Kylei sent us this question recently:
I have a 2 1/2 month old who has slept with us in our bed from day one. It has worked out very well. In fact, I have not missed any sleep at night since she was two weeks old. The thing is, she can sleep just fine at night as long as she's in our bed. She takes a deep breath once we place her on the bed, and I can tell she feels safe and comfortable because she knows that's her (or our) spot. Our bed is the one place we can sit her down and walk out of the room and have her feel safe and comfortable (in other words, not crying).
My question is: how do I wean her from the bed and at what age? She has a blankie and a little stuffed animal that we keep on the bed and only use for bed time. Will those things help her with the transition when it comes?
We do not by any means want her out of our room anytime soon. I am just worried because it is all she knows, and I do not want her to feel alone or scared when we do move her.
Any ideas on the best way to make a safe and easy transition? Also, what's the best age to transition her? I am not wiling to give up that time with her now since I work form 7-6 most days, and it feels like the only time I get to be close to her.
Before answering your questions, I'd like to congratulate you on not missing any sleep since your little one was a mere two weeks old! Obviously, the combination of your individual temperaments and co-sleeping has created a very successful situation for all of you. A successful co-sleeping situation is one where everyone gets a good night sleep!
When to Transition from the Family Bed
There isn't any magic age at which to transition a child from family bed to his/her own bed. Some parents opt to do it when weaning the baby. Others feel they want their marital bed back before the child is a year old. And some parents don't make the decision at all. Instead, the child, usually age 2 or older, decides on his/her own to sleep in the "big boy/girl bed." In the latter situation, it's usually the parents who have a hard time making the transition!
At this point, because you're all happy with co-sleeping, there's no need to determine right now when to transition her. You, your partner, and maybe even your daughter, will know the best time to do it. However, here are two situations which may tell you it's time:
1) One of you is no longer sleeping, and it's been more than two weeks. Some children go through periods when they need more food than usual, so even a child who always slept through the night may temporarily need night feedings but will resume the usual sleeping schedule after a week or two. If, however, it's been longer than two weeks, then the waking may be due to another reason. In fact, it could be that the child will sleep more comfortably in his/her own bed. But whatever the reason, the situation is no longer working for all involved.
As I said earlier, a successful co-sleeping arrangement is one where everyone sleeps. If even one of you begins to sleep less as your daughter grows older, moves around more, takes up more space, and maybe even begins to talk in her sleep, then you may want to consider transitioning her (or working out an alternative space solution, such as purchasing a bigger bed, or using a sidecar), particularly if you or your partner starts to resent the situation.
2) You or your partner wishes to take back the marital bed. Some parents who start out co-sleeping begin to miss the intimacy of their marital bed. Again, to avoid resentment, you and your partner should openly discuss this. (But, remember, you can always opt to be creative and take sex out of the bedroom!)
Many parents may feel that co-sleeping is so important to their child's emotional development, they'll do it even when all parties aren't sleeping or happy with the situation. Keep in mind the sleep research shows co-sleeping is not better than independent sleeping, or vice versa. What's important is that everyone sleeps and the arrangement does not cause a rift between the parents.
Transitioning from the Family Bed
Just like there is no exact age at which to transition a child to his/her own bed, there is also no one way to do it. That said, however, the transition should be done gradually and slowly. Allow it to occur over several weeks or even a few months. And when your daughter first begins sleeping in her own bed and room, you should promptly respond when she calls for you, so she knows you're still there. Then, after a week or so, begin delaying your response, giving her the opportunity to soothe herself.
Otherwise, here are some ideas for transitioning her:
1) Long before even considering the transition, put her down in your bed using a routine that doesn't require you sleeping next to her to help her fall asleep. Right now, you can put her down and walk out of the room without her crying. This is great! However, when she hits 4 or five months, she may begin crying when you leave. At that time, if you set up a nap-time and nighttime routine that allows her to fall asleep on her own, she'll have an easier time with the transition, and you can use the same routine when moving her to her own bed. The routine (which will, obviously, change as she gets older) provides environmental cues that it's time for sleep, which may actually help her to feel sleepy! It will also help her feel secure because she'll know what's coming next.
2) Speak with her in advance about the transition. Even if she's still very young and doesn't yet speak, show her her bed and say, "For night night. For night night."
3) Let her play in her crib/bed by herself for a bit during the day. If she's still really young, put her in the crib for about 15 minutes with some soft toys. This will get her used to the bed and show her it's not a scary place.
4) Rather than immediately transitioning her out of your room, put her bed in your room. After a few weeks, or even a few months, move it to her room.
5) Begin transitioning her only during naps. Once she's comfortable with that arrangement, begin the nighttime transition.
6) Having attachment items for her, such as her stuffed animal and blankie, is a great idea and will definitely help to comfort her.
7) Send her to bed with one of your worn, unwashed t-shirts so she can smell you. Given she feels so secure in your bed now, just the smell of you may provide her comfort -- especially if she's still under a year when you transition her.
Basically, just keep the lines of communication open with your spouse and continue observing everyone's sleeping behavior. You'll know when and how to make that transition!
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