Partners in Parenting

Building Self-Esteem Without Praise

[Happy New Year from PiP!  And many thanks to my dear friend and writing partner, Mary P., for keeping PiP afloat the last few months.]

Parents are eager to build their children's self-esteem, so many parents praise their children as often as possible.  "Good job!"  "Good listening!"  "Good blinking!"  Too much praise, even to a very young child, can become meaningless.  Alternatively, it can become expected and sought out, leaving a child who doesn't receive praise for every little deed feeling insecure.  Praise is important, but it shouldn't be overused.  We want our children to have healthy self-images and not depend upon the judgments of others to give them confidence. 

But how do help our children develop healthy self-esteem?

One way to do it is by spending a little time (30-60 minutes per week) playing with our children.  I'm sure you're thinking, "Duh! Only a mean, heartless parent doesn't play with his/her kid!"  So hear me out, because this is a little different than how we normally play with our kids.

Let your child choose whatever activity he or she wishes.  (You don't need to play with her -- unless she wants you to.)  As she plays, watch her -- attentively -- without telling her how to play with the object correctly or telling her that trees aren't purple.  As you watch, describe some of what she is doing back to her without judgment (using a tone that conveys interest is essential!): "Oh, I see you're drawing a purple tree" or "you're building something tall with the red blocks."  This may sound or even feel a bit silly, but this description lets the child know that you're really noticing her and accepting her and her choices. 

Now, what I've just described may seem simple, or even obvious, but it's actually fairly difficult to do at first.  So much of what we say is filled with judgment -- even if it's just conveyed in our tone and not our actual words.  Plus, children work at a much different pace than we do.  We can look at an object, know what needs to be done with it, and do it quickly because we have the developed motor skills.  A child, on the other hand, may need to spend time attempting to put square pegs into round holes, or struggle with every little Lego for a good long minute before attaching it properly.  Watching this as an adult can feel boring or even painful, and the urge to do it for them can become overwhelming.  Ignore that urge.  Give them the necessary time.  And watch them.  When they feel us watching them and accepting them, they internalize that feeling, which lays the foundation to healthy self-esteem. 

These play-times also provide opportunities to reinforce certain desired behaviors.  For instance, if you have a child with a very active temperament, you may want to reinforce concentration or carefulness.  "I can see you're really taking your time putting one block on top of the other."  Again, you're not judging her, or even praising her, but merely stating what you're observing, which can reinforce this desired behavior or at very least help her differentiate careful from careless behavior. 

Praise is not wrong or bad.  It's just overused.  (I'll do a future post on praise because it's still important!)  Observing and describing, however, is often underutilized.  But such experiences are incredibly meaningful to children and help them develop a healthy sense of self. 

Q&A -- My Inattentive Toddler

Shiso Mama recently sent us this question:

I've been working hard to encourage independent play, and would like to exercise more benign neglect with my 16-month old.  He's free to explore most of the house, he has toys within reach, and he has cabinets to dig through in the kitchen while I cook.  We have not purchased a lot of toys, opting for blocks and other wooden toys, books, and various props that we encourage him to "pretend" with like old telephones.

He seems to be doing okay for the most part, but I've been noticing that his attention span is short (not surprising) and he spends little time really playing with any of his toys.  For example, I just can't get him interested in his blocks.  Sometimes, he seems to get frustrated easily, but he's too impatient to have you help him.  But for the most part, he'll pick up a toy, interact very briefly, and then move on to the next object.  He's pretty active, and loves to run around, but sometimes it just seems like he's not interested in playing with real toys and only wants to explore.

Are we not providing the proper toys?  We're not interested in buying a lot of toys, especially of the noise-making or plastic variety, but could be persuaded to consider a few more if that were the proper solution.  We recently gave him a set of nesting bowls, and we were surprised to see him play with them for a solid 10 minutes, which he almost never does.  We did notice that when he couldn't fit them in the proper order, he got mad and yelled.  Is this kind of extended play a skill we need to teach him?  I guess we have generally encouraged exploration more than play up until now.

First, I don't blame you for not wanting to buy a bunch of plastic, noisy toys designed (most likely) by people who don't have kids!  Second, there's actually a lot going on with this question, so I'm going to break things down a bit.

Sustained Attention in Toddlers

As you say, it's not surprising your son's attention span is very short.  The literature on this topic doesn't provide actual estimates for how long a 16-month old should be able to sustain attention on a given object because it really depends upon the toddler.  But I will tell you that studies examining this question only provide their toddler subjects with 3 - 5 minute problem solving tasks, like nested bowls (Choudhury & Gorman, 2000; Ruff, Lawson, Parrinello, & Weissberg, 1990).  So, the fact your son was able to sustain attention for a solid ten minutes on those bowls is great! 

It should also be noted that sustained attention is linked to one's ability to inhibit physical activity or impulse control (Ruff, et al., 1990)  Inhibition requires maturation of the brain's frontal lobes, which a toddler is only beginning to undergo (Eliot, 1999).  If, on top of this lack of inhibition, your toddler has an active temperament, which it sounds like he has, then I especially wouldn't expect him to want to play with toys requiring him to be sedentary for very long! 

Active Toys for Active Toddlers

It sounds like you've done a nice job providing your son with a child-friendly house for him to explore on his own.  This is exactly what an active toddler (or any toddler, for that matter) needs. 

However, you might also consider getting him one or two mobile toys.  Push-toys, especially silent ones with containers attached, like lawnmowers (I'm thinking of one in particular, but I can't find the link!), are great for active toddlers.  After pushing it around the house for a while, he might pick up those neglected blocks and put them in the lawnmower and deliver them to another location in the house.  Or, he might just push them around for another 420 million laps.  As he gets older, he'll become more interested in actually building with those blocks, but right now pushing them around might be just the thing to keep him engaged in extended play.

Explore First, Play Later!

That's not to say, however, that exploring itself, moving from location to location and item to item, is unimportant or should be discouraged.  Exploring actually precedes play and is necessary for gathering information about the environment and the objects in it (Berger, K.S., 2005).  At some point, he'll be less interested in exploring the house and all its objects (been there! done that!) and begin to single out items to play with for extended periods.  (Keeping in mind, of course, that the extended period will still be quite short!)  But right now he's also probably delighting in the mastery of his motor skills.

Emotion Coaching Helps Problem Solving

As toddlers engage in more problem solving tasks, like the nested bowls, they can feel very frustrated with the process.  They're impatient because something isn't working, but they don't want help.  Times like this are actually a great opportunity to help children begin the process of understanding and managing their own emotions. 

When your son cries out in frustration, label that emotion for him.  You can get down to his level and say, "Frustrated?  You feel frustrated, don't you?"  By doing this, you not only provide a simple label for a complex feeling, but you also demonstrate empathy.  And even if he's not very verbal yet, after a few times, he'll make the association between his feeling and the word "frustration."  You'll find, after a little time, that just saying the label will have a soothing effect, enabling him to recover from the incident much more quickly.  The idea here is that the label engages the language center located in the brain's left lobe, which is also the center of logic.  This may help the child to focus and become more calm, enabling better problem solving (Gottman, 1997)!

Offering Help to the Independent Toddler

Finally, as your son recovers from feeling frustrated, ask him, "Help?  Do you want help?"  He may shake his head, or he may actually want you to help him.  If it's the latter situation, then give him words he can use (even if he's not yet talking), "Say, 'Help, please!'"  Then proceed to help him with his task.

When you first start emotion coaching and offering help, your son may just cry and be resistant.  This is totally normal.  Just keep at it!  As the association between the label and his feeling is made, he'll feel better knowing mommy understands him.  (Obviously, he won't understand this conceptually, but that will be his experience!)    

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Berger, K.S. (2005).  The Developing Person Through the Life Span.  New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

Choudhury, N. and Gorman, K.S. (2000).  The relationship between sustained attention and cognitive performance in 17-24-month old toddlers.  Infant and Child Development, 9, 127-146.

Gottman, J. (1997).  Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child.  New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Ruff, H.A., Lawson, K.R., Parinnello, R., and Weissberg, R.  (1999).  Long-term stability of individual differences in sustained attention in the early years.  Child Development, 61, 60-75.