Partners in Parenting

"Help Me, Mama! Help, Help, Me Mama!"

Here’s a question for you:  How many times a day do you help your child? 

For most parents, I would bet the answer would be “At least a 100 times day!”

But here’s another question:  Are we really doing what’s best for our children when we provide help?

As parents, it’s important to teach our children how to ask for help.  It’s far more productive for a child to say “Help me!” than to start screaming out of frustration.  However, we need to be careful that we teach the true meaning of the word help.  This means we need to discern when to help and not just rush to assist at every cry. 

As a Director of a school, I see firsthand that a lot of children these days don’t know what “help” means.  Children – especially those who are new to the school - ask me for help all the time without first attempting to do things themselves. 

Let’s take little 3 ½ year-old Timmy for instance who earlier in the day had a lesson in how put on his own shoes:

“I need help,” claims Timmy as he sits there staring at his shoes and not even touching them. 

“Remember,” I say, “first you pull out the tongue then you put your toes in.”

“But I need help!”  He exclaims still keeping his hands as far away from his shoes as possible. 

Obviously, little Timmy’s definition of the word help is “A grown-up does it for me.”

“Timmy, help means you try to do it first.  Then, if you can’t do it I will be happy to assist you.  But you try first.”

Timmy continued staring at his shoes muttering the word “help.”  Finally, after a good twenty minutes (which, as the Director I can spend with one child, but a teacher in charge of 20 other children does not have the luxury of doing), Timmy realized he was not going to get any help without trying to do it himself first.  So Timmy put on his shoes.  All by himself.  And he was so proud.

Now, as a parent, I know how painful it is to watch your child struggle with something you can do in flash like put on shoes or socks.  I remember literally feeling pain in my body watching my daughter put on her socks for what seemed like half an hour.  It was all I could do to keep my hands away from her feet.  But now at the age of 4 she’s an absolute pro and has been for quite some time.

The point is sometimes we think we’re helping our children but what we’re actually doing is robbing them of learning how to do things for themselves.  This does not help them when they are away from you such as when they’re at school.  And it teaches them that the role of grown-ups is do things for them.   Parents should be teachers for their children – not servants. 

So next time your child asks for help, be sure you’re really helping and NOT enabling.

Are You Picking Your Battles or Just Surrendering?

The other day I was working with a mother and son.  During session, the boy took off his shoes so he could be more comfortable while playing on the floor.  At the end of session, the mother asked him to put his shoes back on so they could leave.  The five year-old refused. 

Mom sighed and said, "Okay, let's go."

The boy opened the door and walked out towards the reception area in his socks.  As the mother and I trailed behind, mom looked at me and began explaining, "He's always hated wearing his shoes.  So, rather than fighting with him, I just carry extra socks.  When he gets in the car, I'll just take off his dirty socks, put clean ones on and then put his shoes on for him.  He's been doing this for so long, I've just learned to pick my battles." 

Another mom recently told me how her two year-old daughter screamed bloody murder when mom refused to hand over a flower dress that was now too small for the girl.  At that moment, mom was actually giving the dress and other clothes the girl had outgrown to a friend.  When I asked mom what happened next, she said, "She was screaming so loudly about that damn dress, I just let her wear it to bed.  You've just got to pick your battles, you know?"

I can see these moms' points.  Engaging in battles with our kids is exhausting, and if we didn't pick them, then we'd be battling all day long.  But these situations left me wondering: What does it really mean to "pick your battles"?

Let's look at Flower Dress Mom's situation.  The child wanted the flower dress.  In fact, she wanted to wear it to bed, which she did.  And maybe the child's mother and her friend didn't really care whether the child kept the dress and wore it to bed or not.  I mean, really, who cares?  It's just a dress.  The friend got a bag full of other clothes for her own kid.  And it's certainly not going to harm the girl if she sleeps in a dress that's a wee bit too small.  Hell, I don't care if my kids sleep in togas, so long as they sleep.  So, why engage in a battle over such a non-issue?  Instead, pick a more important battle in which to engage.  Right?

But here's the thing: Did mom actually "pick the battle" or did she surrender? 

If you look at the situation from a reinforcement perspective, mom waved that flower dress like a white flag and surrendered.  If you remove all the distracting details and cut the situation down to the core, what you have is a child tantruming to get what she wants.  And because she got what she wanted, she'll be sure to tantrum again because now she knows it works! 

Child 1, Mom 0.

Now, let's take a look at Sock Mom.  Kid refuses to wear shoes and walks around soiling his socks.  Rather than fighting with him over it, she figured out an alternative: live with it, carry extra socks, and put his shoes on for him once in the car.  I give mom credit for looking at an alternative solution.  But, again, is this solution picking the battle, or is it surrendering?

Viewing the situation through a reinforcement lens, those bright white socks are looking much more like a bright white flag.  Why should mom go to extra trouble to have clean socks on her at all times?  Why not just let the kid walk around in soiled socks, which would be a natural consequence of his choice?  Maybe over time the kid would begin to dislike the feeling of wearing soggy filthy socks.  Then maybe he'd start wearing his shoes more often.  (Or maybe he'd go barefoot and still refuse to wear his shoes!  But even then, just tell the kid you can't take him anywhere: no socks, no shoes, NO SERVICE!) 

To me, "picking your battles" means not enforcing arbitrary rules at any given moment in order to be right or show our kids we're in charge.  I don't force my kid to wear the shirt I picked out for him when in the end it doesn't really matter what shirt he wears so long as he wears one.  Instead, "picking your battles" means we're thoughtful in the rules we want to enforce and we're consistent in enforcing them.  Thus, if the rule is "no tantruming," we don't ever give in to tantrums, no matter what the circumstances are.  If we want our kid to learn to be responsible and wear his shoes when appropriate, then we let him actually learn it.  We don't accommodate him or do it for him so he never has to learn.      

In the end, however, I still feel dissatisfied with this definition of "pick your battles."  I think part of my dissatisfaction is that thinking in terms of "battle" when dealing with our children only seems to reinforce the concept  of power struggles.  And whenever I've engaged in a power struggle with my kids, I have never, ever won.  But that's a whole other post. 

Building Self-Esteem Without Praise

[Happy New Year from PiP!  And many thanks to my dear friend and writing partner, Mary P., for keeping PiP afloat the last few months.]

Parents are eager to build their children's self-esteem, so many parents praise their children as often as possible.  "Good job!"  "Good listening!"  "Good blinking!"  Too much praise, even to a very young child, can become meaningless.  Alternatively, it can become expected and sought out, leaving a child who doesn't receive praise for every little deed feeling insecure.  Praise is important, but it shouldn't be overused.  We want our children to have healthy self-images and not depend upon the judgments of others to give them confidence. 

But how do help our children develop healthy self-esteem?

One way to do it is by spending a little time (30-60 minutes per week) playing with our children.  I'm sure you're thinking, "Duh! Only a mean, heartless parent doesn't play with his/her kid!"  So hear me out, because this is a little different than how we normally play with our kids.

Let your child choose whatever activity he or she wishes.  (You don't need to play with her -- unless she wants you to.)  As she plays, watch her -- attentively -- without telling her how to play with the object correctly or telling her that trees aren't purple.  As you watch, describe some of what she is doing back to her without judgment (using a tone that conveys interest is essential!): "Oh, I see you're drawing a purple tree" or "you're building something tall with the red blocks."  This may sound or even feel a bit silly, but this description lets the child know that you're really noticing her and accepting her and her choices. 

Now, what I've just described may seem simple, or even obvious, but it's actually fairly difficult to do at first.  So much of what we say is filled with judgment -- even if it's just conveyed in our tone and not our actual words.  Plus, children work at a much different pace than we do.  We can look at an object, know what needs to be done with it, and do it quickly because we have the developed motor skills.  A child, on the other hand, may need to spend time attempting to put square pegs into round holes, or struggle with every little Lego for a good long minute before attaching it properly.  Watching this as an adult can feel boring or even painful, and the urge to do it for them can become overwhelming.  Ignore that urge.  Give them the necessary time.  And watch them.  When they feel us watching them and accepting them, they internalize that feeling, which lays the foundation to healthy self-esteem. 

These play-times also provide opportunities to reinforce certain desired behaviors.  For instance, if you have a child with a very active temperament, you may want to reinforce concentration or carefulness.  "I can see you're really taking your time putting one block on top of the other."  Again, you're not judging her, or even praising her, but merely stating what you're observing, which can reinforce this desired behavior or at very least help her differentiate careful from careless behavior. 

Praise is not wrong or bad.  It's just overused.  (I'll do a future post on praise because it's still important!)  Observing and describing, however, is often underutilized.  But such experiences are incredibly meaningful to children and help them develop a healthy sense of self. 

Managing December...How Do You Do It?

Both Thanksgivings are out of the way, Hallowe'en is a thing of the past - next stop, Christmas.

Even if you don't celebrate the holiday, it's hard to avoid. Even for those of us who do celebrate the holiday, it can feel more like a lot of pressure than a holiday, more a celebration of ridiculous excess than anything to do with peace, love or faith.

How do you manage this month? Do you hunker down, batten down the hatches, try to stay under the radar? Do you throw yourself into the mayhem with relish? Do you savour the pleasures and filter out some of the craziness?  Stories, styles, and craziness tips are all welcome.

Here's one of mine, which I only realized this very year is not how everyone does it!!

In our household, Santa only brings ONE present for each person. The other presents are gifts from real people. I thought this was just how it was done, until I suddenly found out (why did it take me so long?) that in many families, Santa brings all BUT one! Or all but a few. Or even ALL of them. Phew.

I now believe this was something my canny and practical mother devised for her own protection. A widow with three young children, she had very little money. If she encouraged us to believe in a magical Santa who could fulfill our every wish, think of the disappointment on Christmas day! Instead, ONE gift from Santa (and not the biggest one); the rest was from mummy, and grandparents.

For us, with Santa as kindly support staff to Christmas, rather than the Whole Deal, the expectations were realistic and the focus was on the generosity of family and the fun of giving. It worked for us!

How about you? Any stories to share? What is your holiday style? How does your family manage this month?

It's All About Balance

Prepare to be astounded:

Now, if you've had much to do with 4-year-olds, you know that most of them find it sufficiently challenging to clap at the right time in "If You're Happy and You Know It". This child is a genius. I mean that quite literally. I am not exaggerating in any way. If he becomes anything other than a musician when he grows up, I'll be astonished.

Why is he so talented? Well, it's his dad playing the bass in the background, so he comes from a musical family. It's probably in his genes. And yet, there's that full drum kit with sound-absorbing wall in behind it. Someone is sure giving him the opportunity to develop his talent.

With stuff like this - extraordinary talent, evidence of genius - we don't have too much trouble attributing it to genes. Without the support he's getting, he might never have discovered his talent, but the support doesn't create the talent. That's innate. Not many people would argue that.

But what of other traits? What of kindliness, sociability, ambition, patience, thoughfulness, extroversion, love of books, love of sports, stick-to-it-tiveness, and on and on and on? Very often as parents we attribute the development (or lack thereof) of any of these or a gazillion other traits entirely onto things we have or have not done. Is this fair? Is this reasonable?

There is a balance between innate and environment, but I feel strongly that in our culture, we place the balancing point at the wrong spot.  I believe that as parents, we burden ourselves tremendously with exaggerated notions of our own potency in our childrens' lives.

Please understand:  We are important. We are, for the first years of our childrens'  lives, supremely important. We have the power to foster, to guide, to nurture, or to squelch, demean and discourage. What we don't have is the power to make our child other than what he/she is. Some of what our child is, is simply innate. It is who s/he is. How much is innate is up for discussion; knowing that some is innate neither gets us off the hook, parentally, nor makes our contribution worthless. But parenting is a contribution to who your child will become. It is not the beginning, middle, and end, the be-all and end-all.

Without the drum kit, this child may never have discovered his talent - but he'd still have it. Without the talent, all the drum kits, lessons, and practice in the world wouldn't turn him into this kind of a drummer. In this area of his life, his parents have helped him discover who he is; they didn't make him who he is.

I think this is true of all areas of our childrens' lives. And that, fellow parents, is a good thing.

Hot Buttons -- Managing Parental Anger

Last week, I spoke with a woman who told me that when her son was born, she thought mothering was so easy, she couldn't imagine it ever being difficult.  Then her son turned 15 months and everything changed.  Instead of being cuddly and easy to please, he threw tantrums, became defiant, and even seemed to be deliberately pushing her buttons.  She felt enraged with him at times and found herself yelling at him far more than was normal for her easy-going temperament.

"He just makes me so MAD sometimes.  But it's not something I'm comfortable talking to other mothers about.  I'm not supposed to feel this way about my son."

Anger is an emotion all people feel, including parents.  The problem for parents, however, is that feeling angry at our children can drive us to behave in ways we'd rather not and/or make us guilt-ridden.  We may find ourselves screaming, "What is wrong with you?" Or, even if we don't scream or act angry towards our children, we may still have guilt for even feeling angry towards them.  For many of us, the ideal parent is one who loves, nurtures, and teaches, not someone who feels rage toward their child. 

Just as our children are going to be angry with us at times, so are we going to be angry with them.  Thus, similar to what Mary suggested in an earlier post, the question isn't "How do I stop being angry at my child," but rather, "How do I manage this normal and natural emotion?" 

Here's a process I suggest to get you started thinking about managing your own parental anger:

Step 1 -- Accept your anger.

When you accept your anger rather than denying it, or telling yourself you shouldn't feel it, you're apt to handle it far more effectively and/or alleviate guilt for even feeling it. 

Step 2 -- Know your hot buttons.

What behaviors send you over the edge?  Is it when your child laughs at you while telling her not to hit her sister?  How about when he ignores you? Or deliberately defies you?  How about when she whines or cries, or even hits you, because she didn't get her way? 

Make a list of your hot buttons.  Arrange them in order with the hottest buttons listed first.

Step 3 -- Understand your child will most likely perform these behaviors more than once.

We may become enraged when our child laughs in our face for the first time we tell her to stop hitting her sister, yet, when she does it again, we still have the same enraged response!  When we find a hot button, we need to accept that the likelihood of our children performing that behavior at least one more time is very high.  Knowing this means we're not taken by surprise in the future and allows for a more controlled emotional response, which leads to the next step.

Step 4 -- Visualize a controlled emotional response.

Instead of yelling, or slamming her bedroom door, imagine yourself picking up your laughing daughter, placing her gently in a chair in her room, and quietly closing the door.  Imagine how it might feel to respond this way.  You may still feel anger, but maybe it's a more calm and rational kind of anger.  Hold onto that feeling for a minute or two.  That's the feeling you want to conjure up the next time you find yourself in that particular anger-provoking situation. 

The idea here is that a "bottom-up event" is turned into a "top-down" event (Benson, 1996).  Bottom-up events occur in the environment and elicit an emotional response from the brain.  When our kid is doing something we don't like, we react emotionally to this bottom-up event.  Top-down events, on the other hand, occur in our minds rather than our environment.  The nice thing about these latter events is that we can consciously modify our emotional response to them.  This is especially helpful since many of our emotional responses to social situations occur before we've had time to consciously process them (Bargh & Williams, 2006). 

Turning that hot button behavior into a top-down event means practicing a controlled emotional response in our minds first, making it far easier to access that feeling when the real event actually occurs. 

Now, you may be wondering why you shouldn't just practice a "happy" response to the situation.  I think it's important for us to be realistic about our emotions and not pressure ourselves to never feel anger, which, if you're human, is nearly impossible anyway.  Plus, anger is a useful emotion because it signals to us that something we don't like is occurring.  Without it, our decision-making process might be just as impaired as when anger overtakes us (Damasio, 2005).  Thus, anger only becomes a "bad" emotion when we don't manage it effectively.

Finally, I want to point out that it's perfectly okay for your child to see you angry.  You can tell your child, "I'm very angry right now because you hit your sister."  Children need to know it's normal and natural to be angry.  But they also need to learn there's an effective way to express it, and modeling appropriate expressions is one way to teach that valuable lesson.   

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If you're interested in reading more about parental anger, I highly suggest one of the few books to cover this subject: Love and Anger - The Parental Dilemma, by Nancy Samalin (see our sidebar for a link).  Not only does this book provide some strategies to managing anger, just reading it can bring relief from guilt as it makes you feel like you're part of a very supportive group. 

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Bargh, J.A., and Williams, E.L. (2006).  The Automaticity of Social Life.  Current Directions in Psychological Science, 15, 1-4.

The Mommy Phase

At our house, the kids periodically go through what we call "the mommy phase" (a more politically correct term is "the primary caregiver phase," but in our house, that's me).  When one of the kids is going through this phase, he or she will insist that mama do everything for him or her.  Suddenly, tasks that were easily done on one's own, like eating or putting on clothes, become far too difficult, "requiring" mama's help.  A child who once walked everywhere -- in fact, insisted on walking everywhere -- now needs to be "up" all the time.  This phase is, obviously, rather taxing.  Especially when both children are going through it at the same time and you feel like you're being pulled in opposite directions.   

When I first experienced the mommy phase, I thought it was sort of sweet.  I gave in to my son's every demand.  I picked him up whenever he asked and was quick to provide comfort for every little bump on the knee.  It made me feel special that he wanted me and only me.  But then, after a couple of weeks, his need for mommy all the time didn't let up, and I was starting to feel more like his servant than his mother.  While he was willing to play with Daddy, he wasn't willing to let him change his diaper, put him to bed, or any of the other work a toddler (or in this case, Tod-lar) requires. 

That's when I realized my mama hormones had blinded me to a pattern noted in research (Lieberman, 1993).  After mastering some task, or reaching a developmental milestone, children are likely to be much more demanding of their primary caregiver.  It's their way of ensuring that we're still there for them after they've spent time being absorbed in learning to do something independent, like walk or pee in the potty. 

Now, knowing this tidbit of toddler psychology may seem to reinforce the need to give into the toddler's demands of mama, but I think it does just the opposite.  When my kids learn a new task that gives them some independence, I want them to keep using it.  It's not just that I don't want to do as much work (but, hey, one of the benefits of being a parent is that the kids get older and don't require as much work -- or least require a different kind of work), but the kids need to feel confident in their own abilities.  Yes, they need mama, but they don't need me ALL THE TIME FOR EVERY LITTLE THING. 

So, whenever my kids are going through the mommy phase, Husband and I continue with business as usual.  Husband will take Tod-lar to school despite his protests.  When Tod-lar demands I put his clothes on for him, I tell him he can come do it next to me while I'm doing some other task.  If he still insists I do it, I tell him he can either do it himself or he can go to school in his pajamas.  When Bah-bie is pulling on my pant leg demanding, "UP!" while I'm making dinner, I give her a quick hug and redirect her to the play room.  I let them know I'm still there for them and am happy to provide emotional support, but I'm not their servant.  I'm their mother, and my job is teach them to do these things on their own because someday they're going to be in college, and I am NOT driving to the dorm every morning to put their clothes on for them. 

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Lieberman, A. F. (1993) The Emotional Life of the Toddler. Simon & Schuster, NY.

I'd Like a Side of Empathy With My Bias, Please

In my Marriage and Family Therapy program, my professors constantly talk to us about the need to be aware of our biases.  When I started the program, this seemed very obvious to me.  "Of course, we need to be aware of our biases.  Sheesh."  But, as the school year went on, I began to realize how ingrained biases are, and how, because we're so close to them, it's hard to even see we have them. 

Biases are influenced by a person's family, friends, culture, education -- one's entire subjective and completely individual experience.  This is why even members of the same immediate family can describe totally different perceptions of their family's life, leaving their own brothers and sisters to wonder if they're even describing the same household. 

When we communicate, our word choices unintentionally convey our biases to others.  More often than not, this inflicts wounds upon the receiver of our words -- wounds never intended.  Kathrynaz, a working mother, described such a situation with her best friend, a stay-at-home-mother, in a comment to our last post:

". . . during one particular conversation in which I suggested some of her stress may be alleviated by part-time childcare assistance, she responded with a quick, "I could never do that to him" (meaning, her son). I can not tell you how much those words stung, because in that instant I knew that as many times as she had told me that we were doing what "worked the best" for each of us, she somehow placed a value that what I was choosing to do was perhaps "good enough" for my son, but not "good enough" for her own. Ouch. And this is someone who I know respects and cares a great deal about me."

Kathrynaz's best friend exposed her bias: having someone else watch her son would cause him harm.  In turn, Kathrynaz took the words of her best friend and applied them to herself.  What each of these women did in this situation is exactly what we all do as people.  We speak from our own perceptual lenses and we hear through our own perceptual lenses.  It's not wrong.  It's just what we do. 

Kathrynaz then went on to say:

"Although I think the "whatever works best" argument is a very polite remedy to dealing with the [go-to-work/stay-at-home] debate, I think we also need to probe deeper and ask ourselves if we honestly can say there is a positive value to both decisions."

Frankly, I think Kathrynaz is right.  Rather than giving the "whatever works best" argument mere lip-service, we need to put it into practice.  We need to put ourselves in the shoes of someone on the opposite side of this issue to bridge the gap so that it no longer is a debate.  We need to be aware of our biases and choose our words carefully.  At the same time, we need to take responsibility for our reactions to what others say.  For the most part, when a person is speaking from their own perceptual lens, they are not talking about us -- they are talking about themselves.  Let's give each other room to do that.   

When talking with my former friend, it never occurred to me that perhaps just talking about wanting to work conveyed the message that her choice to stay home with her children was somehow wrong.  I wish I had been more sensitive to that.  I also wish she had said something to me about it directly rather than reacting passive aggressively.  Perhaps then we could have had an honest discussion that would have clarified our feelings.  Maybe then we could have given each other space to say how we feel without it hurting the other person. 

I know what I'm saying here is not new.  I wish I had "the answer" to end what should not be a debate.  As women, we already have so much stress due to the endless number of roles we occupy (not that men don't have multiple roles, but, sadly, research shows that even women who work outside the home are still the primary caregivers when home and still perform the majority of the household chores -- but we do recognize there are always exceptions!).  Rather than debating each other on this issue, we should provide support because as Kathrynaz and other commenters pointed out, and our PiP tag-line states, it really does take a village to raise children.  And, sadly, these days, most families live far from relatives who would otherwise be that village. 

So, maybe next time you're talking to another mother, don't have that conversation in your head (thanks for the link, Kat!).  Instead, let us all be aware of our biases, practice empathy, and take responsibility for our own reactions to what the other person says.  Maybe then we can put a stop to this divisiveness.

[Now, will somebody please kick this soapbox out from underneath me?  I fear my feet may be glued to it . . . ]

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Remember the Sea Witch from the Little Mermaid, chortling as Ariel agonizes over whether to hand over her voice so as to acquire through trickery and manipulation win the love of her crush true love, Eric?

"Life," sniggers Ursula, "is full of tough choices."

Ursula is right, too.  Life is full of tough choices.  Ha!  Just wait till Ariel starts having children! Cloth or disposable? To bink or not to bink? Co-sleep or crib? Organic, commercial, or home-made baby food? Breast or bottle? Only child or siblings?

Stay at home or go to work?

Stay at home or go to work.

When I was having my babies, my choice was clear.  Had been made, in fact, years before the pregnancies.  I was going to stay home.  And so I did.  I thrived. My children thrived. 

I had done pretty well for myself, at only 24 years old. I'd made some important decisions, decisions with life-long consequences, and I was completely happy with them. I'd made the right decisions for myself and my kids.

Problem was, I thought it was the right decision for Everyone.

Mary, that reminds me of a former friend of mine who is a stay-at-home-mom.  One day she said to me, rather accusingly, "Why can't you just be satisfied with staying at home?  Why do you need to work?"  I was taken aback by her question and her tone.  I never once judged her for choosing to stay home with her kids.  I never would have even considered saying to her, "How can you be satisfied just staying at home?  Why don't you need to work?"  I never even thought it.  I respected her choice.  I thought she respected mine.  Turns out she didn't. 

For most of my children's lives, I have either worked part-time from home, or attended school full-time.  I never worked because I had to.  I worked because I wanted to.  What I thought when I was pregnant with my first child, and what I've since discovered is absolutely true -- for me -- is that I'm a better mother when I'm working or attending school.  Having that time away -- yes, I said, "away"-- from my children, allows me the opportunity to pursue those goals, which coexist, even contribute, to my goal to raise emotionally intelligent and healthy children. 

After spending a few hours in these other pursuits, I'm more centered and more present when I'm with the kids.  Don't get me wrong.  I still practice benign neglect because I believe it's important my children realize I'm a person with my own needs, and this would be harder for them to understand if they "owned" me during the time I'm home with them.  But if I wasn't pursuing other goals, I'd be very unhappy and probably feel resentment towards my family.  That unhappiness and resentment would mostly likely manifest as constant frustration, which would, undoubtedly, affect how I interact with my kids.

Now, I know there are many SAHMs who also have career goals but who choose to put them off until their children are older.  The difference, however, between those women and me, I think, is that I would not feel content during the period I was home full-time. 

Laura, your anecdote reminds me of those friends who disapproved of my choices, too.  "How can a woman of your intelligence and education be fulfilled at home?  Why are you not making better use of your brain and your skills?  Don't you feel you wasted all those years and thousands of dollars you spent getting those degrees?"  In general, I was able to dismiss these questions/accusations as having no relevance to who I was. Still, there were times, particularly if they came from a family member or someone very close, that they rankled. Maybe I should be out there, using my training and skills. Maybe I should be modeling professional success to my daughters.  Maybe I should have financial parity with my partner.

When I thought of realigning my life to fit with those 'shoulds', though, depression overwhelmed me. I couldn't live my life like that! I couldn't head out the door every morning, leaving my kids in someone else's care! Not , I emphasize, because it's wrong to do so - but because it was absolutely not right for me.

I have to confess with some embarrassment that there was a time when I would have heard Laura's explanation of her different choice as sheerest rationalization.  I really would have, and I look back on the woman I was then with some dismay.  In my defence, my judgmentalism arose not from a sense of moral superiority, but from contentment: I was perfectly happy being home with my children, using my training and skills with them, and not with a class full of children.  It was the form of parenting I'd experienced growing up, it was what I was living, and I had no real insider experience with the other choice.  In my youthful immaturity, I honestly didn't understand that other families could be just as happy and functional having made other choices.

Over the years of running my daycare, though, I have had an insider's view of working-for-pay parents and their relationship with their children. Well, as "insider" as it's possible for a non-family member to be.  I have discovered - surprise! - that working parents are good parents. (I'm still a little embarrassed that this wasn't perfectly evident to me all along, but I'm being honest with all you good people.) Certain challenges may be different between working-outside-the-home and stay-at-home parents, but their love for their children, their hopes, their worries, their dreams for their kids are the same, no matter how many hours a day they spend in their childrens' presence.

What's interesting, Mary, is that I also suffered from my own "shoulds."  For the first two years of my son's life, I felt guilt for not being content with staying at home full-time.  "What's wrong with me?" I thought.  "I shouldn't be so selfish.  I should feel perfectly happy being with my kids full-time."  Since then, however, I've come to the conclusion that my inability to be content with being a SAHM is not a character flaw.  It's simply who I am.  And pretending to be something I'm not wouldn't be better for my children.  It would be worse. 

Making the choice to stay home full-time or not with our children always reminds me of the instructions you get from the stewardess before the plane takes off: "affix the oxygen mask to your face FIRST before assisting your child."  This advice seems counter-intuitive.  But the fact is, you can't effectively assist your child until you've taken care of yourself first. 

I have learned from experience what  Laura has known all along:  parenting is only effective if it expresses who the parent really is, if it capitalizes on their strengths and works around their weaknesses.  Parenting is too important an endeavour to sacrifice yourself on the altar of a should, to try to make yourself fit a mold that just doesn't work for you.  While one should always be willing to grow and develop, you cannot live your life false to yourself.  What would that do to you?  What would that teach your children?

Stop "Shoulding" All Over Yourself

As Mary wrote in her last post, many of us suffer from the guilt of the "shoulds." 

I should not yell at my kids.  I should not say things I don't mean.  I should follow-through on whatever I say.  I should listen to my children more.  I should stay home with my children instead of working.

As Mary also pointed out, not all "shoulds" are attainable, but many are.  For the ones that are (and even those that aren't), rather than spending valuable energy and time "shoulding" all over yourself, DO something about it. 

First, collect some baseline data on that "should."  For instance, if you think you should not yell at your children, then keep a log for two or three weeks of how often you do yell.  Include short notes about the situation and how you felt physiologically right before you began shouting.  When you examine the data, you may find you don't yell nearly as much as you think.  On the other hand, maybe you really do yell too often at your children.  Now that you have clear evidence, you can implement your own intervention. 

If the data shows you only yell in a certain situation, then change the situation (just as Mary suggested!).  If it can't be changed, then stay aware of those physiological signals which tell you you're about to start shouting.  When you start to feel your heart and mind race, take a deep breath and count to ten.  Or tell your child you need a minute and walk to another room to collect yourself.  Or try changing your tone of voice.  You can even force yourself to unfurrow your brow and smile, which can help to change your internal state from angry or frustrated to at least neutral, if not happy (Adlemann & Zajonc, 1989). 

While implementing your intervention, continue to track how often you yell.  You may even want to track how often you wanted to yell, but didn't.  Seeing progress on paper can keep you motivated in practicing self-awareness and maintaining your intervention so that the new behavior you're seeking becomes the new habit.  Then, you can cross that "should" off your list! 

Sometimes parenting isn't about changing our children's behavior.  Sometimes it's about changing our own.

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*Adelmann, P. K., and Zajonc, R. B. (1989).  Facial efference and the experience of emotion.  Annual Review of Psychology, Vol. 40, pp. 249-280.