Partners in Parenting

What does this say, anyway? Reading without Assumptions.

Reuters reported yesterday on a study of the effects of poor daycare. The headline: "Few Effects of Poor Daycare Last Past Age 11".  Now that's a bizarre headline for you - are we to be outraged or relieved?

Your response is likely to be based on your presuppositions and assumptions, your already-established opinion on daycare. Those who hold daycare in suspicion will be outraged: "The bad effects of poor daycare can last ten years!!"  Those who have found daycare to be a positive thing might be able to salvage comfort: "See? Even a bad daycare doesn't ruin a child's life! A good daycare can be a great thing!" And of course, no one deliberately leaves their child in inferior daycare. But still... ick!

The article's summation isn't as fearsome. It states that there are in fact, very few negative effects of poor daycare; that hardly any of these last as long as age 10 or 11; and by that age the effects are very subtle. So, all in all, not so bad as the headline might give one to believe.

But, just because we can read the words, we can't assume we know what it's saying. When you hear "poor daycare", what does it mean to you?  When you consider possible "negative effects" of daycare, what do you think of?

You know what you mean by those things. BUT: is that what the researchers meant?  The thing is, you can't know until you read the article (and sometimes not even then) whether you mean the same thing by "good daycare" as the researchers.  You don't know that their "negative effects" are the same as yours.

So, how did the study define these terms?

For the study, "Child care was defined as regularly scheduled care by anyone other than the child's mother, lasting at least 10 hours per week. Quality child care is complex to define but includes having trained caregivers and a low child-to-caregiver ratio." (Emphasis mine.)

I don't know what factors the reporter has left out. Training for caregivers is important, and child-to-caregiver ration is not insignificant... but... would you choose a caregiver or daycare centre on these two items alone? Are they even at the very top of your list?

I once worked in a daycare centre owned by two women. The staff-child ratio was slightly better than the legal requirements. The space was decent. Not wonderful, but clean, safe, well-lit and well-stocked with toys, and a small but pleasant outdoor play area. Both women who owned the centre had all the requisite education and at least 15 years experience. One was warm, friendly, quick to laugh and a good communicator. The other... Let me give you a picture of the other...

One day during afternoon snack time, a child was whining. It was the end of the child's first week in care, and her first full day at the centre. She had just woken from her nap and was sitting in circle waiting for her snack. She was still a little groggy, she was hungry, she was missing her mommy. And so, being about 15 months old, she was grizzling a bit. Not loud, but consistent. Give her another fifteen minutes to eat her snack and wake up a bit, and she'd have been fine, I'm sure.

That other daycare owner didn't want to give her those 15 minutes. She stormed across the room, and hunched over in front of the child so that she was nose-to-nose with her. I don't remember if she held the child by her upper arms or not, but I do remember what she said.

"Shut up!" She hissed in a voice dripping with venom. "Shut up! You are NOT worth the effort."

So. Good physical environment, good staff-child ratio, good training = good childcare?

I think, given that the place is safe, most parents would be more interested in knowing how often children are touched, hugged, kissed. How often a caregiver smiles, doles out praise. How discipline is accomplished. How conflicts are managed.  Education is important, but character even more so.  They can't teach patience and love at college.

And how about "effects of daycare"? The study lists things like scores on vocabulary tests (very slightly better in the fifth grade than children who received 'poor quality' care). There were no differences in math, reading or other skills. Test scores? And very subtle differences? I just can't imagine that minute differences in test scores are that important to the majority of parents.

Here's a finding that does warrant attention:  "Children who were in child care were more likely to be aggressive and defiant in kindergarten."  This is the sort of information that matters to parents. This is the sort of finding that warrants a closer look.  What aspects of care were making this behaviour more likely?  How can they be managed, controlled, reduced?  Nor does it say whether this aggression continued past kindergarten. (Even then, please note, researchers said the all the effects were subtle. Dr. James Griffin, who oversaw the study, is quoted as saying "If you went into one of these classrooms, you wouldn't be able to say 'this child, this child, and this child attended center-based care'."  The differences just aren't that great.) 

Another comment - Dr. Griffin refers to "centre-based care". Does this mean it's equally applicable to in-home care, whether by a nanny, a neighbour, or a relative? Likely not, but we don't know for sure.

Bottom line: though the headline is provocative, and the content interesting, there are far more questions left unanswered than answered. It doesn't really tell us much, this article. So don't be using it to back up your assumptions!

But here's a fact that will encourage:  the study found that attention from parents is far more important to how a child turns out than day care or schooling.

Nurturing?

MamaBear has a problem! This one's lengthy, but there was little I wanted to edit out of Mamabear's letter, and my response? Well, it needed to be said:

I work full time and my husband attends college full time. We found a very nice woman to take care of our  baby in her home for about 25 hours per week. Kikki, who is 8 months, has been in her care since late August. Everything is going well besides... sleeping. Or lack of it at the child care.

While she consistently sleeps 11 hours at night and takes 2 naps of length from 1 to 2 hours, she often skips naps at the day care or takes really short ones at odd times. Result is she falls asleep at the time when I pick her up, so I don't get to see her at all. She just stays asleep until the morning. Even if I try to awake her to eat her supper (drink a bottle), she'll only stay awake long enough to be changed and drink a couple of ounces.

I'm upset because some days I don't get to be with my baby at all, and I look forward to it all day. More importantly, I don't like her sleep and eating patters disrupted like that! It makes for an unpredictable moody baby next day. I've asked the childcare provider to write down her eating and sleeping times and I've been tracking closely. I think the root cause of her not sleeping is that the she is held to sleep in the child care provider's arms and if she even makes a peep in her crib, she is tended to and picked up.

I've tried talking to the babysitter about how we can get the baby to sleep better, and she admitted she can't listen to her cry so if she does, she will pick her up and she'd rather hold her to sleep. At first, she'd hold her to sleep each time, because she said that's what she did with her 3 daughters. We got her a portable crib and she's been putting Kikki to sleep there. It helped a little but she would take only 30-40 minutes naps.

My husband tried helping her to put Kikki to sleep. He stayed and they put her in her portable crib. She'd cry. The baby sitter tried running in every time she made a peep, my husband stopped her to see if she'd calm down right away on her own. Then if not, they'd go in and pat her belly, talk to her soothingly, put her pacifier back. After an hour my husband called me that she is not going to sleep, she is screaming at the top of her lungs unless you pick her up, and he's never seen her like this at home. She never gives us this much trouble. So they let it go and she ate at 11 and fell asleep at around noon but only for a half an hour again.

When I was picking her up at 5:30, she was dead tired. A couple of things he noticed is that it was louder in her house, either a phone would ring or her little dogs would bark. Her bedrooms are upstairs so she puts her to sleep in the downstairs open-space dining room. He suggested moving her to a quieter space with less light so they did move her to a shaded living room. Also, my husband suggested to her to make sure the baby gets a nap before her own daughters get home from school, because then they want to play with the baby and no more sleep.

When I talked to the baby sitter on the phone later, she said she felt so bad because she just wanted to "run in there and hold her" and she said that's just the way she is, her husband calls her the "natural nurturer." I let it go for now because she is otherwise wonderful with our baby and didn't want to add any more stress. It's still pretty new to all of us, only 2nd month she's been in her care (although she was in her care part-time once a week for 3 months prior to that).

I don't really want to instruct her to ignore the baby, we don't really do that either, and I don't want to de-sensitise her to baby cries. But on the other hand, I'm not ok with my baby not sleeping. I also noticed she's more flexible with baby's eating times, she'll feed her an hour earlier sometimes because she says the baby seems to be cranky and interprets it as being hungry. She rarely gets hungry earlier at home. I wonder if she's sleepy and it’s being misinterpreted as being hungry by the baby sitter? So what do I do, how do allow some flexibility  in the child care yet ensure baby gets her needed sleep before she's picked up?

Well, you do have a dilemma, but I'm not sure it's the one you think you have!

Let's see... we have a caregiver who gets a child who naps and eats well, a cheerful, interactive child, and within a matter of weeks, turns her into a screaming non-napper, sleep-deprived and irritable. A child who, instead of getting two or three treasured hours with mommy and daddy at the end of the day, can only drop with exhaustion the moment she gets home. Moreover, it seems that the caregiver is diligently training the child to misread her body's sleep and hunger cues. And she calls this nurturing?

Who, exactly, is being nurtured here? Not poor Kikki, who is now sleep-deprived and missing parental interaction because she makes up lost sleep when she could be playing with you. Not you, who has to deal with a cranky baby when she's awake, and are missing time you dearly treasure with your child.

So who's gaining in this scenario? Oh, I know! The caregiver. She's the only winner here. She is the only one whose needs are being met.  Not you, not your husband, and certainly not your child. She gets to cuddle a baby. All things take second place to this need of hers. Oh, and her children benefit, too. Instead of letting your baby have her afternoon nap, she lets her daughters 'nurture' the baby.

Speaking as a caregiver, I am shocked and offended. Her behaviour is detrimental to Kikki and unfair to you, and as such, grossly, grossly unprofessional.  To call it 'nurturing' only adds insult to injury, since it makes her out to be the truly loving one, whereas you and your husband are asking her to be less  'nurturing'. How crass! How uncaring! How selfish! How could you??

Even the caregiver's children get more time during the week with your baby than you do. Do I sound angry? I am. You are being treated badly. She is not doing one single thing to ensure your child get the sleep she craves, and yet you are being made to feel as if you are making harsh,  non-nurturing demands. (Why can't the baby sleep upstairs, in a dim and quiet environment? Does she not have a baby monitor?)

I am also afraid that there is probably no way out of this except to find another caregiver. I don't say this because I disapprove of her actions. I believe you when you say she's a lovely, loving, gentle-spirited woman. I think she's well-intentioned.  The problem is, she's created a situation in which your baby now associates sleeping with being held. In order for Kikki to get any reasonable amount of sleep in the caregiver's home, this association will have to be broken - which will almost certainly involve crying, possibly a LOT of crying, something the caregiver declares herself (and demonstrates herself to be) incapable of withstanding. In short, I don't think this caregiver, even if she were willing, is capable of solving the problem she has created. Which means that, left with this caregiver, Kikki will never get the sleep she needs. Never. Can you, in all good conscience, allow your poor child to continue long-term in her sleep deprivation, no matter how awkward it may be to find new care?

A new caregiver will start with a clean slate. Because Kikki has good habits with you, she will quickly regain them in a new environment. You haven't been with this caregiver long; Kikki will very quickly adjust to a new face in her life, particularly if the new face respects her need for quality sleep!

What to Look for in Daycare

A reader suggested that it might be useful to have some insider tips on what to look for in daycare. When your well of inspiration has run dry, it's wonderful to be given a topic!

I've taken some of the most popular bits of advice and added an insider's 'tip'  or perspective. In addition, I've added three interview questions that I feel are particulary important.

There are many resources for parents seeking childcare. Most governments (state and provincial) produce guidelines for parents. There are a gazillion websites. Community centres may have publications, or even offer workshops. Tip: The best information sources will offer you a comparison of the pros and cons of all childcare options: in-home care (nannies, au paires); small group home daycare; large daycare centres (for-profit, and non-profit); cooperative centres.

Of course you will visit the home or daycare centre before sending your child there, and you will have the nanny into your home. But what are you looking for, precisely?

- warm, welcoming staff. Whether it's a single care provider, or an entire staff, they should be warm, calming, respectful, and authoritative. ('Authoritative', meaning exuding calm authority, not bullying the tots into submission - that's 'authoritarian'.) They should be kind and loving to the children. Tip: Trust your gut. Do you instinctively warm to this person? You need to like your provider. Sometimes parents feel they are being 'irrational' when they take a strong, but seemingly groundless dislike to a person, but your gut feeling is an important indicator.

- staff who understand the development of a child. This may mean they have ECE or other education, but it needn't stop here. Some parents might not even consider leaving their child with someone who has no formal training. Others may prefer a woman with 15 years experience and no certificate over a 20-year-old with the certificate and 6 months' experience. Whatever her training, the caregiver should have overall understanding of child development; she should be aware of different approaches to common issues (sleeping, potty training, aggression, discipline, etc.), and be able to speak about them intelligently.

- a clean, welcoming environment. A note here: 'clean' and 'tidy' are not the same. There will almost certainly be toys strewn about; but the floors on which they are scattered should be clean. Tip: In fact, a too-pristine environment might mean that your child's play is being unduly restricted in the interests of tidiness. As one of my favourite child development gurus has stated, "a tidy home and a happy ten-month-old are mutually exclusive".

- toys appropriate to the age of the children in care. This does not mean there have to be hundreds of toys available at all times, indeed, toy shelves may appear a bit spartan. The important thing is that the toys are of good quality, developmentally appropriate, and safe for the age of the children in the room. In a larger centre, where big and little folk are tended in separate rooms, this is relatively straightforward. How does the home daycare lady keep the under-ones from ingesting the three-year-olds' puzzle pieces? Good caregivers will have a system!

Those are all basic. You can find this information anywhere. I have a further three points that apply particularly to home care, but are applicable to others.

1. Ask the caregiver how long children stay in her care. Optimally, you will hear that they stay from infancy to school age. I once led a network of childcare providers. One of the women in my area constantly complained how fickle parents were:  nobody stayed for longer than six months! Outrageous! I looked at her home and saw the untidy, litter-strewn front yard, her chain-smoking (in the house) husband, and her unruly, aggressive 9-year-old, and I was astonished anyone would sign on in the first place!

(The equivalent question to ask of a larger centre is how long the staff tends to stay. High staff turnover is a real problem for large centres, and it is probably the single most significant issue for young children, who need stability of care.)

2. Ask if you may drop in unannounced. The answer should be an unqualified 'yes'. No ifs, ands, or buts, parents should be welcome at any time. If she offers a restricted time frame (between a certain small window of time) or requires a phone call in advance, this should be a red flag. It may be benign, but it should cause you to consider carefully the reasons for the restrictions.

Now, your provider might appear less than thrilled at the thought of spontaneous droppings-in. Even if she's responding graciously, you may detect reluctance. In this case, it's not likely anything sinister. Her reluctance is almost certainly because, frankly, some parents are a pain to have underfoot. They may distract the children. They may disrupt the routines. They may even contradict you in front of the children. It is almost certain that the children will behave differently with a new adult around. In short, very often that extra adult around complicates things.

Of course, many parents are an utter delight - helpful, careful to follow your direction and stay within the patterns of the daycare, and to discuss any concerns privately. Thing is, you can never tell until they are in your home if they're of the helpful or the horrible variety.

However, helpful or total nuisance, the parent always has the right to free access to their child. "May I drop in now and then?" should be answered, "Yes, of course. Parents are always welcome."

3. Ask for references! You would be astonished - I know I am - how very rarely I'm asked for references. The provider, unless she's very new, should be able to provide at least three. Tip: make sure at least one of these is from a former, rather than a current client. A current client may not want to be too blunt - after all, this person is caring for their child! A former client may be more willing to be honest about any shortcomings he or she noticed, even if, overall, they were happy with the caregiver.

There. I don't know if any of this was new to you, but perhaps I've offered a perspective you may not have considered, that will help in your hunt. All you childcare-experienced parents out there: Do you have any tips? Any particular questions that gave you critical information? Any questions you didn't ask, but wish you had? How did you find your good care - or screen out some bad care?