Partners in Parenting

Quelling the FOOD FIGHT! Impulse

This Q&A comes from a couple of mothers who are dealing with a very common toddler behaviour: food-flinging at meal times.  Says Melissa (whose daughter is 15 months old), “I've tried every response from ignoring it, telling her firmly that food is for eating and not for throwing, and taking the tray of food away. None seems to have any lasting effect. (I should admit that I don't take the food away unless she's almost done, as it seems kind of hard-ass to deprive her of food for doing something that is not really harmful to her or anyone else, just irritating to me.)”

Betsy has pretty much the same problem with her 19-month-old son, except that it’s complicated by the fact that he’s using this behaviour to signal that he’s done his meal! Even though Betsy tells him firmly, “No throwing, [takes] the plate away... and [puts] him down on the floor”, she rightly wonders how effective this is “since he was done eating anyway -- it's no loss to him to get down from the chair and stop eating.”

My response to Melissa is straightforward: You have to decide how much you want to eliminate this behaviour. If you really want it to stop, well,  hard-ass is just what you need to be! Your instincts are good. Go for it!

When you give her her meal, you’ll tell her carefully and clearly that “The food stays ON your tray. ON your tray.” Speak slowly. Point to the tray. Tap it as you say ON, so she is more likely to understand. The first time, she gets one chance. If she flings something, you put it back on the tray (yes, right back on the tray; the lesson is more important than hygiene squeamishness), and repeat it. “No, honey. The food stays ON the tray.” (She doesn't have to actually eat the food that was on the floor; you're just making the point clear: Food on tray.)

If (HA! this is a toddler - WHEN) she flings it again, you smile and say, “Oh, I guess you’re done then,” and you lift her from the high chair. Meal time is over. Even if she’s only had two bites. Don’t feel that you’re being unfair here: food is a HUGE motivator, and you’d be a fool not to avail yourself of it.

Now, she is only fifteen months old, so you can give her one more chance, but you wait a bit - three minutes or so - before you put her back in the high chair. However, she only gets this one final chance. If she throws her food again, no matter whether she’s eaten a single other bite, she is removed, and doesn’t eat again until her next scheduled snack or meal. I repeat: food is a big motivator.  Use it!

You probably won’t have to do this more than a very few times before she figures it out; the most persistent child I’ve ever encountered kept it up for about ten days, and I’m quite sure he would have figured it out sooner if there’d been consistent follow-through at home. So, you have my permission to be a hard-ass about this. You don’t have to be mean or angry, just clear and consistent. You can even be regretful if you like: “Oh dear. Food on the floor. Time to get down.” It won’t take long!

Now, what about poor Betsy, who is already doing all that, but whose little boy doesn’t care, because down is what he wants, anyway? Hmmm... Much harder.

You might try a simple trick of  timing. How about you remove him from the high chair before he’s quite finished, so he doesn’t get to the point of throwing? I’m sure you’re aware of the signals that indicate he’s almost done. At this point, clear his tray and put him down. Try that for a week. That may be all it takes to break the pattern. If it doesn’t work, try another week of timing it.

If it persists past the second week, I’d suggest you keep up with what you’re doing - the firm “no”, the removal from the scene. You might add to that a more intense response. When he throws something, ignore the flung food for the moment, and take both his hands in yours. Giving stern and direct eye contact, repeat the “No throwing” direction, and don’t let go his hands till he tugs to be released. Then you repeat “No throwing”,  let go his hands and put him down cheerfully.

I think Melissa’s problem can be solved within a week or so. Betsy, yours may take a little longer! Hang in there. Consistency will win the day.

Q&A -- Infant Feeding

Liz recently sent us this question:

My 5-month-old son recently started solids.  He's in the 95th percentile for his height and weight.  He's a voracious eater, and let's just face it, he's a bit of a hoss.  I'm really confused about how much I should be feeding him and when.  He started cereal at just 2 1/2 months old under the advisement of his pediatrician because he was consuming insane amounts of formula.  The doctor told me at his 4 month check-up to start solids, warning me that his formula intake would drop.  The doctor didn't tell me how much formula he should be getting. 

I am a young, single mom struggling to raise my son under my parents' roof while trying to finish school and working a semi-full-time job.  My mother (so full of advice that it brims over constantly), having successfully raised two "big" baby boys of her own, insists that I am not feeding the little piggy enough, while my dad insists that he is not hurting for any nutrition, according to his size.

I have read up on the subject, and all the books say solid food is just an added bonus to formula (where most of the nutrition is) until 6 months or so.  He is now eating cereal in the morning, a jar of veggies at lunch and a jar and a half at supper.  His formula intake varies, but is usually around 30 ounces per day, and he'll eat whatever and whenever you offer him food. 

Am I feeding him too much?  Too little?

Liz, this is a timely question because a study was recently published regarding weight gain in infants, including infants under 6 months old.  The researchers found that in the last 22 years, the number of fat babies (95th percentile after adjusting for height) has increased by 73%.  This is not good news since other research in the last five years has shown that rapid weight gain prior to the sixth month of life is associated with obesity in later life. 

Let me be clear -- I'm NOT telling you about this research so that you can wonder whether your son is going to be obese later in life.  Remember, some kids are simply bigger, some are smaller.  A lot depends on genetics.  I'm telling you this because what this research suggests is that our society's perception of a "fat baby" as "healthy baby" may need to change.  Thus, your mother's notion that "bigger is better," may not be so! 

Now, because Mary and I are not qualified to provide nutritional advice, we consulted a pediatric nutritionist on your behalf.  Here's what she told us:

"With the amount of solids he's taking, she may want to cut back on formula to about 24 ounces.  Just put a little less in each of his bottles.  I don't know if she's giving him any juice, but I'm really opposed to juice for infants.  It's mostly sugar water and can really add up the calories.  She also may want to give him 2 ounces of water a day.  I really like it that she's giving him veggies twice a day.

With respect to cereal, I would start with about 1 tablespoon of rice cereal mixed with an ounce or 2 of formula.  He should be encouraged to actually suck the cereal off the spoon rather than have mom use the upper lip to scrape it off.  The cereal mix should be pretty soupy.  Once he gets the hang of eating the cereal, I would increase it to 2-3 tablespoon once or twice a day.  I usually ask that babies not have anything but formula or breast milk added to the cereal (no fruit, juice, sugar, or other sweetener).  If he tolerates rice cereal, he can move onto oatmeal, barley, and, finally, mixed cereal."

Additionally, the research cited above and our pediatric nutritionist stress watching the baby's behavioral cues.  If he is turning his head away, begins spewing the food out of his mouth, or he starts crying as the spoon nears his mouth, he's done!  And, given he'll eat anything when offered, he shouldn't eat outside his regularly scheduled feedings.  He should also not be "forced" to finish his meals.  He'll let you know when he's hungry (his crankiness or crying may be a clue!) and when he's done.  He knows better than anyone!