave. Don't worry: this doesn't mean that you're training your child to misbehave in public: the real training for good behaviour anywhere happens at home. Innocent bystanders do not need to spend 20 minutes caught in the crossfire of someone else's battle. (I'm aware that this is a multi-layered subject of a much longer post, but that's my working principle in these situations.)

Third, and the most important, a principle applicable to almost any behaviour you wish to eliminate: don't reward the behaviour!  Whatever the child wants to achieve by the squealing, make sure it doesn't happen!  For example, if she's squealing for attention, put your hands over your ears and walk away. Remove your attention.

(It is not necessary to say anything to the child. The most you need say is, "Oh! Too loud!" with an unhappy frown. Then leave, hands over ears. Body language will speak as well as words. You can prevent him/her following you by having a baby gate up. You can either step past the gate, leaving the child behind, or you may put the child on the other side of the gate. But do not be bathing the child in words and explanations as you do this - words and explanations, even scoldings, are attention.)

Another example, with a couple more options:  Baby wants down from the high chair.

Be sensitive to whatever (non-squealing) cues she's giving you; use words to confirm her cues. "You want down? All right! I can get you down!"

If she squeals, offer an alternative to squealing. Words if she can speak, and/or signals if she can't.  "You want down from the high chair? Say 'down, please'!"  As you say 'down, please', you rap on the chair's tray with both hands. Take your baby's hands and smack them on the tray as you repeat "Down, please! Down, please!"  This sort of thing can very quickly become a game.

A variation of the above is to add the remove-attention tactic. "I can't help you when you yell at me. No yelling. I'll help you when you're quiet."  Then you very deliberately turn your back on your child.  Wait fifteen seconds or so, then turn around and try  with the alternate again. ("Say 'Down, please!''' and slap the tray with baby's hands.)

As baby gets the idea, raise the bar. It shouldn't be too long - two or three weeks - before baby understands what "No yelling. Quiet voice," means, and that it's more effective to rap on the tray than squeal.  Not every time, but you'll see substantive progress.

And if you're discouraged by slow progress, be assured that this behaviour is generally 'just a phase', and that it will fade as their vocabulary improves. It's good to make the point now, though, lest you find yourself, in another few months, being screeched at -- in actual words!

Comments

[stefanierj]

If you're hearing a clicking sound, that's just me emailing this to my husband. Thanks--this is a lifesaver.

[Laura S.]

I've had to use the "no attention" tactic on Bah-bie. That girl can SCREAM. If only she could get paid to do it. She'd be great for horror films.

[Susan]

My son is 2 next week and he has started with the ear piercing squeal everytime we tell him off for something naughty, I have tried ignoring him and time outs and they both make him squeal louder, I'm at my wits end with it and not sure what else to try.

[Cara]

Maybe you people should pay more attention to your child, not less so you understand your childs needs. If your child is squealing they want something that you have failed to provide timely manner for them. It terrible to say just turn your back on them or ignore them, this teaches your child that it is pointless to ask for help. I can't believe this article is on a parenting website. I've seen worse articles but they were from the 1950's. If your child is squealing everytime you tell them off stop telling him off, is the result going to be that bad. What exactly is naughty anyway? It's your definition of something you consider is inappropriate. Maybe you should be changing your behaviour not not your childs

[Les]

you are all missing the point,if everyone taught their children,"you only need to squeal,scream if someone is trying to grab you,someone is hurting you or you are injured,hurt" It is all about safety for the child and respect for other people.
Tell them the story about the little boy who cried wolf,{just think about it for a moment.Most people today would not even take the time to run to the aid of anyone screaming.People have lost common sense and respect and caring for each other.My house is 3 meters from a 75 children day care center and i have an incurable illness.The noise is just wrong,15 to 20 Decibels above the 35 Decibel Limit Regulation enforced by council.They have been given a court order to solve the problem but the staff just ignore the council and neighbors complaints. We were all living here before the day care center was built.
Any comments welcome

[Tina]

thanks for the great advice i have a 12 month old who gets lots of attention in a very busy household of 3 children, my two previous children never squealed and not sure why she does. Work in progress as everything is. Critising people who are asking for advice is very judgemental. Your website is great and people are not looking for negativity just good advice.

[Meagan]

I am certainly going to try and follow your advice... my 15 month old daughter screams/squeals about everything ! when something doesn't go her way , when she wants something and it isn't given to her right away , and sometimes it seems like she's doing it for no reason (possibly because we give her attention to try and quiet her when she does it) , who knows, but I'm in desperate need for it to stop ... it's to the point where grandparents' aren'tenjoying her company and restaurants are a nightmare !!!!!!!!!!!