Partners in Parenting

It's All About Balance

Prepare to be astounded:

Now, if you've had much to do with 4-year-olds, you know that most of them find it sufficiently challenging to clap at the right time in "If You're Happy and You Know It". This child is a genius. I mean that quite literally. I am not exaggerating in any way. If he becomes anything other than a musician when he grows up, I'll be astonished.

Why is he so talented? Well, it's his dad playing the bass in the background, so he comes from a musical family. It's probably in his genes. And yet, there's that full drum kit with sound-absorbing wall in behind it. Someone is sure giving him the opportunity to develop his talent.

With stuff like this - extraordinary talent, evidence of genius - we don't have too much trouble attributing it to genes. Without the support he's getting, he might never have discovered his talent, but the support doesn't create the talent. That's innate. Not many people would argue that.

But what of other traits? What of kindliness, sociability, ambition, patience, thoughfulness, extroversion, love of books, love of sports, stick-to-it-tiveness, and on and on and on? Very often as parents we attribute the development (or lack thereof) of any of these or a gazillion other traits entirely onto things we have or have not done. Is this fair? Is this reasonable?

There is a balance between innate and environment, but I feel strongly that in our culture, we place the balancing point at the wrong spot.  I believe that as parents, we burden ourselves tremendously with exaggerated notions of our own potency in our childrens' lives.

Please understand:  We are important. We are, for the first years of our childrens'  lives, supremely important. We have the power to foster, to guide, to nurture, or to squelch, demean and discourage. What we don't have is the power to make our child other than what he/she is. Some of what our child is, is simply innate. It is who s/he is. How much is innate is up for discussion; knowing that some is innate neither gets us off the hook, parentally, nor makes our contribution worthless. But parenting is a contribution to who your child will become. It is not the beginning, middle, and end, the be-all and end-all.

Without the drum kit, this child may never have discovered his talent - but he'd still have it. Without the talent, all the drum kits, lessons, and practice in the world wouldn't turn him into this kind of a drummer. In this area of his life, his parents have helped him discover who he is; they didn't make him who he is.

I think this is true of all areas of our childrens' lives. And that, fellow parents, is a good thing.

I'm Calling Yoooooou...

What to do when your child appears to be deaf - and you know that's not the issue?? A reader gave us this dilemma a little while back:

My 21-month-old daughter ignores me when I call her name. Usually, I am trying to get her attention on me to ask her a question, or make a request, or get her to come over to me to, for example, give her a sippy cup or change her diaper. I usually have to say her name a number of times. Obviously, I am not asking how to get her attention when she is deeply involved in something (building blocks, or watching TV  -- I know better than that). Just general "look at me please" attention. Also, I worry because sometimes when I have to get her to stop doing something (for example, walking too far in our yard, which ends in a rocky hillside), I call out, "Stop!" and she doesn't. I am sure it's not a hearing issue.

What is the best way to get a child's attention? I don't want to raise my voice as I repeat her name. And it scares me when I say, "Stop" or "wait" and she keeps on trucking!

Some children will gaze at you in wide-eyed wonder whenever you whisper their name. Stop in their tracks, make eye contact, await your words. I think those kids exist only in Hallmark fantasies, but they sure are nice, aren't they?

While attending is something a minutes-old infant can do, attending on command does not come naturally. It is taught. It's taught in a thousand happy interactions, each time a parent speaks to their baby and smiles adoringly, laughs when baby looks towards them.

By 21 months, this little girl certainly knows her name. So how do you get her to attend to it? Most learning at this age is best accomplished by making a game of it. Ask yourself some quesitons. What is the behaviour I'm after?  (Be as specific as possible.) How can we make a game of this?

In this case, what the mother wants is: the child to stop and make eye contact the first time mom speaks her name. Mom is careful not to be unreasonable about this: she knows that when the child is heavily involved in a task, she may not hear. (If you need the child's attention when they're very occupied, the best way is simply to go to them, get down on their level, and touch them while speaking their name. But you all know that!) However, the majority of the time, it is reasonable to expect a child this age to respond to their name the first  (or maybe the second) time it's spoken.

If you find yourself having to repeat the child's name half a dozen times, every time? If they never look at you until you're so exasperated you have to shout? You have a child who's trained you!

Let's see our goals. I want the child to make eye contact with me. What's a fun way to get eye contact? I'll bet you all have one, but you've never thought of it as a teaching tool. A couple spring to my mind - hide and seek, and peek-a-boo. Let's go with peek-a-boo. Now, how to turn this simple game into an Experience of Learning?

Let's see. You take your turn, then let baby take hers. When she takes her turn, call her name in delighted tones when she pops her hands off her eyes. Play it that way for a few rounds, and then start saying her name first. Call it out in the same tones you'd use for "peek!" (Or whatever word/phrase you use in your family version of the game!) If her name sounds like part of the game, she will probably respond by popping those eyes open and looking right at you. Bingo! Just the behaviour you're after!

Then you bridge the gap a bit between this game and non-play. "I see your eyes! Do you see mummy's eyes? Eyes!" Then play it over and over. Each time she opens her eyes to your calling her name, exclaim about seeing her eyes. In this way, she'll learn what "look at my eyes" means.

Then, next time you call her and she doesn't look up, you can walk over to her, tap her shoulder or take her chin gently in your hand. "When mummy says your name, you need to look at my eyes." Smile into her eyes. Now she knows what it means, and she's learning a new application for it.

Of course, you can make a game of this, too. When she knows what "look at my eyes" means, you can practice that, as a game. Turn her away from you. Call her name. She spins around and looks at your eyes. Throw it out at her at random times in the day, and whenever she remembers, laugh and clap. If she doesn't, your reminder should be light-hearted. "Oops! You forgot the eye game! Let's try it again." Keep it light and fun, though. If it's not fun, if it becomes too intense, she'll resist, and it will become a flashpoint for a power struggle. If you see resistance to the game, stop immediately.

 

And of course, it's only fair that she do the same for you. When she calls out "mumma! dadda!" you
have to stop and look at her! Eventually, when you call her name, you can use just the word "eyes" in a cautionary tone. A simple reminder cue word. "Emmet? Eyes?"

I use a similar technique for teaching them to stop when called. When out in public, I practice with the tots the "freeze" game. In a safe area, I let them wander away from me, and then I'll call out "freeze!" If they manage to freeze, I cheer and clap and make a big to-do. If they don't, it's "oops! you didn't freeze!" and we try it again. At 21 months, though, it's unlikely that a child will be tremendously reliable. Their attention span is short, and their impulse control very limited. At this point, the game is only intended to teach a concept that will be applied more rigorously in a few months. You're laying the groundwork for the future.

So that rocky hillside in your yard? For the next little while, it'll be up to you to keep her away from it, generally by simply stopping her and lifting her away. She's probably a little too young to be relied upon to respond to a solely verbal cue to keep her out of trouble! She'll manage it part of the time, but not 100% - and that hill probably requires 100%.

Q&A -- Social Anxiety in a 3-year-old

Julie recently sent us this question:

Is it possible for a 3-year-old to have social anxiety?

My son turned 3 on August 12.  He does not like to play with other children.  I understand the concept of "parallel play," but I don't think this is a case of "he's just content to parallel play with kids."

When we get ready to go to the park, he says, "I hope there aren't any other kids there."  When I ask him why he doesn't want there to be other kids there for him to play with, he says either "The kids don't like me," or "I don't like kids."

This summer, I tried to take him to Bible School.  On the ride over, he kept saying, "I'm so excited to go to school."  He completely understood that there would be a teacher there and he said, "I know I have to listen to the teacher."  He then asked if there would be kids there.  When I said, "yes," his whole expression changed, like he was terrified of the thought that there would be other kids there. 

The minute we got to the registration table, he was completely overwhelmed and had a major meltdown.  I took him to the room for the 3-year-olds and introduced him to the teacher and tried to get him to sit on the rug with the other kids.  My son ran out of the room crying and didn't want anything to do with the teacher or the kids.  I told him I would stay with him, but he kept saying, "let's just go, Mama.  I don't want to stay here."  He wouldn't even sit on my lap with me on the rug while the teacher started the lesson.  He is registered to start preschool this fall, and I know that the scene above is destined to be replayed if I don't figure out how to handle his "anxiety."

Also, you should know by way of background that I'm working mom.  For two and half years, my son attended an in-home daycare situation where there were other kids for him to play with.  He was generally fine going there.  Occasionally, he'd have phases of separation anxiety, but nothing I ever thought was abnormal.  I had another baby last fall, so for the last 6 months, we've had a nanny.  He does not have the day-to-day interaction with other kids his age, but we do spend time with kids in the neighborhood, and he goes to the library, the pool, the park, etc., where there are other kids, but he never wants to interact with them.

Julie, there isn't a whole lot of literature on social phobia in young children.  What I can tell you, though, is that it's very common for preschoolers aged 3 to 5 to exhibit anxiety, especially social anxiety (Spence, Rapee, McDonald, & Ingram, 2001).  And, a child with a shy temperament is more likely to have more social fears than kids who are more active and extroverted (Lieberman, 1993).  Temperamentally shy children tend to be highly sensitive to stimulation, they require time to gradually adapt to change, and they usually try to avoid anxiety-inducing situations. 

What's interesting is that your son worries about interacting with other kids prior to their even being present.  This worry and his comment that "kids don't like me" suggest he may be concerned about being judged by them. Being judged is a major fear for people diagnosed with Social Phobia, an anxiety disorder that typically emerges during the mid-teen years but can emerge in early childhood.  BUT -- being judged is also the reason behind social fears in older preschoolers, generally aged 4 to 5 years (Spence, et al., 2001).  Also, children suffering from SP typically have the capacity for social relationships with familiar people of all age groups and only fear strangers -- but again, from all age groups.  In fact, playing with other kids is a social situation children diagnosed with SP usually don't fear (Chandler).  So, it's also interesting that your son was excited to meet his teacher for the first time and was only distressed at the thought of meeting his peers. 

(Obviously, I don't know whether or not your son has a shy temperament or Social Phobia, but I thought information regarding both might be useful to you.)

Now, having said all that, to help your son with his transition to preschool, I suggest providing him with gradual exposure to peer social situations before school begins.  Gradual exposure is not only helpful for temperamentally shy children, it's also a very common and highly effective behavioral treatment for people experiencing phobias. 

You could start the exposure by inviting a neighborhood child (or, even better, a child he'll be attending preschool with) and his or her parent over for a play-date.  Tell your son in advance of the play-date.  If he expresses worry, try to talk with him about it without pressuring him.  Also, don't tell him there isn't anything to be worried about.  Instead, just listen to him and tell him that the two of you will work through his concerns together.  You can say something along the lines of, "I don't know what's going to happen during the play-date, but why don't we just see what happens, and if you feel uncomfortable, I will be here the entire time and we can talk about it."  You want to validate his feelings while providing reassurance.

Have someone else watch your baby so you can give your son your full attention and support while he's experiencing this possible anxiety-inducing situation.  You may also want to have your husband there to entertain the visiting parent if necessary.  When the child and parent arrive, have toys available so the visiting child can begin playing.  Suggest to your son that he play with the toys as well but don't suggest he play with the child.  If he refuses the toys, tell him it's okay, he doesn't have to.  But try keep him in the same room as the visiting child.  If the stress proves to be too much for him, give him time to calm down and talk through his concerns a bit, but then tell him you need to visit with the guests.  Give him the option to play by himself in the other room or visit.  Giving him this option shows support and provides quiet encouragement since he may want to be near you.  If your son opts to stay near you and watch the other child with the toys, this is good.  Watching is actually considered another type of play in and of itself and is referred to as onlooker play. 

As the visit continues, see if your son's anxiousness dissipates at all before your guests leave. Then, a day or two later, try another play-date with the same child, if possible. 

From there, you can try taking him to the park where there are more kids.  Again, have someone else watch your baby, so you can provide your son with your full attention and support.  If he chooses to only watch the other kids play, as I said earlier, this is good and normal.  He just may not be ready to engage in associative play (wherein two or more kids interact together).  Again, observe his anxiousness level before arriving at that park and see if it dissipates prior to leaving it.

In all these situations, document his behavior so you can see if there's any improvement.  You may find that with each exposure, it takes less time for his anxiety to dissipate.

This gradual exposure may show him that other children aren't scary, which will help him when he starts preschool.  Also, before school starts, talk to his teacher about his situation so s/he can provide your son support as he makes the transition.  He will most likely still have a meltdown when he starts school, but having the gradual exposure first may lesson the occurrence of those meltdowns. 

If, however, you feel your son's response to these situations is extreme (absolutely refusing to go to go to the park, or school every single time), then you may want to have a child psychologist evaluate him.  Behavioral interventions with phobias are highly successful -- especially with children. 

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Spence, S.H., Rapee, R., McDonald, C., Ingram, M. (2001).  The structure of anxiety symptoms among preschoolers.  Behavior Research and Therapy, 39, 1293-1316.

A Sticky Social Situation

We received a question from  Meredith, asking "how do you teach preschoolers to be polite to others while still giving them the freedom of not being friends with children whom they don't like?"

On the surface, this question is straightforward, but as any parent knows, it’s not really. On the surface, you may say, “If she doesn’t like little Suzie, she doesn’t always have to play with her, just so long as she’s polite about it.”

It’s more complicated than that, for a bunch of reasons:

- kids are generally too straightforward for polite evasions and will just blurt out something unacceptably blunt;
- the children being rejected may not get it, and will persist, forcing a stronger response;
- you may like the other child, and want to encourage your child to be friends;
- even when you agree with your child’s feelings about the other child, you may like the child’s parent, and not want to insult your friend by supporting your child;
- you don’t want to create social upheaval in the tot lot;
- you are afraid of the other parents’ reaction
- anger, resentment, hurt;
- you may value extroversion, and see unwillingness to make friends as a weakness in your child;
-  you want to protect your child from the stigma of being labelled negatively (unfriendly, over-sensitive, socially backward, etc);
- you want to protect yourself from the stigma of being the mother of that negatively-labelled child.

I’m sure there are more. Phew! Suddenly, this is very complicated!

From the child’s perspective, it’s simple.  “Go away. I don’t want to play with you.” The other child goes away. There! Problem solved.

For the adult, there are many more layers of action and reaction. Not all of these are relevant to your child. How the other parents will view you based on your child’s behaviour, for example, is your issue, not your child’s. Try to be clear on what is motivating your response. Is it concern for your child’s social development, or are you personally fearful or embarrassed? Once you have sorted that out, you can deal with your child’s behaviour. 

In fact, the child in the story did very well.  On this occasion, she had had enough of the other child, and told her "I need a break from you."

You know what?  That was a really good way to handle it. Now, an adult hears that phrase and knows it includes "you're getting on my nerves", but the little girl didn't say that. She spoke only of herself - "I need". That's very good.

The parents in the story found it a little harsh, though, and when the other child persisted and their daughter followed up with "Go swim in the pool", they were even more concerned. Again, given that the children in question are no more than four years old (possibly less, I'm not entirely sure), they're doing very well. The little girl was clear about her needs, and then offered another possible activity to the child she didn't want to play with. The other child, apparently, took it on the chin and toddled off. Clear communication; conflict avoided. The kids did well!

It is not wrong for a child to state their needs. "I need a break from you", while not the most tactful thing she could have said, is not, for a three-year-old, rude. It is a clear and factual expression of her needs at that moment.  Sometimes, no matter how sensitive we are, the other guy will be offended by our expression of our needs. That does not mean we have been rude! We need not to project this social skittishness upon our children.

When the child went one step further and told the other girl to "go swim in the pool", she was awfully close to the polite-rude line, and may have crossed it, just a bit.  Certainly, she might be accused (by the other child's mother, most likely) of being bossy. Or you could say that she was applying necessary force. For me, it's a tough call. Again, I see this as an issue of tact, not a huge violation of manners.

Still, for parental comfort and your child's ongoing social development, you will want to teach them more tactful ways of dealing with this situation, as it's a very common one.

Firstly, there are times when you just have to make nice to someone you don't particularly like. We all do. It's a necessary social skill.  So, if you think she can cope without WWIII breaking out, you may expect her to play with the other child for at least a few minutes. (Not if the child is physically aggressive or deliberately hurtful. There are times to protect our children from abuse. But even a socially gawky other-person's child needs some lovin', too - and some social practice!)

Do some pre-planning. "When we go to the pool, Annoying Child might be there. Would you enjoy playing with her?"  You might be surprised by the answer. Kids can enjoy playing with someone with whom they mostly squabble. Sigh.

Part of the pre-planning is to give the child useful social phrases. "I would like to play by myself right now."  "I would like to be with just my mummy/daddy right now."  "I'm ready to go home now."

Practice these at home. Pretend to be the other child, and let your child use the phrase until she knows when to use it and can say it comfortably.

Obviously, these solutions are for a child who can speak well.  If they haven't the words for such exchanges, they are probably playing much closer to a parent's foot -- and immediate adult assistance!

One last word on the issue of politeness: Being polite does not mean the other person will always be happy with you. Sometimes, no matter how polite you are, the other person will be disappointed, or annoyed, or even hurt. Good manners show respect to the other party; they show that you are trying to treat them with kindness and consideration. After that, the other person's response is their responsibility. And, we hope, they treat you with the same good manners you treat them!

So maybe what it does boil down to after all is where we started:  “If she doesn’t like little Suzie, she doesn’t always have to play with her, just so long as she’s polite about it.”