Partners in Parenting

Squealing Tot

Julie has a problem I'm sure a lot of you can relate to!

My 15-month-old son will squeal at such a pitch as to cause terrible pain in our eardrums. He will squeal when he is frustrated, not getting his own way, having to sit in one spot too long (eg. Out for dinner, or in the stroller shopping)…normal toddler issues. What can we do to stop this? Should we ignore it and cause the general public to also deal with ear pain? Or is it time to start some discipline with timeouts?

This is a tremendously common toddler behaviour, particuarly at this age, when language is generally so limited.  It is a way to express their feelings, and it's generally hugely effective at getting what they want. For the toddler, it's a win-win. Not so much for the parents and any innocent bystanders!

What to do?

First, whenever possible, avoid the squealing by dealing with the situation before it gets to that point. (I'm quite sure you already do this, but I can't skip it and have everyone assuming I don't do this first, too!) Take the tot from the high chair as soon as he's done; leave the mall when he gets restless. Bring toys to distract and snacks to keep the blood sugar stable.

If squealing starts, speaking simply and firmly, identify the problem, and give the child a positive option. "Suzie! Too loud. You want down? Use your quiet voice. Quiet voice."  When you say "quiet voice", say it quietly. Model a quiet voice. You may have to put your lips right to the child's ear in order to be heard over the racket she's making!

Sometimes, particularly when we're in public, I will point out some distraction in a whisper in the child's ear. ("Oh! Freddie! Look at that fire truck! See the fire truck? It has ladders and hoses. Maybe the firemen are going to a fire. Do you think the truck is going to a fire?") Often very effective, and a quick fix for public squealing.

As far as misbehaviour in public: At home you will have to put up with yowls of protest as you teach a new behaviour or raise your expectations of your child. However, I believe it is inconsiderate to inflict this on the surrounding public. If the child isn't calm in short order, I always leave. Don't worry: this doesn't mean that you're training your child to misbehave in public: the real training for good behaviour anywhere happens at home. Innocent bystanders do not need to spend 20 minutes caught in the crossfire of someone else's battle. (I'm aware that this is a multi-layered subject of a much longer post, but that's my working principle in these situations.)

Third, and the most important, a principle applicable to almost any behaviour you wish to eliminate: don't reward the behaviour!  Whatever the child wants to achieve by the squealing, make sure it doesn't happen!  For example, if she's squealing for attention, put your hands over your ears and walk away. Remove your attention.

(It is not necessary to say anything to the child. The most you need say is, "Oh! Too loud!" with an unhappy frown. Then leave, hands over ears. Body language will speak as well as words. You can prevent him/her following you by having a baby gate up. You can either step past the gate, leaving the child behind, or you may put the child on the other side of the gate. But do not be bathing the child in words and explanations as you do this - words and explanations, even scoldings, are attention.)

Another example, with a couple more options:  Baby wants down from the high chair.

Be sensitive to whatever (non-squealing) cues she's giving you; use words to confirm her cues. "You want down? All right! I can get you down!"

If she squeals, offer an alternative to squealing. Words if she can speak, and/or signals if she can't.  "You want down from the high chair? Say 'down, please'!"  As you say 'down, please', you rap on the chair's tray with both hands. Take your baby's hands and smack them on the tray as you repeat "Down, please! Down, please!"  This sort of thing can very quickly become a game.

A variation of the above is to add the remove-attention tactic. "I can't help you when you yell at me. No yelling. I'll help you when you're quiet."  Then you very deliberately turn your back on your child.  Wait fifteen seconds or so, then turn around and try  with the alternate again. ("Say 'Down, please!''' and slap the tray with baby's hands.)

As baby gets the idea, raise the bar. It shouldn't be too long - two or three weeks - before baby understands what "No yelling. Quiet voice," means, and that it's more effective to rap on the tray than squeal.  Not every time, but you'll see substantive progress.

And if you're discouraged by slow progress, be assured that this behaviour is generally 'just a phase', and that it will fade as their vocabulary improves. It's good to make the point now, though, lest you find yourself, in another few months, being screeched at -- in actual words!

Biting

We recently received questions from Priya and Tertia about biting.  Biting is every parents nightmare.  We don't want our kids to be known as "the biter."  We don't want our kids to hurt others.  And we certainly don't want our kids getting kicked out of school or daycare for biting.  So what do we do?

Well, before Mary answers that question for us, let's first take a look at why children bite (Davis & Keyser, 1997; see the book in our sidebar!):

1)  Anger -- some kids hit when angry, others bite.

2)  Feeling out of control -- biting can offer temporary relief from such an uncomfortable feeling.

3)  Limited verbal abilities -- the child may want to express his anger or frustration, but simply doesn't have the vocabulary to do so.

4)  Communication -- maybe even if they do have the verbal skills, they may find biting to be a more efficient way to communicate, "Get out of my way!"

5)  Teething pain -- the pain in their gums may create the impetus to bite as a way to offer relief.

6)  Imitation -- the scary thing about biting is that it can sometimes run rampant in schools or daycare settings.  When one child does it, all the children may start imitating him or her!  They may also imitate it as a way to explore how it feels to bite another person.

7)  Experimentation -- they may want to know what happens when they bite.  In particular, they may want to know how their peers versus their parents react to it.

8)  Tension release -- again, biting may offer some feeling of relief.

9)  Attention -- if a child bites someone, that child is certainly going to get attention from one person, if not more!

10) Power -- it can feel powerful to bite.  It sends a message to the bite-ee that the biter is dominant, and, because people respond so quickly, that powerful feeling is enhanced because the biter's action made all those other people react.

11) Impulse -- sometimes, kids don't even want to bite another person.  They just need to bite.  Did you ever bite your pencils when you were in kindergarten?  I did!

So now we know why kids bite.  Mary, tell the people what they can do!

Knowing the why's doesn't help when you have a child who's taking chunks out of their family and friends. You can't tolerate repeated bitings while you wait for the child to outgrow these factors. That can take weeks or even months! What do you do in the meantime?

1. As far as possible, keep your child out of situations that are likely to lead to a bite. When you see the frustration rising, intervene. Help her identify and communicate her feelings. If the frustration is too great for calm intervention, remove her from the situation. The debrief can come later, when she's calm enough.

2. Should a bite occur:

a) Give the injured child copious amounts of sympathetic attention, first, before you even so much as look at the biter. (What to do with Mr. Teeth in the meantime? You keep him right beside you, with your arm around him. But you're not looking at him, and you're not talking to him. If he can't/won't stand with you, he goes to a time out, preferably where he can see and hear your interactions with the injured child.) We don't want to reward the biter with huge amounts of attention - and remember, to a toddler, attention is attention. Even if they're being scolded, that's attention.

b) Part of what you say to the victim is intended for the aggressor, but you don't make that clear. As you give the other child a hug and maybe kissed the bo-bo, you will say things like, "I bet that hurt, didn't it? I bet it makes you sad when your friend hurts you. Mr. Teeth must have been upset, but that doesn't mean he can bite.  He needs to learn to use his words, not his teeth.  Don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Teeth will soon learn to Use His Words."

(Yes, it's preachy, but subtle doesn't get you far with toddlers.)

c) If the skin has been broken, it will be necessary to wash and disinfect the wound.  If she's calm enough, the aggressor can watch this, again, while being completely ignored; if she's still too upset, she can go to time out.

3. Once the victim has had a few minutes of consoling attention, they can be sent to play. The biter now gets your attention. Hopefully, by now they're somewhat calmer, and they've also seen that biting doesn't get them lots of intense, immediate attention.

I generally kneel in front of the child, make firm eye contact, and act tremendously shocked and dismayed. "I can't believe a nice little boy like you would bite someone! You're not a wild animal, you're a little boy. It's okay to be upset, but people don't bite. When you're upset, you use your words."  Now, I'm not angry, mind you, I'm just very, very shocked.

I give the child a few seconds to absorb my utter dismay, then I relax, smile, and draw the child into a warm hug. "I'll bet you're sad you hurt your friend. I'll bet next time you'll use your words, right?"

This generally gets a nod. Should there be another incident, the follow-up would have more dismay and less comforting in it, and a longer, more deliberately punitive time out.

The theatrics go a long way to teaching and preventing further episodes -- the empathy with the injured child; the shock, dismay, then the warm reassurance of the aggressor. Is it manipulative? I don't think so. Small children are still learning the emotional ropes of life. I am simplifying and exaggerating my response, but the response is real. Biting is a shocking thing to do. (Imagine another adult biting you, and test your response.) It's so common as to be within normal behaviour patterns for a child under the age of three, but that doesn't make it acceptable.

This is the response I typically use, and generally the biting is eliminated within a month.

Quelling the FOOD FIGHT! Impulse

This Q&A comes from a couple of mothers who are dealing with a very common toddler behaviour: food-flinging at meal times.  Says Melissa (whose daughter is 15 months old), “I've tried every response from ignoring it, telling her firmly that food is for eating and not for throwing, and taking the tray of food away. None seems to have any lasting effect. (I should admit that I don't take the food away unless she's almost done, as it seems kind of hard-ass to deprive her of food for doing something that is not really harmful to her or anyone else, just irritating to me.)”

Betsy has pretty much the same problem with her 19-month-old son, except that it’s complicated by the fact that he’s using this behaviour to signal that he’s done his meal! Even though Betsy tells him firmly, “No throwing, [takes] the plate away... and [puts] him down on the floor”, she rightly wonders how effective this is “since he was done eating anyway -- it's no loss to him to get down from the chair and stop eating.”

My response to Melissa is straightforward: You have to decide how much you want to eliminate this behaviour. If you really want it to stop, well,  hard-ass is just what you need to be! Your instincts are good. Go for it!

When you give her her meal, you’ll tell her carefully and clearly that “The food stays ON your tray. ON your tray.” Speak slowly. Point to the tray. Tap it as you say ON, so she is more likely to understand. The first time, she gets one chance. If she flings something, you put it back on the tray (yes, right back on the tray; the lesson is more important than hygiene squeamishness), and repeat it. “No, honey. The food stays ON the tray.” (She doesn't have to actually eat the food that was on the floor; you're just making the point clear: Food on tray.)

If (HA! this is a toddler - WHEN) she flings it again, you smile and say, “Oh, I guess you’re done then,” and you lift her from the high chair. Meal time is over. Even if she’s only had two bites. Don’t feel that you’re being unfair here: food is a HUGE motivator, and you’d be a fool not to avail yourself of it.

Now, she is only fifteen months old, so you can give her one more chance, but you wait a bit - three minutes or so - before you put her back in the high chair. However, she only gets this one final chance. If she throws her food again, no matter whether she’s eaten a single other bite, she is removed, and doesn’t eat again until her next scheduled snack or meal. I repeat: food is a big motivator.  Use it!

You probably won’t have to do this more than a very few times before she figures it out; the most persistent child I’ve ever encountered kept it up for about ten days, and I’m quite sure he would have figured it out sooner if there’d been consistent follow-through at home. So, you have my permission to be a hard-ass about this. You don’t have to be mean or angry, just clear and consistent. You can even be regretful if you like: “Oh dear. Food on the floor. Time to get down.” It won’t take long!

Now, what about poor Betsy, who is already doing all that, but whose little boy doesn’t care, because down is what he wants, anyway? Hmmm... Much harder.

You might try a simple trick of  timing. How about you remove him from the high chair before he’s quite finished, so he doesn’t get to the point of throwing? I’m sure you’re aware of the signals that indicate he’s almost done. At this point, clear his tray and put him down. Try that for a week. That may be all it takes to break the pattern. If it doesn’t work, try another week of timing it.

If it persists past the second week, I’d suggest you keep up with what you’re doing - the firm “no”, the removal from the scene. You might add to that a more intense response. When he throws something, ignore the flung food for the moment, and take both his hands in yours. Giving stern and direct eye contact, repeat the “No throwing” direction, and don’t let go his hands till he tugs to be released. Then you repeat “No throwing”,  let go his hands and put him down cheerfully.

I think Melissa’s problem can be solved within a week or so. Betsy, yours may take a little longer! Hang in there. Consistency will win the day.

The Mommy Phase

At our house, the kids periodically go through what we call "the mommy phase" (a more politically correct term is "the primary caregiver phase," but in our house, that's me).  When one of the kids is going through this phase, he or she will insist that mama do everything for him or her.  Suddenly, tasks that were easily done on one's own, like eating or putting on clothes, become far too difficult, "requiring" mama's help.  A child who once walked everywhere -- in fact, insisted on walking everywhere -- now needs to be "up" all the time.  This phase is, obviously, rather taxing.  Especially when both children are going through it at the same time and you feel like you're being pulled in opposite directions.   

When I first experienced the mommy phase, I thought it was sort of sweet.  I gave in to my son's every demand.  I picked him up whenever he asked and was quick to provide comfort for every little bump on the knee.  It made me feel special that he wanted me and only me.  But then, after a couple of weeks, his need for mommy all the time didn't let up, and I was starting to feel more like his servant than his mother.  While he was willing to play with Daddy, he wasn't willing to let him change his diaper, put him to bed, or any of the other work a toddler (or in this case, Tod-lar) requires. 

That's when I realized my mama hormones had blinded me to a pattern noted in research (Lieberman, 1993).  After mastering some task, or reaching a developmental milestone, children are likely to be much more demanding of their primary caregiver.  It's their way of ensuring that we're still there for them after they've spent time being absorbed in learning to do something independent, like walk or pee in the potty. 

Now, knowing this tidbit of toddler psychology may seem to reinforce the need to give into the toddler's demands of mama, but I think it does just the opposite.  When my kids learn a new task that gives them some independence, I want them to keep using it.  It's not just that I don't want to do as much work (but, hey, one of the benefits of being a parent is that the kids get older and don't require as much work -- or least require a different kind of work), but the kids need to feel confident in their own abilities.  Yes, they need mama, but they don't need me ALL THE TIME FOR EVERY LITTLE THING. 

So, whenever my kids are going through the mommy phase, Husband and I continue with business as usual.  Husband will take Tod-lar to school despite his protests.  When Tod-lar demands I put his clothes on for him, I tell him he can come do it next to me while I'm doing some other task.  If he still insists I do it, I tell him he can either do it himself or he can go to school in his pajamas.  When Bah-bie is pulling on my pant leg demanding, "UP!" while I'm making dinner, I give her a quick hug and redirect her to the play room.  I let them know I'm still there for them and am happy to provide emotional support, but I'm not their servant.  I'm their mother, and my job is teach them to do these things on their own because someday they're going to be in college, and I am NOT driving to the dorm every morning to put their clothes on for them. 

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Lieberman, A. F. (1993) The Emotional Life of the Toddler. Simon & Schuster, NY.